Last Bay Area Audition Tomorrow.

Into the Wood's audition really crept up from right behind me. I remember receiving an email from the artistic director saying i've heard great things about your work, I hope you can come out to the audition. It amazes me how far a little genuine compliment will get you because I have in my head since that e-mail, I'm going to audition for this production. That was back in May perhaps it was April. So much so that my move date for New York has not been set yet because the status of this production has not yet been determined. I decided that I will either move January 10th or Feb 9th depending on what happens with this audition. It's been in my mind this way since August, and now all of a sudden it's tomorrow?!?

It's such a strange thing because I'm feeling really ill prepared, but the truth is that I'm singing a song that I know very well. I know the show well enough, and I'm no more prepared than I was for WSS or Do I Hear a Waltz auditions. I think because I have built this event up so much in my mind, and a lot is riding on it - it feels like a bigger deal than it I know it is.

It doesn't matter if I don't get this show. You win some and loose most. It's not like Maria which was a dream role for me, but it's a show that I love and I think it would be fun to do. However, it's very different to not get a role in a show that you really want versus getting a role in a show that you think would be fun. The very first time I started to become obsessed with a show in this weird I want to get a role way was Throughly Modern Millie, and it was my first audition since I started studying with my new interum teacher. I had just come off 9 months of studying with someone who was not working for me, and I had to go into some vocal rehab, and then came the Millie audition. I knew it was going to be the first audition that I really really wanted since all the mess, so, I obsessed over it. Listened to the soundtrack everyday. practiced every song everyday. Jumped into tap classes 4 or 5 times a week to brush up on my skills. I had a voice lesson right before I was going to audition, and after singing through my two songs, I basically paralized myself with fear. I drove half way there, and TURNED AROUND! I called the emergency number listed, and said," I'm sorry I can't comitt to the performances", and I TURNED AROUND! I didn't even audition.

A feeling of releif came over me, and I wasn't sure if I had made myself that miserable about "failure," if it was because it had been so long since I had sung well, or if I had put myself through all this unnecessary pressure causing loads of stress! I started to comptiplate whether or not I had bordered insanity or if I was just infact not prepared, which was the excuse I sent to my brain. "I'm just not ready" This was at DLOC for goodness sake, not a Broadway Revival.

That was two years ago. I have come a long way in those two years. I hadn't been like that about a show until West Side Story. Luckily, it wasn't as bad because I was starting to get cast in stuff again, and I had played leads roles since. Plus, at the time of the audition I happened to be in another show. Thus, I really didn't have the time to obsess in the way I did for Millie. When for a split second I thought I wasn't going to be Maria, I was beside myself for a few days because I had prepared for that audition for a year. I knew it was coming, and I wanted it soooooooooooo badly. I could not imagine being so close AGAIN for the second time to play such an incredible role and then miss it, again. When I didn't get Mabel in Pirates, I thought meyeah.... I'll get it next time.

Now I'm faced with the Woods audition, and I'm not sure how I'm going to react because I have become obsessed with the show, but in a different way. I would love love love to play Cinderella or Bakers Wife or even Rapanze, but I think I would be disappointed and hope for the next time I'll get to play the part. Not sitting in my car bawling for 15 minutes before attempting to drive home slurring "Win some loose most" into the answering machine of my so not available boyfriend at the time.

I'm not sure how I'm going to react about these auditions. I can already tell you that I'm feeling "ill prepared," and I think it's because I discovered how stiff my competition is because there are over 100 people auditioning. Egads. This ill prepared bull has got to escape my mental physcie otherwise I will never hack it in New York. It's the "Oh, I wasn't really prepared that's why I didn't get it." Put the negative energy out there, and the negative results will happen.

So, I'm trying to change my attitude, and thinking about how I'm going to go in there and nail that audition tomorrow! All I have is my very best, and if there is someone else that can do the role, then I'll go do the role in New York.

Anxiously Awaiting the Results?

I got typed out.

It's ok, really, I'm ok! He said, "I know you're Hispanic, but I think you're too mature looking."

