Friday, November 30, 2007

It's over

Today is the last day of November, and I have a happy number 30 next to November in my post count. YAY. Celebrate dance.

It's funny, I wrote out a whole list of things I wanted to write about and post, and I did not post one entry in my brainstorm list of topics. How sad. What does that mean? It means that I have a neurological disorder and Dr. Foreman needs to drill a hole into my brain while Dr. House pleads his case in court.

Ha. Ok, so I'm addicted. I can't help it. It's just part of who I am. Is it really that terrible how I stayed up until 1AM to watch, but I am paying for it now because I can barely keep my eyes open. Lucky for me, we are just moving. See you on Monday.

Thursday, November 29, 2007


Dear San Francisco Drivers,

Please go back to driving school.

All of you.

Please. I mean, I’m begging now. There is not any shame in going back to school no matter what your age is. I had at least 5 or 6 people over the age of 50 in my undergrad classes, and we were nice to them. Really, we were. Here are a few basics that I want to cover with you just to refresh your memory and to keep you alive before you check yourself into the driving classes.

4-Way Stops

Right. Right. Right.
When you get to a stop sign with multiple cars you must yield to the car on the right. You can NOT under and circumstances roll through a stop sign, if there is another car waiting at the stop sign. Also, jerkie stop and starts do not help….it just illustrates your desperate need to return to the books. If you do not follow these guidelines, you will have a Honda Civic smashed into your car, and you better believe that I will get on the horn and take my awesome new camera out to take sharp pictures of your tire marks. Let me see if I can help you remember: Right. Right. Right.

When you get into an argument you want to be…..right.
The hand that I use most offen is….right
The hand that I DON’T use is my…..right
If I don’t yield to the car on my……right….. I’m going to be wishing I went back to school.


This is really really big problem for you. I am a little confused about how you got your drivers license without knowing what the white and yellow lanes on the road means. Maybe you don’t have a good understanding of how wide your car is, but let me make it perfectly clear that you can not drive in two lanes. You need to see lines on either side of your car. If you notice that one giant line is directly underneath your car, YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG! There are other cars around you that are trying to drive in their own lane, and I am certain that you would like to keep the side of your minivan. So, I would suggest moving over unless you would like this Honda civic to wear half of your car on its side mirror.

Also, if there is a GIANT arrow in the lane…it means turn. Do not go straight. It’s really annoying for the people that are a) trying to turn or b) going straight and going into a lane that you’re also going into from the right side. IT REALLY SUCKS, and the Honda horn lacks the mean emphasis that the driver feels.


Get off my ass. It’s NOT going to help. I promise you. I will continue to go 40 miles an hour in a 25, and I will NOT go any faster. I will also NOT go through redlights, and I swear…if you do not back that shit up… I will slow down through the green light.

This also leads me to parking which I will elaborate on below, but for starters… If you see a big sticker with a San Francisco residence definton…. 90% of the time they know how to parallel park. Thus, if the reverse lights are on in front of you…do NOT scoot up as close as you can forcing them to not parallel park. They will sit there, and wait for you to move. However, if you had a LITTLE patients the parker would probably have scooted the rear into that parking spot that you are blocking in about 30 seconds flat. It would have been a lot faster then waiting 5 minutes for you to back it up and go around.


Learn to Parallel Park. I mean REALLY. Just do it. If you’re going to park in the city, you must learn how to parallel park, and you have to do it fast. It will make EVERYONE’s life just a little bit easier.

Also, if you decide to park on a busy street, DO NOT OPEN YOUR DOOR AS WIDE AS IT WILL GO INTO ON COMING TRAFFIC.

Who gave your license?

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

I need a pick me up.

So I'm posting makes me happy.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

My one 20 minute break today.

me: can you please tell me what happens with wilson and house please

ashley: what season?

me: 3, i just finished 2, and I heard that house has no friends. not even wilson. what happens in 3?

ashley: oh they get past it

me: is it cuddy?

ashley: no, just watch

me: please tell me

ashley: no

me: ugh please. but they get past it? promise?

ashley: yes

me: please tell me what it is

ashley: they are friends this season

me: please sister, tell me

ashley: no

me: fine i'll just look it up

ashley: that is lame

me: so

ashley: just watch it like a normal person

me: when under any circumstances have i acted like a normal person?

ashley: never, but that is lame

Monday, November 26, 2007

Monday Monday la la la la la la la

Wow. You should have heard that song sung in high school. Ashley, maybe you'll go into detail for us? Does dad have a recording?!?!?

