Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween

Did I scare you? Well, I scared myself. I’ve actually been doing that a lot lately. Waking up after only 5 hours of sleep and looking in the mirror, I jump back in terror thinking what is that THING gazing back at me.

Oh, yes, it’s the sleep deprived, overly caffeinated and running on fumes Beverley starring back at you. (sigh)

I’ve been back from Hawaii for a week, and already it feels like an entire century ago. I realized that as I hit rock bottom last Wednesday:

It was the 3rd day of rehearsal, and I had been gone for a week, so, I was overly thinking about all the moments needing my focused energy. Plus, I have been commuting two hours everyday all over the bay area, and after rehearsal it was pumpkin carving day with my gracious sister who waited up for me to carve with me.

I got home around 11:30pm and we carved pumpkins for an hour with the angry feisty kitty, and she exercised her naturally creative talent and skills with her amazing Happy Halloween pumpkins. Mine looked like an outside cat after an after dark bar fight in the trashcans with the town’s local feral. Who cares that one eye is significantly larger than the other, the mouth is a little disfigured, and the ears are not proportionate! I’m tired ok. I need some sleep.

So, after the quick clean up I turned in around 12:30am. I turned off the lights and went to crash onto my mattress. The darkness took a little longer for my eyes to adjust, but I didn’t care – the goal was to reach my bed. When I arrived at what I thought was my bed, I put all my weight forward onto my hands knowing that I was going to hit the mattress in 2.5 seconds. Alas, I miscalculated the position of my bed, and the mattress was about 2 inches in front of me. Naturally I lunged forward with my leg to catch my fall, but my bed was right there, just not right in front of me. So, I lunged forward into my bed frame. Laughing and wincing with pain I turned on the light to look at the mark. Sure enough – there was the scrape on my knee serving as a constant reminder: get sleep, and don’t be a dumb ass.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

I'm Home

Walking along the beach my first night in Kauai I noticed an overweight middle aged man standing on an elevated wall of rocks wearing an unbuttoned and open obvious tourist Hawaiian shirt that might have fit him 3 years ago. His beer belly hanging over his khaki shorts, and his shaggy, uncut, un-brushed long curly hair pulled back in a pony tail. His smudgy glasses rested at the edge of his nose trying to hide his longing gaze as he starred down at the young, tan, muscle infused boys joyfully wake boarding at the crashing waves of the ocean on the beach.

He stood there for what seemed like an eternity obviously caught on his own wall between the unpredictable ocean and the safety of his limitation defined swimming pool behind him. I watched him turn into the safety of the calm unsuspecting, guilt-free pool leaving behind the unknown ocean. I felt the ping of his unfulfilled heart, and I thought may I not become trapped by my haunting friend: Fear.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Until Next Week

I left Monday’s post stand alone for a few days and then I drastically changed the subject because the severity of the reality started to sink in. Knowing you’re moving, but you don’t have a date is a lot different than knowing your moving, you put in an apartment application and you have a date that you’re moving to NYC. I get extremely excited, and then I get extremely sad.

Anyway, I’m on vacation for a week. I’ll be offline, but I’ll be back next Saturday.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

I'll Show You

Coming home late from rehearsal the other night, I discovered that my cat, Squeaks, is crazy.

Jolted by the sound of my voice, she awakes from a deep slumber hiding underneath a quilt and anticipates my door arrival. “She heard your voice,” my honorary mom says as she carries Squeaks to me. Touched at first I quickly learned her eagerness strictly came from her desire to show me her new trick: she can jump EVEN HIGHER at herself in the mirror.

Taking her into the room, she leaps out of my arms and struts towards the mirror. She pauses to sit without breaking eye contact with herself for a second. I’m staring down at her, and she briefly decides to look at me then back at herself then back at me and she says, “I know there is a cat behind this door. Open the closet door this VERY MINUTE.”

So, as requested, I open the closet door and she tears through stopping in confusion to find a skateboard, cloths and endless piles of shoes.

Completely baffled she comes back out and sits on my lap and says, “ Why do you do this to me? Don’t you love me best?”

Laughing I reply, “Yes, Squeaks – I love you best, but I assure you there is no cat on the other side of the door. You are staring at yourself.”