I'll give you the full report, but I'm off to get my car, do some soul searching and then go to rehearsal.

I'm in the audition room now, as we speak...

...and I'm number 50!

I'll have to give you the full full report later when I get a chance to sing, and my anxiety level drops one million.

Just wanted to check into my world instead of looking at all the marias there are here in this room.

I Am Crazy...

...That has been my mantra over the last few days, but I am working on changing it to: I am talented! I am fabulous! I am perfect for the part! I will do my best and have fun!Actors are crazy; they make things out to be bigger and scarier than what they really are in reality. The auditors WANT you to succeed. I need need to remember this. The auditors WANT you to succeed. They want to find their Maria, and I’m right here. I’ll see you on Monday. I’m saying that over and over and over in my brain as I rock back and forth in the corner: Maria is right here, I’ll see you on Monday.

I have been auditioning FOREVER, and now all of a sudden, everything that I usually do doesn’t seem like enough. My cloths are bright enough, aren’t clean enough, my voice… it’s just not enough! Beverley, it’s enough all I have is myself and everything inside me. It’s enough.

I am so glad that I did not take the time to really “think” this through because I don’t have the usual time I take to drone on and on about what to wear, where to stay, and blah blah. The problem arises – I make a choice – I mark it off my list because I have so many choices to make it is unreal. I don’t have time to dwell. I think this is a blessing.

I told a girlfriend, and she knew I would be falling out, and she has been so amazing by spending 45 min on the phone with me yesterday discussing every detail of a New York auditions, she looked over my resume, she answered my questions about callbacks, she helped me with my mantra, she answered every spastic email I sent her on BOTH of her e-mail accounts, she helped me prepare my audition book and she is amazing in everyway. I am so lucky to have her help and her brain to pick over. I feel less alone as I embark on this adventure by myself.

Two years ago I could not imagine living by myself. I moved.
Two years ago I thought I’d never sing again, but here I am.

One minute I am bursting at the seam to breathe, the next minute I think about how I don’t even consider myself good enough for Broadway by the Bay.

I told my dear friend this morning about the amount of support that I have embraced the last few days, and he said, “you’re whole world just hugged you.” Thank you friends and family I’m hugging you back.

Cost of Your Dream: $548

August 13, 2008 began like every normal morning in the “quiet” city streets of San Francisco with my usual 7:01 am alarm jarring anyone within 20 feet, even the dead, and my starving kitty drooling over my face. “Get Up”, she meowed, “Turn that dreadful alarm off then feed me.” Discovering quickly that her meows had little to no effect on her staff (me) – she bit my nose. Love her.

Succumbing to her demands, I faced the day with my heart and mind filled with callbacks, phone calls, turning love sickness, the book I’m reading for my book club and my routine filled life that has up until now satisfied me to my hearts content.

Tweaking out on my usually 4 cups of coffee, I nestled into my usual work day. This time I was on a mission - do some research on the competition. Studying the movements and vocal qualities of this talented bay area lady, my friend im’s me. “They have announced the casting for Tony in the WSS revival.” Oh, I wonder who’s playing Maria, I thought as I typed: Maria + WSS Revival + New York.

Me. I’m playing Maria in the WSS Revival.

At least that’s what I thought when I saw this.

Laughing to myself, I jokingly e-mailed a few of my friends and said: should I go to this audition? The not so jokingly responses overwhelmingly screamed: YES! GO!

By 11:00am my brain filled with actual consideration! What would I have to do to make this work?
1) change my voice lesson.
2) email my director
3) finish q2 report.
4) find a place to stay.
5) Get a Flight.
6) get the time off work
7) find someone to take care of Squeaks.

Wow, the list seemed totally dreary and already I felt defeated, but I could not stop thinking about the fact that this impossible task really laid at my fingertips. All I had to do was really seize the day and all those other overly used clichés. Like an infectious disease the idea of actually going consumed my brain, and the mere thought of singing my favorite role at Chelsea’s studios detrimentally affected my mental health.

