Typical

Me: What do you want to have for dinner tonight?

Him: Nothing.

Me: Mmmm. Sounds tasty.

Him: Yup. It's fat free.

An Open Letter to Fastrak

Dear Fastrak,

For the last 30 minutes, I've wondered around my apartment trying to articulate my disgust and disdain for you without sounding like an emotional basket-case I once was a few weeks ago. How exactly can I put into words how I feel about you without sounding completely irrational, irate and livid. I can't do it. So, I'm just going to say it.

Fastrak - you're evil. evil. evil evil. evil. evil.

I'm unclear as to why you purposely torture your customers. Is it masochistic pleasure you receive from refusing to fix transponders that are broken? Did you laugh to yourself when your customers get into car accidents that require rental cars that need a transponder you refuse to fix? I bet the real joy comes from sending your customer an EIGHT dollar toll fine she PAID in full that you CASHED, but not before you sent her to a collection agency.

You sent me to collections for EIGHT effing dollars. Do you hold up children at their lemonade stands too? Fastrak, you're a bastard.

Ok, let's not get into name calling - I apologize. I understand that I did have three different addresses in such a short period of time, but if you really processes all that paperwork to send me to collections for eight dollars, you can't bother to fix it after you got my check and cashed it. You act like I hadn't been a customer for FIVE years. We were practically best friends. I was visiting you everyday. I even considered having you in my wedding.

I'm serious fastrak. You have caused me a lot of grief since I've moved to New York. Is this what it's really about? I moved? Well, at this point, I'll never EVER come back to you. I'll just happily wait in line to pay my $12 dollars at the bridge toll because you suck. you suck. you suck.

Love,
Bev

P.S. The Law Enforcement place you sent me too sucks as well...

Crazy is Overwhelming.

My current boss once told me (in reference to serving tables) - just say it and then let it go. I'm going to apply the same theory here.

I recently re-read my blog again and noticed I write mostly when I'm sad or struggling. I made a choice to try and avoid the musings of a super sad heart, and while I'd like to think that's the reason I have avoided writing the past difficult 7 months, the truth is I've avoided writing because I don't want to write about how unsuccessful, lonely and depressed I've felt here in New York.

I wanted to define the way I use the word "lonely" I have met amazing people and spent great time with people out here in NYC. People who will remain part of my life in future years including my new best friend and partner in whom I find most of my NYC joy. I just miss my CA friends so much. I don't even miss my "life" in SF. While I do love the location, the constant absence of my friends leaves a hole in my heart that can't be filled and is eating me alive right now. I often find myself thinking and wishing their presence remained in my daily life. In truth, I didn't anticipate the absence to slowly become as destructive as it has the past few months. It's worse because I hardly talk to any of them. Not as much as I thought it would and it's killing me. Ok, well, it's torturing me.

I've also gained a lot of weight. A noticeable amount of weight. Enough weight that hardly any of my cloths fit including the cloths that I wore when I didn't feel in the best shape. Enough weight that has made me divert my eyes when I catch glimpses of myself in the mirror or see pictures of myself. I'm in no shape good for my body and I'm mad at myself for getting to this point. My age and drop in metabolism has made it much more difficult to lose unwanted weight as it has in the past. This is destroying my self-esteem and ruining my motivation. So, I can't bring my "lazy" self to work out and I get so mad at myself for it so I continue to eat crappy. A vicious cycle.

Then there is performing. I've sung the same song for the past 7 months. It's obviously not working, so, naturally I should learn more material. Yet, I have noway to work it that will comfort my perfectionistic mind. So, I'm continuously singing the same unperfect song. Another viscous cycle.

A contributing factor to my increasing misery is my brand of hormone pill. I'm on a different brand which I started 8 months ago and I haven't been able to adjust yet. I'm feeling extremes of emotions and I can't control my reactions even while I know it's happening and I know that I'm over reacting.

So, I'm basically caught in two vicious cycles while being an "emotional grab bag." I'm crazy. It's the bottom line. Going crazy slowly at least. I have moments of clarity and I fight to sustain my sanity but often fail miserably. My sweetheart has been amazing with his patience from God, but I know my time is ticking and I will eventually wear on him. There can only be so many melt downs in the kitchen, screaming fits in the living room and sobbing fests while shooting a nerf gun at the wall.