I can't get back into the work week. I have so much to do! I thought that all the House watching would get me back into the spirit of hard work. Yet, it's just made me wish Gregory House was a real person, and that there were many many many many many many many more episodes of his greatness.

Alas, I must resort back to the Disney Channel. Oh, I have an idea. How about I do some real work, de-mushafy my brain and start working on some monologues and songs for the 500 auditions I have coming up?

Nah. Let's watch House

Sunday, November 25, 2007


I'm Lazy.

I watched House all day, and I couldn't get my homework to work. Ugh. It's just going to have to be late.

Tomorrow it's back to the salt mines, and I am not feeling recharged. I need three more days. Maybe more.

(sigh) I can't wait for Christmas.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Aw, I'm sad.

My family is leaving today, and I am sad. It never gets any easier being so far away. Don't get my wrong, I am VERY lucky to have TWO families, but it's hard living so far away.

Yes, it's true. I have never LOVED the arguing or wonderful irritations that make families so perfectly dysfunctional. Yet, I miss them terribly, and I wish they lived closer to me. My parents are talking about coming to live in San Francisco, which I think is a FANTASTIC idea. I hope they do.

I know Christmas is just around the corner, and I will get to see them soon enough. However, it's always sad to say good bye.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Oh Man...

I need a vacation from my vacation.

Tonight things are a little bit slower. We spent most of the day down at Union Square in Borders, and then we stayed around for the tree lighting. I'm so tired, but after last night I'm a little afraid to go to sleep because there was a mosquito in my bedroom. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE remind me to tell you the stories of my mosquito adventures, and all the torment and misery those blasted tiny little buggers cause me. It's horrible. I might sleep on the couch tonight. Actually. I'm going too.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Gobble Gobble

Man I almost forgot to write. I am so tired!

Dinner went off with out a hitch... I just want to say...


Wow, it took so long, and it was so much work. My back hurts and so does my feet!
I am so thankful for my food, family and for my friends.

Ugh. Time for sleep!

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

T-2 Days

So, we brined the Turkey. YOU SHOULD SEE THE GIZZARDS WE PULLED OUT!!!!!!!!!!

It was so disgusting.

I have so enjoyed having my family here, and I think that Pasha is going to play racket ball with my Dad. I think I'm nervous!!

Now, we're talking about putting together a soccer team 4 against 1....

(i'm giving you the play by play.)

Time to get ready.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Oh, my Brain

So I decided to heed Johnathan's advice, and draw you a picture. I've never ever considered myself an illustration artist at any capacity, until, I busted this out. I like to call it...."My Brain"

I wanted to give you a visual aid of what my brain looks and feels like. I started with the eclipse on the right, but I realized that the mix mashed frantic display of color rendered a bit too neatly in the gradient overlay provided by photoshop. I needed something that looked like a colorful heap of mush. Hence, the wonderfully illustrated eclipse on the left.

So, there are a few local restaurants that sell modern art. This counts, right? I've seen those pictures being sold for $1,000 dollars at least. I bet this picture of my brain would speak to someone!!!! Oh, the pipe dreams.

Well, my parents are flying in tonight, but won't be arriving until midnight. I'm a little panicked because there is still so much to do. I have a house to clean, groceries to buy and three pie crusts to bake. I'm a little concerned because I don't have that much time. I wanted to not have to cook tomorrow because I wanted to spend as much time with my family as possible. Well, it might have to be in my tiny little apartment, but at least we will all be together.

I'm cooking so much food. I'm concerned it is going to be too much, but I can't help it! Ham and Turkey!!! It's sososoososososoososo good. Luckily, I have two friends in the building who are letting me use BOTH of their stoves. YAY! I'm probably only going to need one. So that I can cook them both. I'm going to send Pasha to the other stove, so, I can have my darling kitchen all to myself. It's going to be so good.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Write Write Write!!!

It doesn't have to be good!

WHY did you decide to pick November? It's the start of the holidays. don't you know I'm scrambling around like a chicken with no head to get a turkey on the table on Thursday? I thought that when the Gala would close I would have a little more time, but I have no time. I have no time. Ugh. (4 minutes.)