It’s Wednesday. That’s less than a week for my VERY FIRST BROADWAY audition. I continually turned to my friends begging for their words of discouragement, but I found only an out pour of support. “I will help you take care of Squeaks.” “Use my account for your tans.” “If you’re worried about money, I will chip in.” “Do it!” “You must do it!” “I’m so proud of you.” All this support showered my insecure self, but yet I could not muster the courage to spend over 600 dollars on a flight. Yet in under 60 min, I managed to find a place to stay, change my voice lesson, email my director, get squeaks handled, q2 report, and get the time off work.

Finding the flight, finding the courage to make the choice, accepting the fact that I am making an expensive decision tormented my soul, my mind and my spirit. Beverley, stop.
This.is.absolutely.crazy.

A moment of peace from my own thoughts came at lunch, which I shared with my co-worker, but by the end of the hour we were talking about how I was going to actualize this dream. This dream is all it’s been – how on Earth?

4:00pm I found my flight: $548! It was the cheapest I had seen all day, and me and the minans were searching!!! $548 seemed like a steal compared to the $1000 dollar tickets I had been seeing. Credit card info all typed in, my co – worker at the ready next to me, switching screens to my facebook e-mail looking, waiting, begging for… for…for what?
What exactly is holding me back? Is it JUST the fear of failure? I talk all the time about how I fail… I fail all the time. ALL THE TIME. Yet, I keep going to auditions, so, wait? What again is holding me back?

Purchase.

I clicked purchase.
Rinse. Repeat.

OMEFFINGGOODNESS! I’m going to New York. I’m going to New York. I’m going to New York. Tears filled my eyes, I gasped for air and I turned to my co-worker who said, “I think you’re doing the right thing.” I typed: I’m going to all the people who seemed interested in what my choice may or may not be. The flood gates for fear opened and the pit of dread grew inside my stomach. Casting in college came pouring back. Auditions for regional theatre came back, ACLO next stop Broadway- really? This is a country bumpkin story of the girl who came from NO WHERE and is now singing on Broadway, but the comforting knowledge of my exponential growth set my mind at ease. For the first time, I’m daring to be the person I have always wanted to be. I did it on a whim – in the span of 6 hours leaving no time for “rational” thought to take over me. Excitement has taken over my life. I thought my usual insecure self would hide the fact I’m making this crazy choice, but I felt like screaming to the world.

I wrote my Dad, I asked him, "Do you think I'm crazy?"
He said, "R u kidding….I am extremely proud that I have daughter who is so committed to following her dreams forgetting about the potential costs…….that’s character and those type of people are few and far between in our society today…….you are going to be very successful no matter what you end up doing but one thing is for sure, you were born to be a performer – so go and don’t get discouraged with initial failures – ever – just keep moving forward…..love youxxxxxxxxxxxxx"

I woke up this morning, and I listened to the song I have to sing for the audition. The feeling of utter anticipation and excitement lifted me off my feet, and I started to run to work. For the first time, in a long time, I feel free.

Goodnight. Sleep well and when you dream, dream of me

Only once have I laid in a pile of my dirty laundry on the bathroom floor and cried for two days straight. That is, until West Side Story closed, and now it has been twice. Ok, ok ok, I didn’t cry into a pile of cloths when the show closed, but I did cry in my closet.

I had two of my worst shows in the history of the run this weekend. I got stuck in the window during the Quintet, and I was a whole beat behind the orchestra. This would normally be “coverable,” if I was singing by myself. Alas, I had all the jet boys, all the shark boys and Anita depending on my to be on the beat. I couldn’t get back on because I was lost and I couldn’t see the musical director. I started to drown in the dark dark waters of “where the hell am I?” Then Tony came in at the right spot instead of following me and rescued me from the dark suffocating waters. WHEW! The 60 seconds that the flub up lasted caused me to be on guard for the entire 2nd Act! Nothing could help me.

Then on Saturday, the acting seemed to just be there without effort. Act 1 felt solid, and Act 2 was falling into all the right places. Until, “A Boy Like That” turned into “A Note Like What?”

I’m serious.