So she burrows herself underneath my blanket and I turn off the light to go to sleep. Minutes later I hear the wheels in her brain. “ha,” she says to herself, “I’ll show her.”
Then she proceeds to jump at herself for another 20 minutes.

Run run run BANG
Run run run BANG
Run run run BANG
Run run run BANG

After countless attempts, she finally retreats to bed, but I’m desperately trying to sleep through the continuous BANG BANG BANG BANG. No wonder the poor dogs are going crazy. They don’t understand why there is a crazy cat in my room.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The Differences

Transitioning from city life to suburbia life has been a rather difficult task. I didn’t quite understand the magnititude effect that San Francisco had on my perception of life. I first assumed that the adjustment would be easy since I lived in Mtn. View most of my life and then went to Sonoma State, and then I lived in San Francisco. By my behavior the last few weeks, you would swear I have never lived anywhere but San Francisco.

1) Lack of Driving Ablity

First of all, my driving skills have gone out the window. Going over 55 mph on the freeway seems ABSOLUTELY ABSURD to me, and I would much rather twist and turn down these obscure streets then continually travel down this bleak highway that never ends. Everyday feels like I’m driving to LA.

2) Sleeping with Crickets or without Crickets.
Going to sleep in utter silence was deafening, and for the first few nights I could not fall asleep sleep. No sirens? No over aggressive motorcyclists trying to prove their manhood? No loud drunkards calling for a taxi cab? Where am I?

3) Parking lots…
…are a nightmare. A complete utter nightmare and really San Francisco is better off with out them. It takes just as long to find parking in a lot then on the streets of SF, and I do not want to hear anymore wining about the one way streets in the city because you guys have the one way stupid parking lots that nobody pays attention to anyway.

4) Fast Food…
…is FAR easier to access. I forgot all about Taco Bell, McDonalds, Burger King and the rest of the usual suspects. Oh Krispey Kreme is close by and SO IS IN-N-OUT, and it only smells of very very good bad for you food instead of a room jam packed with tourists and the homeless.

5) Nothing is close by
In San Francisco there are a million different ways to get to ONE location. Tell me what street your on and what the cross street and I from anywhere in the city I will figure out how to get there. In addition, it’s a big giant circle. If I make a wrong turn, I’ll just go down the next street and cut over. The one way streets aren’t forgettable, and the free way is ALWAYS only a few miles away from ANYWHERE in the city.

This is not true in suburbia, and it’s very painful. You can not just wing it. You have to know exactly where you’re going and do not be alamared by driving through houses and school districts to get to a car auto place. Things here are not nicely sectioned off.

6) The driving is much more unbearable, and chores take you twice as long.
In San Francisco you need to go grocery shopping, go the bank and the post office. Sure, no problem. Just go to the safeway that has the bank and post office INSIDE – or go to SOMA where all three places are on the same block. No problem 30 minutes tops.
Not here.
You have to DRIVE EVERYWHERE. I mean everywhere. Fight the parking lots, do the errand, and drive to the next place. Rinse. Repeat. An excursian that would take 30 minutes in San Francisco takes 70 minutes here with all the distance, driving and parking efforts.

7) Directions.
People here give the oddest directions, and I can not remember a time where I was just as guilty of such a crime. Please don’t write out all the different landmarks I’m going to see in paragraph form. I can not drive and read at the same time. It’s a skill I would like to develop, but alas, I am still in the beginning stages.

What do you mean you don’t know the street names?

“Go a little ways and turn right on where you see the big tree.”

“Ok. What’s the street name?”

“Um, actually, I don’ t know.”

People – are you kidding me?

Monday, October 13, 2008

The Count Down to NYC begins.

The laundry list of events is piling up including: how I shaved off a layer of my skin on accident, the go carting experience on Saturday, Squeaks running into herself in the mirror, the hour before rehearsal last night at the pizza shop, the differences between suburbia and the city, but I think for some the anticipated results of the audition for Into the Woods is more of a pressing issue to divulge.

The audition itself went incredibly well. The usual self sabotage did take place, but I persevered and sang my very best. My reaction to the callback list happened to be the least anticipated; I felt relieved and overjoyed.