Tomorrow, I am hoping to take a half day so I can get to the grocery store...make my pie crusts and clean my house before my parents come and see it. I wanted to get my posters hung and my cabinet painted. However, the cabinet is going to have to wait. I think that tomorrow I will have the 10 minutes I need to get the posters hung. To your surprise, I actually did NOT have time this weekend to do this stuff. I was busy running around with a graduation robe on and a "wand" in my hand participating in Harry Patter.

Time, can I please have some more in the day? please. one hour clearly was not enough.

Sunday, November 18, 2007


Rushing out of the show, I realized it was 10:30pm, and I only had two more hours to post something. Of course, I've had three glasses of champaign, and I have beeen couped in a theatre since 12:30 this afternoon. This doesn't seem bad to you, but i didn't get out of bed until 11:30am. Does that seem worse? Ok, I know. I was so lazy this morning, but I really needed to be. I was ssosoosososo tired.

The show was fantastic. I took great pictures that I will share because Thanksgiving on Saturday was not so great...and I didn't take pictures. :(

Ugh. It's going to be a stressful work week!

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Happy Saturday

Good morning!

Today is going to be the start of the fun filled holiday season. I have rehearsal today at 1pm, and then we are going to a Thanksgiving holiday at a friends house of mine...which I am very very excited for. I am going to take lots of pictures, and I'll show you all tomorrow!!

Then I am performing tomorrow in a fund raiser for lamplighters in the production of "Harry Patter and the Deathly Halitosis" (even though, we NEVER talk about bad breath.) There are tons of hilarious people and events in the comical evening. The Donn Auld "Donald" with his wife Trophia and his ex-wife Ivanna. Then we have Harry Patter, Hermonie Stranger, Ron Measly, Lucille Ball, Wal-Der-Mort, Knome Depot and a whole bunch of wonderful characters. I wish everyone could come and see it because it is HILARIOUS! However, it's so expensive to see it, so, I didn't tell anyone. Not even Pasha is coming because I'm doing nothing in it..just the chorus. (I needed a break.)

I'm tired, and I still have a headache from yesterday. Guess it's time for my third cup of coffee. Why not? It's Saturday.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Thank Goodness it's Friday

I've been slacking the last couple of days on posting. I used to post in the morning before 9am, but I have other things on my mind these days.

I was feeling excited for the holiday season, but the family has had some tragedy recently, and I'm not feeling so much in the spirit. I better get over it fast because I have a house to clean, blogs to write, shows to see and a feast to cook.

I'm so looking forward to it~

For now, I'm going to just be thankful it's the weekend

Thursday, November 15, 2007

a Trip to the Library

For those of you who know me, you might fall out of your chair when you read this post. I know that it sent ice cold chills down my back when it happened.

Rushing to the library with the urgency of 6:30pm hanging around my neck like a noose, my panic eased, when I realized the time changed tricked me into thinking it was 6:30pm instead of 5:00pm. Man, am I ever going to get used to that?

I got to the stairs, and walking up the stairs was a little boy - no more than three years old. Instead of the instant urges to rip out his vocal chords or the instant praying for his mother to come over and smack him around a bit to silence him...I wanted to hug him.

I KNOW right?!

It's not that I HATE kids... I don't. ... I just can't STAND IT when they misbehave or cry. I like to read about people and their kids, but I'm not sold on having my own, yet.

So, Anyway, I saw him and I started at him for a second, which probably made him cry more, and I thought what is so special about you little one that has made the ice on my heart melt away? Then his mom came over to him and she started yelling at him. It made me so sad because all I wanted to do was hug him because that is usually all I want when I'm crying.

Guys want to see San Francisco in November?

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Halfway there...almost

I've almost made it to the halfway mark without running out of things to say. I had been doing so well, but then I got punched in the stomach with news that I can't share just yet, and my ideas left me - along with my air.

Its ok, at least, Pash and I have been doing better since the latest fiasco. We are happily planning our long awaited trip to hang out with my parents in Florida for Christmas. I know this makes some people unhappy, that my parents are getting Thanksgiving AND Christmas. However, it's been a rough year for both families, and it's just this year. We will be together the next.

I think I need to take a run, and clear my brain. It's feeling muddled.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Dino Age

"How come you don't get any bills in the mail?"

"Why, do you?"


"I pay all my bills electronically."

"WHA??!? You mean - you pay all your bills over the internet, and you don't get any of the mail? How do you file your bills?"



"I can't believe that you are studying Web Design and working for a digital media company, but you are mailing in your bills. Stamps are getting expensive ya know..."