When I got to the part where Anita and I sang together, I made up my own notes and sang whatever. I thought… oh Bernstein, you missed this one, - it should sound like THIS. Ok, that’s not what I thought, but I could not find the right notes. It was horrible. I totally messed u p, and I couldn’t get back. However, Tony was so solid that night I remained in the show. Plus, it was the last thing I sang… so, it didn’t matter.

Sunday’s show was utterly fantastic!! I think that I cried throughout the whole show, and it was just so amazing to be part of just an amazing production that I know will be with me forever. I got to play my dream role. I got to learn a lot about myself, my dreams, my hopes and my aspirations.

I will miss you dearly WSS.

Just One More Weekend.

I can feel my heart drop as I type this.

I can't believe I only have three more performances left. I'm trying something new this weekend. I'll tel you all about it on Monday.

Another day in New York

My whirl-windy life is spinning to a close with only one more weekend of West Side Story left. It’s been a gradual withdrawal since we, work work work - open. Then we have a few days off in between the show and the pick-up rehearsal, and then we have days off in between the 2nd weekend and the last. Then I’ll say farewell to my beloved show and cast to start working on the next show which is Patient A.

Patient A will be a small production in SF for one weekend in September. It’s about a 22 year old girl who contracts Aids through her dentist in the 1980s. The last play I did was Crimes of the Heart in ’05, and I decided to do this production because the story really intrigued me. We go into rehearsal August 3rd, and I’m supposed to be memorized by the 25th of August. That is about a month away and I have pages and pages of monologues that I better get cracking on. (sigh) I’ve just been so focused on West Side Story and getting the singing and acting perfect that it’s been hard to think about anything else. I think this week I’m going to start shifting my focus just for a second.

The Critics

Every time I write about West Side Story, I think it’s my last post because what MORE could I possible have to say about this d-show.

Don’t you want to see what the critics have to say?

Despite my voice teachers very pointed advice of - DO NOT READ REVIEWS when you are in the show, I could not help it I’m addicted. Given my current self esteem issues, I really should have heeded her advice, but I did not. It’s ok, this is going to “toughen my skin.” I just have to keep repeating that to myself over and over maybe it will sink in.

So far there have been three reviews. One lady loved us, one panned us and one obviously didn’t see it.

Alameda Sun showered the cast with complements, and I was very very very flattered by some of the things she said about me. You can find the full review here, but here is a snipit: “Ingenue Beverley Viljoen as Maria blows the socks off this production with what is the most authentic performance I've ever seen at ACLO (and many other stages);” Very very kind. The reviewer “got” some of the different themes we tried to accomplish in a few of the numbers including the “Somewhere Ballet,” and she seemed to really love the show. Our Riff was mentioned, but I really wish that the reviewer discussed a little more about the absolute talent that came from his performance. My friends and family thought he was show stopping, and I agree with them. Riff and I talked briefly about the review because I expressed my concerns, and he reminded me of something extremely important in our conversation in addition to all the loving praise he unnecessarily poured on to me. :)

To be able to touch at least ONE person in the audience that way was enough is truly a gift. He’s absolutely right, and I’m glad I read this review before I read the 2nd one.

We were reviewed by Insider Bay Area by the lady that everyone has deemed “crazy.” Yet her nasty review was very pointed, and I had to disagree with a lot of what she said. I don’t know maybe it’s because I’m too close to the show and because I’m too close to the cast to really be able to look at it with an objective eye. You tell me. Here’s a snip it: “Any musical company can perform an occasional disappointment.”
“Encinal High School was far better in terms of dancing, drama and character growth.”
Ouch, but then she says, “The major actors turn in exceptional performances.” So, if we are exceptional was Encinal High Broadway bound? It doesn’t matter. I’m mostly upset that she was wrong about the TEAM effort in this show. This show is good because all of the actors push themselves to their personal limits. We’re all in this together, and I think she is wrong about the dances falling flat.