I have overcome so many obstacles my last three years in the bay area and to see that I was one of five people called back for Cinderella’s step sisters in a house with equity contracts with over 100 bay area actors auditioning felt like a paycheck. After all the hard work, I’m finally starting to go somewhere. All that said, I passed on the callback and decided to proceed with the move to New York.

So, it looks like I now have an official date of January 12th 2009.

My roommate and I put in an application for an apartment in Washington Heights, and we are eagerly awaiting the results. If that does not pan out, we have begun to aggressively search for places around the cheaper areas of Manhattan.

I’m filled with grief leaving the only area I have ever known and deeply love. The terrifying fear of failure is daunting, and I’m haunted by the fact I will be alone in a cut-throat city.

I will miss my support system of friends out here, and I hope to spend time with everyone before I leave because I will need you when I’m out there more than any other time I have ever needed you.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Last Bay Area Audition Tomorrow.

Into the Wood's audition really crept up from right behind me. I remember receiving an email from the artistic director saying i've heard great things about your work, I hope you can come out to the audition. It amazes me how far a little genuine compliment will get you because I have in my head since that e-mail, I'm going to audition for this production. That was back in May perhaps it was April. So much so that my move date for New York has not been set yet because the status of this production has not yet been determined. I decided that I will either move January 10th or Feb 9th depending on what happens with this audition. It's been in my mind this way since August, and now all of a sudden it's tomorrow?!?

It's such a strange thing because I'm feeling really ill prepared, but the truth is that I'm singing a song that I know very well. I know the show well enough, and I'm no more prepared than I was for WSS or Do I Hear a Waltz auditions. I think because I have built this event up so much in my mind, and a lot is riding on it - it feels like a bigger deal than it I know it is.

It doesn't matter if I don't get this show. You win some and loose most. It's not like Maria which was a dream role for me, but it's a show that I love and I think it would be fun to do. However, it's very different to not get a role in a show that you really want versus getting a role in a show that you think would be fun. The very first time I started to become obsessed with a show in this weird I want to get a role way was Throughly Modern Millie, and it was my first audition since I started studying with my new interum teacher. I had just come off 9 months of studying with someone who was not working for me, and I had to go into some vocal rehab, and then came the Millie audition. I knew it was going to be the first audition that I really really wanted since all the mess, so, I obsessed over it. Listened to the soundtrack everyday. practiced every song everyday. Jumped into tap classes 4 or 5 times a week to brush up on my skills. I had a voice lesson right before I was going to audition, and after singing through my two songs, I basically paralized myself with fear. I drove half way there, and TURNED AROUND! I called the emergency number listed, and said," I'm sorry I can't comitt to the performances", and I TURNED AROUND! I didn't even audition.

A feeling of releif came over me, and I wasn't sure if I had made myself that miserable about "failure," if it was because it had been so long since I had sung well, or if I had put myself through all this unnecessary pressure causing loads of stress! I started to comptiplate whether or not I had bordered insanity or if I was just infact not prepared, which was the excuse I sent to my brain. "I'm just not ready" This was at DLOC for goodness sake, not a Broadway Revival.

That was two years ago. I have come a long way in those two years. I hadn't been like that about a show until West Side Story. Luckily, it wasn't as bad because I was starting to get cast in stuff again, and I had played leads roles since. Plus, at the time of the audition I happened to be in another show. Thus, I really didn't have the time to obsess in the way I did for Millie. When for a split second I thought I wasn't going to be Maria, I was beside myself for a few days because I had prepared for that audition for a year. I knew it was coming, and I wanted it soooooooooooo badly. I could not imagine being so close AGAIN for the second time to play such an incredible role and then miss it, again. When I didn't get Mabel in Pirates, I thought meyeah.... I'll get it next time.

Now I'm faced with the Woods audition, and I'm not sure how I'm going to react because I have become obsessed with the show, but in a different way. I would love love love to play Cinderella or Bakers Wife or even Rapanze, but I think I would be disappointed and hope for the next time I'll get to play the part. Not sitting in my car bawling for 15 minutes before attempting to drive home slurring "Win some loose most" into the answering machine of my so not available boyfriend at the time.