"Well, it made SENSE when I had a roommate!"

"Ha ha."

"This coming from the man that doesn't have a cell phone, and checks his email once a week."

Monday, November 12, 2007

Flames of Target

Target shopping on Sunday at 1:30pm is hell on earth.

I should have known better. I did re-read my last Target post, but yet I still braved it. First of all, WHY WHY WHY WHY does it take 20 minutes to get to a Target from San Francisco? Yes, the real estate is probably very expensive, but people shop at Target!!!! People are going to spend all their money at this lovely store because it has EVERYTHING! You need a camera? got it. Mossimo cloths? got it. Hair shampoo? check. Box of cereal? yes. Birthday cards? birthday presents? office supplies? nice furniture for bedroom bathroom or kitchen? How about some cheap furniture? OH! Don't forget all the stuff you need for your car! Tv's, movies, books! What's your store - Target!

Sometimes, it's not worth the battle.

When I arrived, the zoo at the parking lot deceived me because sometimes parking lots can be super busy, but no one is in the store. NOT THIS TIME. I get my cart outside with my special list. Pasha and I are hosting a Thanksgiving dinner at my house with my parents and some other friends this year. In preparation, I wrote out a list. The special list included all of the items on the menu, and then I wrote out all the food items we needed in two categories: Early and Fresh. All of the early items were purchased yesterday, and the fresh items will be purchased right before Thanksgiving. Next to each item, is the name of the store that it will be purchased. This list spanned over two pages.

I put the list at the front of my cart, and put the LAST BOTTLE OF Biolage volumizer shampoo in the cart with the conditioner next to it. The isles were so packed one person could barley walk down let alone a person and a cart. So, to get the toothpaste- I put the cart at the end of the isle and walked half way down. When I got back to my cart, GONE! Shampoo, conditioner AND MY SPECIAL LIST! WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?!?! Cursing to get a new cart, I noticed there were no more carts left for the taking, apparently this means free range. If you need a cart, and people have stuff in it... WHO CARES?! No one's hands are directly on MUST be available for taking. GRRRRRRRRRR.

Luckily, I printed out two copies of the list. One for me, and one for Pasha.
I swear, today, I hate Target.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Sunday = ChoreDay

The weekend has been quiet and fun so far. I went out with Pash Friday night, my friends on Saturday, different friends on Saturday night and then today it's chore day. I am getting reading for Thanksgiving. So, I have a trip to Target planned, and I am feeling very excited about the adventure. First, I must finish putting away my laundry and clean my room. All things I still have not done. Boo chores.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Emergency - quick, get this girl some Aspirin!

In my college career, I had three trips to the emergency room.

The first trip to the ER (I'll spare you the gross details) was on account of my gynecologist in my young adult life. He could not even fathom the fact that I, Beverley, would have sex before marriage. Not to mention the fact that I had a guy gynecologist! I had been seeing him for over 3 years, and on my last visit, he learned about the atrocious activities I had partook in.---so not the reason I was there, could we please focus dr! We spent the rest of the visit in awkward and uncomfortable silence, and the antibiotics that he subscribed killed the WRONG bacteria causing me to land in the ER. Not a pleasant experience.

The second trip was right after a New Year. The Christmas before I decided to put a second pierced hole in my ear. Totally normal right? I mean.. I pierced my ear for goodness sake.... Anyway, by January my left ear had gotten so infected and swollen, it decided to eat my earing. My ear actually absorbed the top of my earing, leaving a red and crusty top for me to see. I couldn't get the earing out, but the massive amount of pain surging through my body said, "GET THIS THING OUT." Thus, another trip to the ER. When I got there, she looked at my ear and tried to pull the earing out through the BACK. OMG! That hurt so bad! Screaming for my life, she decided to put me on laughing gas, and my friend had to sho the children that were gathering at the door. Nevertheless, the earing finally came out, and I now have a pretty little bump scar always to remind me of this experience.