Our third reviewer didn’t go to the show, and I’m not convinced she even got a program. So, it’s not even worth pointing it out to you. She got Riff’s name all wrong, and she congratulated him on his amazing ability in Officer Krupkee. That song is in the 2nd Act, and the Rumble is the end of Act 1. Enough said.

We Finally Opened

West Side Story had a seemingly successful opening weekend, despite the mic mishaps, and people greeted me with extreme flattery that I meet with gratitude. I’m starting to come down a little bit from the glory of opening an amazing show which I truly feel privileged to be in this excellent production.

I woke up on Saturday, and I just had to meditate for twenty minutes to remind myself of all the things that tech week jaded for me:

I love love love to do this. I can’t imagine doing anything else, and I’ve worked extremely hard on this production and on this role - EXTREMELY hard. There are singers in this world that will never have the opportunity to sing and act such an incredible role, and I am truly lucky to be here in her shoes playing her role in this destruction of love amongst violence and hate.

Here are my issues: WHO.CARES.WHAT.ANYONE.THINKS. Please, let’s repeat this, WHO.CARES.WHAT.ANYONE.THINKS. This 5 word sentence gets in my own way. I’m so owned by what people think and what people say that I can’t RELAX and it gets in my own way. This reason is probably the number one reason that road blocked me in college because I was so OBSESSED with being perfect, and being RIGHT that I couldn’t enjoy the process of learning all about a new person. All these lessons in college are things I think I have finally learned, but I can’t let go of the negative feels I have towards my experience, which is STILL causing me to get into my own way. I try and think of all the things that will help me deal with this, and I keep debating grad school. Then I think, WHY? Do I want to go to grad school so someone there can tell me that I’m a good actor?

Bottom line: I must find the confidence within myself, otherwise, I’m going to miss out on all the fun.

We got reviewed by the Alameda Sun, and from what I heard the review is good. They don’t update their website daily, so, I haven’t read it yet, but this is an article that they interviewed me for during the rehearsal process.

I gave Maria everything I have inside of me, and that is all I can do. I can’t ask myself to give anything more than my personal best, and if it’s not enough – then it’s not enough, but it’s all I got and I’m happy with it.

I'll give you the full update

after my family leaves on Wednesday, but I think it went well. The audience seemed to really like it. Here are some shots...

Look How Cool This Is

T minus 6 days

Sometimes, I start to have these dreams of being trapped in a cave and being forced to do the show over and over and over and over again.

I had that dream about West Side Story last night. I went to sleep tossing and turning to the music and lyrics of, "when you're a jet, you're a jet all the way from your first cigarette to your last dying day." The faint sounds of the orchestra and singers slowly fade in as I type those words, and I slowly slip off my chair to lay beneath the table.

This weekend was tech, and I'm afraid of the balcony. It doesn't look that high up, but its high enough for me to feel fear. I can't hear my entrance the first time I sing in the entire show which ALSO happens to be the hardest part in the ENTIRE show for me to sing. I know... I know... it's weird, but I can't help it. I think I have started to turn it into a mental thing, and I'm doing everything I can to not feel nervous about it and just SING. Ugh. Just get me through this week. I swear, tomorrow - you're going to have a "squeaky" surprise.

I'm sleeping and standing at the same time.

... and it's July 1st and we are opening in 11 days.

Some days I think, oh it's going to be fab. Other days I want to hide under the table and pray pray pray pray that when I open my mouth the right notes will come out of my mouth. I don't care if it's the right words. Just please please please may it be the right notes. Please. I will do anything!!!! It would be a special bonus if the notes actually sounded GOOD. We are running the show again tonight, but we are doing it without Anita. It threw me off the last time we did it, but this time - I'm ready to be focused.

In other news, today is my last day as a 25 year old. I'm having mixed feelings about it, I'm getting older and going through so much in my life. I want the time to pass, but I also want it to stand still. This time, though, I'm feeling pretty damn loved.

What's the Best Way to Manage Heart Break?

Check into heart break hotel and be the lead in one of the most amazing stories and musicals of all time!