I'm not sure how I'm going to react about these auditions. I can already tell you that I'm feeling "ill prepared," and I think it's because I discovered how stiff my competition is because there are over 100 people auditioning. Egads. This ill prepared bull has got to escape my mental physcie otherwise I will never hack it in New York. It's the "Oh, I wasn't really prepared that's why I didn't get it." Put the negative energy out there, and the negative results will happen.

So, I'm trying to change my attitude, and thinking about how I'm going to go in there and nail that audition tomorrow! All I have is my very best, and if there is someone else that can do the role, then I'll go do the role in New York.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Talulah meets Squeaks

and it has been slow going.

Since moving back home, I have subjected two very comfortable and happy dogs to the evilness of this great spectacular cat.

Talulah is doing much much better than Gus, but it's going to take a lot a lot of time. Gus cries and cries and cries and cries while Ashley holds him down. Squeaks minds about her narcissistic self and stands in front of the mirror watching herself or she snuggles deep down into my arms. Shes hissed a few times, but she has not tried to swat at either one of them. Talulah shakes vigorously for a few minutes until she finally calms down, and Squeaks feels OK about being near her. Yet, Squeaks is still afraid, and runs away.

It all looks very promising.

Friday Crash Day

Exhaustion overwhelmed me when the alarm clock went off at 6:00am on Friday. So, I resent the alarm for 7:00am, and decided to head to work just a little bit earlier because dinner with my New York roommate would be nice to get out of work a little early to start the preparations for dinner. Plus it’s been a week since the commuting began, and the amount of driving is starting to get to me.

8:00am and I’m in the car heading to work, and for the first time no illegal activity went down. Focused and alert not singing and not on the phone, I turned right on the 2-way 2 lane road on the way to work. Luckily, I was caught behind a catalac that forced me to drive under the speed limit. The catalac turns right at the bottom of the hill as I continue on thinking about work and all the image pathing to be done, the BMW convertible decides to flip an illegal u-turn about 100 feet in front of me.

Panicked, I start slamming on my breaks, and he’s panicked because he has completely stopped and is perpendicular to the road.
I’m not stopping.
I’m not slowing down, but I’m only going 30 miles per hour.
There’s nowhere for me to go.
I jerk the wheel to the left, but there is a car coming in the other direction.

Clutching to the wheel for support, my eyes began to fill with tears as I slowly slammed into his stopped car.

The bumper on the passenger side of the car completely peeled away from the car, and the remenets of the right light lay in front of the vehicle. The wheel well of my car completely bent in making the car not drivable, but I didn’t realize till after.

After exchanging information, I drove my not drivable car into the parking lot of my work, and began making my series of phone calls once I calmed down from my hysterical state.

So, I know that I’m not known for my impeccable driving skills, and being a little de focused while singing, talking on the phone or what not. I WAS LEGITAMETLY not doing anything this time.

The towing company set up by my insurance company came and hooked the car up and sent it out.

Enterprise came over to pick me up to get my rental car. After spending 20 minutes walking around the building to find the driver, I get into the weed smelling vehicle and prayed to arrive alive.

Then the waiting begins compounded with the frustration for having to go through this horrible stressful process, and the tears begin to stream down my face. Knowing it’s not Enterprises fault, I tried to contain my emotional rollar coaster of emotions, but could not find comfort in the small lame small talk the young lady who went to my college tried to partake in. When the “Please stop talking to me looks” did not work, I tried the “Im going to peel your skin off with my eyes, and I’m going to do it slowly” finally made her uncomfortable enough to just stop talking to me. I did not want to chat about theatre, Sonoma State, people we used to know. I just wanted to sit here quietly and wait for my car to arrive.

“We only have a truck will that be ok for you?”

“No,” I screamed as I lept across the counter and began pulling out her hair.

Fine. I just said no it would not be ok because I drive a hybrid Honda civic. You want to give me a truck. Are you serious?

So, it’s back into the weed smelling car with the smalltalk gal and some other guy that we’re going to drop off at the deelers. 5 minutes into the car ride, they have the perfect car for me. So, we turn around back to Enterprise and I’m plopped into a 70 dollar a tank gas guzzling SUV that is on empty.