The third and most eventful trip happened right after I dropped myself and hit my head on the pavement. Ok, no, but I landed in the ER on account of my own stupidity. I was in full swing rehearsals for The Fantasticks, and in one of the songs, I got picked up and thrown over the shoulder. On the night we rehearsed that scene, my back started to hurt. The next morning, and for a week after, my back was in pain. Anyway, one Saturday, it hurt sososoos bad I asked my boyfriend at the time to purchase some pain medication for me. He brought back BAYER. This specific pain medication I had never seen before, and instead of reading the contents, I treated it like Ibuprofen. So, I got the bottle. I popped four of those little suckers into my mouth, and proceeded to do so...every four hours. So, around I don't know, dinner time.. I started getting this excruciating ringing in my ears. So, I popped two Excedrin. Well, Bayer is Aspirin. One Pill is 500ml of Aspirin. Excedrin is also Aspirin. So, by dinner time I started to feel the repercussion of overdosing. Yet, I didn't know it.

My oh-so-not-wonderful boyfriend planned a very romantic evening including dinner at our favorite Chinese restaurant, and then watching movies and cuddling on the couch. All great ideas except 1) he didn't have a car, so, I had to do all the driving around, and 2) I was starting to feel worse and worse. On the way to the restaurant, I said to him, "Hey, I don't think we should go out tonight, I am starting to really not feel well." He got mad, and started accusing me of trying to ruin the wonderful night he planned, and damnit I am obviously trying to sabotage this relationship, and this MUST be a result of the time seven months ago when I....alright, alright...shut it. I rallied, and went to the damn restaurant.

While eating, the ringing got louder, I started seeing black spots and I began to feel less control over my muscles. In no condition to drive, I turned to him and said please drive I can't. The whole way home I heard mouthfuls of how terrible I make everything, but I was fighting for consciousness. We parked and I said, "Take me to the hospital." Sure, I could have said, "Please, would you mind using my car to take me to the hospital?" I'm lucky I got any words out at all! He said something to the effect of -oh no, you don't need to go to the hospital. you are just being dramatic, you are fine, and I bet your back doesn't even hurt, why don't you just go inside and rest a little bit. you'll feel better in the morning, but I can't believe we didn't go and get the movie! I am just going to go and pick something out. Fine.

I got into the house and laid down, and it just was downhill from there. My heart raced at an abnormal speed, the ringing made me deaf and I could barely move my muscles. It was official. I was on crack. Freaked out, I called friends that lived over 45 min away, and begged them to come and take me to the hospital. My begging came in fits of hysterical screams because I was crying, and I couldn't hear cause of the ringing. (This was due to the caffeine apparently. I've been nervous to drink too much coffee ever since.) Anyway, my friends called my boyfriend, and basically told him to stop being such a baby - and get back to get me to the hospital. He did with a bruised ego that got taken out on me, but at this point, I was cracked out. So, trying to talk to me rationally did not work, and infuriated him. When we got to the hospital, My heart rate was 190. They made me drink charcoal to cause me to puke. However, I had digested the Aspirin, so, it was already in my blood stream. Then I had to stay there for a while to make sure that I did not have to go to toxic control center to get my stomach pumped. I didn't have to, but man that charcoal was DISGUSTING. The doctor made the mistake of saying to us that I had digested most of the Aspirin, and I have puked out any of the remaining undigested poison, so, all I can do now is go home and sleep it off. I had a painful sleep, and I woke up the next morning with the worst hangover ever. Then a day filled with you're so terrible, and you didn't even have to go to the hospital, but I was nice enough to drive you, and I can't believe you're not kissing the ground I walk on.

Never a dull moment in the ER, but one of these times happened on April 10th. I move out of my dorm in May, lived with my honorary family for the summer and then to a new dorm in August. In addition to all my moving around, my parents moved at least 4 times too. So, does it shock you that I did not receive my bill? Does it also shock you that I was a naive 18-21 year old little girl who did not think that there were bills floating around not taken care of? (If so, please re-read the Aspirin trip to the ER.) OH! Is it also shocking that after the first facilities collection notice came two years later, that I didn't think oh, perhaps there is a DOCTORS bill floating around?

That's right, I didn't. So yesterday, when I got my collections notice for an outstanding doctor's bill from the same event that I got my LAST collection from came as bit of a shock. Especially since, I have been living on my own now for quite some time, and I am much wiser now. Now, I have to go through a million hoops to get my credit taken care of because now I have TWO collection dings caused by ONE visit to the doctor, and I had NO IDEA that I had any outstanding bills.

I'm mildly irritated.

Friday, November 9, 2007


Remember when I told you about this horrible thing that tortures me? Well, today has been especially bad.