I’ve been blessed to be working so diligently on such a challenging and wonderful role with an incredibly talented cast. I mean really. It’s heart stopping. It’s not possible to be feeling sad about love when you’ve got this amazing tenor singing in your ear lyrics like, “all the world is only you and me.” “today the world was just an address a place for me to live no better than alright, but here you are..” I don’t care if it’s fake, you can not be sad! Ok, so the whole dying thing kinda puts a huge wrench in the whole experience, but nothing’s perfect.

We ran the whole show recently. Each time it gets better, but the Chino scene is still a mess, and I’m still finding so so so much anger and I can’t find the sadness. I keep hoping that it’s going to come, but so much is going on in my mind and my brain that it’s feeling not real. Plus, I have this haunting voice in my heart that keeps reminding me of college, and how I felt so unsuccessful. It’s discouraging. I don’t know. I’m feeling a little bit confused. Plus, I have this other big thought on my brain at the moment.

Should I move to New York in January?

A lot of my theatre friends have slowly jumped off the ship into the big apple, and just today I got an email from one of them that said, “I’m moving to New York in January. Do you know anyone who wants a roommate? Hey, maybe you can be my roommate.” She was probably joking when she wrote it, but it really got me thinking…. Maybe it’s time I move to New York. Sure, I don’t have my card yet. Sure, I could use a couple more big roles, but I’m net getting any younger. Plus, I have no REAL ties here in the bay area except my relationships, and it’s only going to get harder to make the big move.
I’m seriously considering it.

We Ran the Whole Show

We ran the whole show! I didn' t know we were going to go through ACT 2 so I hadn't gone through my script.
So I had to call line a bunch. Ugh! That's annoying. I didn't want to have to call line, but I did. My singing was all off and just messed up.

It's ok.
Next time we do it... it will be better

Love of MY Life

The hardest scene in the show for me is the one where I’m with Chino and he’s telling me how Tony, the love of my life, killed my brother. It’s really difficult to get to the place where I can really relate to that type of loss, and then go into a fit of anger and rage when the killer comes to my bedroom window. This Friday, I think I found my motivation. Instead of saying, “He killed your brother.” He should say, “He stole your cell phone” because when I left my cell in a cab this Friday, I fell apart and started crying and screaming while chucking all my crap around my apartment. – yes, like a crazy person.

The worst part about the whole thing is that I knew it 5 seconds after I got out of the cab, but I couldn’t turn around and chase the cab down. Oh, it didn’t help it was Friday and lost and found was closed until Monday. So, there I am stranded without my cell phone. I counted down the moments until I could get it back from Yellow Cab prison, and the entire weekend made me actualize just how deep my dependency goes.

So this morning I geared up for operation –Saving-Private-Cell-Phone and headed towards the ends of the Earth, (or errr San Francisco – but, seriously, same thing !) to conquer Yellow Cab Prison. This can’t be part of San Francisco I thought as I parked my car on the gravel road and headed towards the lost and found office walking amongst the broken cabs. – There have been so many times when I myself wanted to smash in the windshield of a cab, and there was something mildly satisfying seeing those broken cabs.

They did not make finding the lost and found office easy, but eventually I was reunited with my greatest treasure and I feel restored.

I Feel.. Forgetful

Sorting huge piles of laundry this morning, I thought to myself, I'll just put these two loads in before my 9pm rehearsal tonight. Continuing to pack for work, I forgot my rehearsal shoes, my script, and forgot to pack my essential cup I use to transport tea back and forth. Mieya, I'll do it when I get home after shopping at Victoria Secrets.

Come to find an email from a friend of mine, "I saw someone in your show yesterday and he can't wait to work with you tonight." What? I'm coming in at 9pm tonight to work on "I Feel Pretty." Let me just check my......schedule.....that's sitting on my kitchen table. DRATS!

"No problem," says Google Docs who safely has stored my schedule into every computer I own.

"Oh," I reply, whew I don't have rehearsal cause I'm not in Act 1 Scene 5 "America" Wait, wait, does that say Act 1 Scene 5 into "America?" Ugh, what is Act 1 Scene 5? Let me just check my......script.....that's sitting on my kitchen table. BEVERLEY!