Then I have to get to the Auto Body Shop, but I’m stuck in Suberbia land, and I have NO IDEA how to get about. Going to an Auto Body Shop in the middle of residential land doesn’t give me an overwhelming sense of you’re going in the right direction. Three hysterical phone conversations later, I finally arrive at the body shop. Everyone there parts ways and burries their face into their perspective desks because they have no idea how the crazy lady is going to react. My poor father, I screamed at him as if it was his fault that all this crap was happening to me, and the people at the auto place could not figure out why it was so difficult for me to get to the auto place. I’m used to San Francisco. It’s 7 miles long. Getting off the freeway and driving 8 miles to your location is foreign to me.

That was the end to my already stressful week. As tomorrow approaches, I long for a much happier and prosperous week.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Do I Hear a Waltz?

As I’ve stated before, I’ve started rehearsal for “Do I Hear a Waltz” playing at Masquers Playhouse in Pt. Richmond. The musical is written by Arthur Lawrence, composed by Richard Rogers with lyrics by Stephen Sondheim.. On Oscar Hammerstein’s death bed, he said to Sondheim, “Please write with Rogers.” So, Mary Rogers (composer of Once Upon A Mattress) called Sondheim, and said please do this musical with my dad. Although Sondheim’s first composed musical, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum., was a huge success. He kept his promise to Hammerstein. Then this amazing little gem of a musical came despite the struggle between the lyricist and the composer, and played on Broadway for a shortish amount of time.

The lead character, Leona, comes to Venice, Italy. She stays with Fioria, along with Jennifer and Eddie Yaeger, and Mr. and Mrs. McIlhenny. The bitter sweet musical will take you on a journey into the insight of relationships.

I get to play the trophy wife, Jennifer Yaeger. I’m really drawn to this musical because it’s very “ironic.” I laugh inside because Brecht was the semester that I had the most trouble, and now I’m working on a musical that’s all about it! This up-tempo catchy really happy tune, but the lyrics are so horrible. - about a girl who is getting beaten by her husband, drinking in bed, a husband who acts homosexual, but “we’re gonna be ok.” It’s a great number. I also get to sing one of the most beautiful ballads in the whole show, “Moon in my Window.” The rest of the cast is extremely talented, and I am looking forward to working with this incredible talented cast. I hope that my website is done by the time the show goes up.

It’s going to be a good show, but the drive might kill me.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Time Flies

Remember when I wrote this?

I re-read it this morning, and balled my eyes out. It's been a year already with so much change, and the daunting feeling of knowing that separation is coming looms over me, but more than anything.... I think... well, let's start here:

The past few years have been extremely difficult for me as I try to figure out my controlling relations, trying to find my squashed voice while balancing an appropriate amount of compassion to my own imperfections. It's been excruciatingly tough for me, and my family has gotten the brunt of it. Especially, her, and she is family.

I hope she knows how much I appreciate her in my life, and how lucky I am to have such an amazing person that would drop everything just to give me a hug. I know she hears what I don't say, and offers guidance in the midst of my confusion. I'm not exactly sure what I'll do without her immediate company after I move. So know that I am so grateful, and love her dearly.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

The end of Chapter 2

October 1, 2008 marks the beginning of my transition period. It’s been hard for me to connect and feel close because I have been so… just disconnected.

This weekend was extremely hard.

The alarm clock went off at 6:00am on Saturday morning, but I had already been anxiously tossing and turning since 5:30am waiting for the sound of that awful alarm. I jumped out of bed, and began packing my car with the small boxes. My dear friend J made us breakfast, and my sister with Boyfriend arrived and finished packing up my beautiful house.

I went back to clean on Saturday and Sunday, and mopped the floor with tears and soap water.

I knew that moving was going to be hard, but I didn’t realize that it would be this hard. I loved my San Francisco apartment with my great friends in the building. It felt like I had roommates, but my own room. It felt like a home – my home - now it’s all packed up in my sister’s garage, and I’m living out of a suitcase.

It’s a strikingly empty feeling. I’m feeling completely alone, even though, I’m not. In this heavy transition, I find my only comfort is rehearsal.

Goodnight San Francisco, I will miss you deeply.