I poured my usual cup of coffee this morning at home. I have one cup every morning, which means I have to pour the coffee into the cup every single day. Today, for some reason, I poured 90% of the coffee all down my cabinets and on to the floor. This should have been my first sign, but as I am discovering, I ignore signs.

I came to work this morning, and I decided to make the office coffee...mostly because I wanted another cup. This daunting task is scary because everyone in the office drinks it, and if it's not good, pack up your desk: you're fired. So, I usually hide in my computer, and wait for someone else to make the pot. It's not rocket science, but I fear being held accountable, obviously. However, today I was rocking out to MMMBOP, and my mood is always instantaneously better. Thus, I decided to make the coffee.

When I went to empty out the used grinds for 12 cups of coffee, I dropped it on the floor and all down the trashcan. It was disgusting because shmeered wet coffee grinds almost looks like... I'm sorry, I can't say it...use your imagination.

What's the matter with me? I spent the first 30 minutes of the morning cleaning up the kitchen, and I am convinced that I'm never gonna learn

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Girls Night Out!

The calm after the storm seems to be setting in, and I’m floating along in peace with my eyes barley open. Sure, I’m still anxious about what I’m making for Thanksgiving and how I’m going to say no to my friends, but the constant worry momentarily subsided.

Last night I partook in a surprise girl’s night out. I had no idea what to expect, and the extravagant experienced wowed me. All four of us gathered at a friend’s house around 6pm, and we hit the town. We started at this incredible restaurant called First Crush. GO THERE! The food was amazing, and worth every penny. Plus, it’s great for dates!

After dinner we went and saw The Color Purple.

I’m a performer, and I hate clapping….my hands always hurt…so I just sort of sit there, and I kind of stomp my foot…sometimes. I do make a vocal noise....doesn’t that count? Ok, you’re right, it’s kinda rude, but seriously, my hands hurt. Plus, 90 percent of the time I am in the back. They can’t seem me anyways.

I stood for this production.

The score is absolutely outstanding, and brought me to tears. (yes, I’ve established that this is not hard to do…yet, I did stand, and for someone who doesn’t even clap!~ C’mon…at least give me that.) Michelle Williams, from Destiny’s Child starred along with American Idol’s LaToya London, and the show-stopping talent Jeannette Bayardelle. She commanded the stage with her astounding voice. I can’t get it out of my head. My companions enjoyed the production as much as I did, but they did not have the same experience.

I have tunnel vision.

It’s a blessing or a curse, depending on how you look at. Sometimes, I find myself behind the cars that have the TV's pulled down for the people in the back seat. Yeah, I HAVE to move over into another lane because it is an accident waiting to happen for me. I gaze into the TV, and think...oooo what's on? So, when the show was on, I completely blocked out the annoying three girls that ruined everyone’s time. Apparently, I missed the kicking, the giggling, the “OMG~! He’s like soooo hot”, but I did not miss the fact that they got to their seats late first act AND second act. I mean really!!!! We are at the ORPHEIUM…don’t they refuse to let people in if they are late? No. They don’t.

Overall, the whole night production left me speechless….until I wrote this post.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007


For some reason, I can not find a happy medium with my time management. I'm either bored out of my mind, or I'm a frantic can't stop to drink water type of busy. Is there anyone out there that just says, "Ah, I worked very hard for X amount of hours, and now I can spend the rest of my stress-free mind hanging out with the swarming amount of people that can never be disappointed? Instead, I fear the fatal look of disappointment, and I say YES to EVERYTHING. It has gotten me into so much trouble..especially because "I don't want to" isn't a good excuse. I am positive that if I say, " I don't want to," I'm signing my death certificate.
It is very stressful, and my life feels very controlled.

So, I need to ask you... if you a friend asks you to hang out, but you don't want to, and you don't want to hurt their feelings. WHAT DO YOU SAY? My friend says, "hey, let's go wine tasting," and huge amounts of stress and pressure ensues.

Speaking of Stress, I need to re-focus my attentions on work right now, but answer me
this. How do you say NO, and not hurt people's feelings?

Tuesday, November 6, 2007


Pasha has his own way of saying I'm sorry, showing love and being supportive. Missing soccer to go to a Hanson concert with me - ha! that's big.

After the concert I said, "Honey did you have a good time."

"If by good time you mean torture, than yes I had a great time."

"Oh come's not like I pulled all your fingernails off."

"You didn't ask me which would be worse."

Oh Pash! I saw you singing along to MMMBOP, don't worry, I'll only tell the whole world.