Drying the tears from my face and picking me up from under my office desk, Myspace says, "Don't worry. You can just stalk cast members and ask them."

Sure enough, Act 1 Scene 5 is the 80 minute Balcony Scene jam packed with non-stop kissing, caressing and singing with Tony and Maria. So, I would have waltz in at 9pm watching Tony singing to his own arm. Egads! Crisis averted.

However, tonight will be the first night that the entire cast gets to hear my voice, and my voice singing the Maria material. I knew from day one that this day would take a lot of mental preparation for me including tea drinking, line studying, song practice and focus. I work so hard to get a role, I get one, I jump for joy and think, Oh God, people are going to hear me sing.

Having other people in the cast hear me sing is worse than having audience members hearing me sing because the audience members can run and hide from you after the show, and it's so dark out in the audience you can not see their facial expressions. It's a win - win situation here, but your fellow talented actors staring at you in rehearsal makes me want to jump out the window. Causually walking into work today thinking that I'm just gonna sing with my "girls" but nooooooo, the day has come!

Feel the fear and do it anyway. - someone famous said that...

West Side Story

I had an incredible stay on Cloud 9, but then Coco, wedding and mom took over my life. Thus, there has been a delay on my theatre story.

I still haven’t heard from Woodminster regarding Pirates, but I know they are going through 2nd callbacks for Millie May 10th. So, I’m still hopeful. Yet, I do have Into the Woods to audition for and there is still some stuff up in the air.

So, I had rehearsal for Coco at 12pm – 5pm on the day of West Side Story callbacks, and I was told that if I got called back to come at 10am no matter what the schedule said. I happily complied and headed to the callbacks in nervous anticipation. I have and had mixed feelings about this because I have wanted to play this part forever, and I couldn’t believe that my chance has come AND I HAVE REHEARSAL.  At callbacks you have the luxury of watching the other talented people up for the same role. I find myself inspired by their creativity. However, having the one on one time with the musical director and director was extremely beneficial, and really reduced the anxiety “to perform” the pressure of a million eyeballs watching you. I left the West Side Story callbacks feeling like I had done my personal best, but of course a few hours later, I find myself second guessing a few of my choices.

My Grease callbacks were on the Monday after. I was still feeling like I had a fighting chance for Maria, but I then discovered who my competition was and my heart dropped to the floor taking every ounce of energy to not burst into tears right then and there. The competition for Grease was fierce. I thought I read well, but my vocal chops for Sandy just aren’t there. I’m not a belter, and the other two girls put the fan in fantastic! Plus, they both could dance, and I knew I really didn’t have a shot, but it was fun to be there and sing, dance and watch. I almost died during the dance callback because my very energetic and talented dance partner picked me up and um almost hit my head on the ceiling and tossed me around like a rag doll. I shrieked, and people soon discovered by the sheer terror on my face that I was actually afraid. He got kindly scolded, and I felt bad because I didn’t want him to think I meant to get him into trouble.

So, completely discouraged I got into my car and I cried the whole way home. The whole time talking out loud to myself (not an exaggeration) that it was ok! You win some loose most. I did my best, and this happens to me all the time! Fight the disappointment. I called my friends told them the “news,” and words of encouragement and extreme support came my way except for the ONE person, who said,
“have you seen the cast list?”
“no.”
“Then stop it!”
“Can you just pretend for one second that I HAVE seen the cast list. What would you say?”
“Congratulations. ”


Then Wednesday came and I got the call with the real news that I actually in fact had been cast as Maria. It was so overwhelming that I began to cry AGAIN. I know I know… I’m always crying. The director said to me, “When I watched you at the Grease callback, I thought, don’t kill my Maria!” It was very gratifying, but man if only I had not lost so much faith. I could have spared myself one emotional roller coaster of a week!

I am so thrilled to be so lucky!

I Feel Pretty!!!!!!!

Because I'm going to be singing Maria in ACLO's production of West Side Story.

Let me come down from Cloud 9, and I'll tell you the story tomorrow.