I have a long post about Hanson, but it's going to have to wait. I want to get all the pictures in a neat movie, and I want to spare my about something else for a change.

Monday, November 5, 2007

Monday Madness

Good morning Monday Madness...

So, it's November 5th, and I have been looking forward to this day since... well, it's been a very long time...let's just say that. Last night I could hardly contain my excitement, and I laid my head on the pillow like I was a six year old girl waiting for Christmas. I even got to work at 7:30am this morning in hopes to expedite the hours in the day. Let's's been 30 minutes, and not going much faster. Eh, wishful thinking.

Yesterday Pash and I got to spend some quality time together, which was helpful and fun. I'm starting to feel better about things, and I'm hopeful. He asked me to write out my needs and wants for him, and we talked about what it takes to have a successful relationship. I am a little tired of heavy conversations, and I find myself surrounded by them. Whatever happens, I am going to fine. For now, I am hopeful that things are going to work out for the best. Relationships take compromise and effort. So, that's where I'm at with Pash.... I want to put in the effort, and I'm hopeful.

It's hard for me to focus because I am only thinking about Hanson.
Let's talk tomorrow.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Wedding Land Part 2

I got the church yesterday afternoon at 3:00pm, as planned, and I discovered that I was supposed to provide the accompaniment for the organist. Wha?!? The selected songs were given to me by the couple, and all I had was a make shift piece of paper with the melody printed out sort-of... uh oh. The organist decided that this was a perfect time to lecture me on being a soloist. I begged him to please make-do with this piece of paper that I had, and he refused. Panicked, I decided to practice the first song. The acoustics in the church made the singing better than usual, but I had the scariest seat in the house. This was my view:

It was great! Except, I was up above the alter, and I saw the entire congregation... yes, that was nerve racking. Plus, these people were friends... you want to do a good job for them.

Anyway, after we practiced the first song. He decided that I could sing the second song a cappella. Ugh! This man has played the organ for this church for almost 20 years, and has played 18 weddings in one year. You would think that his disgruntled self would muster up the creative piano-playing juice I know he has to invent a chord progression for a not so hard piece. Yeah, no. He wouldn't. Then! on top of that...the wedding planner said, "Can you play something to hide their walking?" He said, "sure." Then he proceeded to play the first verse and chorus of the song..that I was to follow singing a cappella. Jerk.

It turned out fine. I loved it and the whole event turned out to be really really beautiful. We went to the top of the Bank of America building for the reception. We saw the sun set behind the city, and it was something to write home about. I tell ya. It's nice to take a step back from all the "problems" in life, and take in the gorgeous surroundings. I do feel very blessed to live in such a beautiful place.

Then Pasha and I spent the morning with the Bride and Groom and the rest of the out of towners and wedding party this morning at a beautiful brunch. The whole weekend was truly spectacular, and I was so thrilled to be part of such an amazing wedding for two incredible people.

So, things with Pash are ok. He is going to the hanson concert with me tomorrow. This is going to be interesting. I pray pray pray that it will be ok, but if he hates it...he can always leave. Hanson is actually very good, and VERY talented. I think they are so amazing! I am very much looking forward to this spectacular evening.
I'll tell you all about it on Tuesday. I'll tell you more about Pash later. I'm feeling a little drained, and I want a nap.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Wedding Land

One of Pasha's dear couple friends are getting eachother.
Oh friends, it gets tricky here....

I have been hanging out with these friends for TWO YEARS! That is a long time to spend time with people, and so they asked me to sing in their wedding, which is tomorrow. YAY! It is such an honor and a privilege to be part of such a fantastic wedding for two truly amazing people. The trouble is that they are originally Pasha's friends. Thus, it got a little awkward when I had to be there for the rehearsal yesterday, and I got invited to the rehearsal dinner. "Hey honey, do you want to be my date to your friend's rehearsal dinner?" um, yeah, so, it didn't bode well with him. Especially at the end of the night when he turns to me and says, "Thanks for coming with me." Actually Pasha, you came with me!

Also, Pash and I haven't spent any quality bonding time with each other since our whole fall out. Things feel super strained, and he is more in love with his schedule right now. It's terrible to miss someone who is sitting right next to you in the car.

I asked him to go for a run with me this morning because he is always on me about running with him. I thought, if I wanted to spend anytime with him, then I should do it on his terms. Well, then everyone decided that they all wanted to go jogging this morning, and I sort of got left in the dust. He says, "Why don't you come with us?" WHY? HAVE YOU SEEN THESE PEOPLE? They run all day...everyday. Ok, no...they are very physically fit, and just the other day I watched a pregnant lady with a stroller pass me. Doesn't he understand how humiliating it would be for to watch his friends start walking next to me, while I'm jogging? He says, "Everyone adjusts to the slowest person." Easy for him to say, when he's never been the slowest person. Sure, my issue. my mental block, whatever. I get it, but couldn't he have had a little compassion?

I left his place this morning, and he calls me and says, "One of the girls was only going to go because you were going, and now you're not." Yes, but he didn't mention that this particular girl also came in THIRD place in her division for the bridge to bridge run. Look, I just don't want to be an embarrassment in front of his friends. I already feel like I'm getting put on the spot with the singing. So, now it's 10am on Saturday, and the wedding starts at 4pm. Looks like I'll be sending another Saturday alone.

I'm always alone, and I'm starting to hate it.

Friday, November 2, 2007


Last weekend I had glimpses of the disaster it became, but I ignored it, as usual. It’s disturbing to look at your calendar and think every weekend is booked – except this one. I had a lot of things in the air like a Halloween Party in San Jose, a Bachlorette Party, meeting up with some of my friends or a Party with some of Pasha’s friends. These were all great options and participating in any one would have pleased me. However, I kept asking Pash what he wanted to do, and his blank stare response should have been the first clue. Actually, it was the second clue. The first clue was spending an entire Friday night on his couch reading, while he watched Tuesdays with Morrie again. I know, you’re thinking…what a wonderful evening….just trust me on this, it wasn’t.

So, I wake up on Saturday morning a little disturbed from Friday’s events, and I decide to go to my house, and we can meet up later? Right? Well, if by later he means 7pm to pick me up to meet up with his friends? Then, yes. We did meet up later. Yet, I distinctly remember asking him to hang out for the day! I’M A PLANNER. I want to use my time efficiently, and I want to spend time with Pash too. It’s frustrating when he gets into his non planner modes, and just wants to do whatever. Still, we hadn’t set up a time to actually meet up, OR what we were doing. Irritated, I told my friends we would meet up with them later, and I spent the rest of the day waiting and alphabetizing my spices in the cabinet.

This is the part in the story where I should have called him up and said, “You do your own thing tonight. I am going to do mine.” I didn’t do that. I wanted him to call me up and say, “You’re right. I am all things evil.” – That didn’t happen.

Obviously irked, we went to meet up with his friends hung out for a while, left, and met up with mine. He overheard a conversation I was having with a friend of mine, and proceeded to call me out on it in front of everyone there. Then…. I denied it….kept denying it to someone who believes that a lie, any lie is a death sentence. It just sort of spiraled out of control from there. Heavy name calling ensued, for the first time, and he walked away, and I chased after him (hence, I lost my shoes). The whole exchange dramatically came to an end with me crying on the side walk, and him driving his car home. Oh, yes… I was drunk. Did I tell you that part?

Thursday, November 1, 2007

And so it begins

It's November 1st. I've created a list of ideas to go back to incase I loose steam this month. I don't want to spend the entire post writing about November because it is a cop out post. I will say that I didn't post yesterday because I wanted to save up my energy, but now, I'm looking at the screen, and my mind is going like this adkfj;dakjf;jasdfl;kjalsdlkfjl;adjgoiowuerhmdnvjhiwjrn. (read: mush.)

Pash and I had very long talks the last couple of days. We're still together, but I feel like I have a lot to evaluate. I don't know if it's him, us, or me.

While I mull over my relationship, I have been gearing up for the Hanson concert on Monday! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!! I can not even express the excitement that I feel right now. I have not stopped listening to the The Walk, and I decided that I needed to brush up on the past cd's.

So, I busted out Middle of Nowhere, This Time Around, Underneath ,The Best of Hanson Live and Electric and, of course, The Walk.

I hesitated at first because the first cd was released in '97. I was 15. Um, ten years later would I still feel the same way? How devastating would it be to me if the answer to that question was NO? Luckily for me and for my friends, the answer was a resounding YES!!! You should have seen me driving to work this morning rocking out to MMMBOP at 7:30am! I think someone got on their cell phone to dial 911....
"The girl next to me is not fit to drive. I don't think she's looking at the road."