What am I going to do? Embrace this moment of clarity, face this haunting dark crazy and remind myself of all the joy life and New York has brought me. I found my sweetheart - a blessing. I found a job in a tough economy that I didn't have much experience in and it's perfect for auditioning. Another blessing. I am experiencing living more than two hours away from where I was raised. I'm also going to actively search for a creative outlet to sustain me while I continue to audition. Most importantly, I'm going to change my hormone, eat better and work out. Hopefully, those drastic changes will drastically change my mood and return my motivation.

Summation

of the last few months....

So, I interviewed with the restaurant from the open call and started training there that following Wednesday after Valentines Day back in February. I immediately got swept in the whirl wind restaurant business discovering that I SUCKED at waiting tables. It's so much harder than anyone really gives it credit for and the nightmares began. I still haven't managed to conquer the work dreams, but I've finally gotten a handle on serving tables. I knew that I'd get it and that it would just take me some time, but many days I already felt defeated and I hadn't even begun.

I'm dating someone new. I haven't expressly asked for his permission to disclose any information about him on the Internet. So, I'm withholding until I ask him because unlike the ones before he will read what I'm writing about. Nevertheless, he's a perfect partner to my crazy. We work and I'm happy.

I'm still auditioning but I was really sick for 6 weeks and then the summer came causing everything to slow down here in New York. I moved here knowing it was going to be hard. Yes, even THIS hard.

I've gone back to Florida to visit my family including my nephew and my brand niece. One of my visits included my brand new boyfriend, which I think went well.

I went back to California for a wedding and to visit all my friends and I really miss them all. Especially because I don't really talk to many of them - at least not as much as I used to it.

aaaaaand that's really it. I haven't done much else except eat my face off so now I'm fat.

Sunday Part 2

It’s the second to last Sunday here in Mountain View!! In 13 days I will be somewhere in Arizona.

I’m sitting here in front of the television wearing my wool cashmere sweater and a purple scarf wrapped around my neck watching the movie/show that inspired it all! The four girls that I watched many hours over while debating whether or not I should move to NYC. The four girls that gave me the courage to pack up my bags in San Francisco and move! When I decided finally to move to New York, I watched many hours of this show to remind myself that I will have a blast despite the wretched turmoil that these four girls went through with love, men and work! Granted, they had each other, and my close network of friends will be strewn across California. It’s ok – that is what the Internet is for, and the telephone does wonders. Who knows what is in store for me, but I am starting to get extremely excited about the move. I am still terrified, but the excitement is taking over.

I spent this weekend looking for a winter coat! I went to Macy’s, Bloomingdales, Nordstrom and Burlington Coat Factory. Each store was covered with winter coats on sale. Macy’s even had a whole floor just for coats! I thought for sure that I would find at least ONE coat that was my size! Alas, I was incorrect. I did not find a coat in my size and I went to the stores at Valley Fair and the stores in San Francisco! I am a 4! A 4!!!!!! Is that really difficult to find? Yes. It is. There were only three 6’s in the entire store, and believe me I searched those stores like I was in ROSS! I suppose that I don’t have any choices left except to just wait until I get to New York. So, I finally buckled down and bought this down jacket that isn’t exactly CUTE, but at least I will be warm. I will be warm, and when I can get there I can look for a cute warm wool coat!

Merry Christmas

Sister: Are you really cooking in your stilettos?

Me: Yes. I'm so 1950s

Sister: Yeah, seriously.

Me: Ummm coming from the girl who is sewing a hat for her Boyfriend.

Almost 2009

Aw, I haven’t updated in a while, but I needed a break from my crazy.

Ok. Fine. I have a small chance from escaping all my crazy, but I needed a break from my larger crazy that consumes my heart, my soul and my spirit. It has truly been a long time since I have felt so stoic, cold, empathetic and just a walking contradiction. At times I’m filled with an outpour of emotion, and other times – I’m emotionally numb. Believe you me - these are not my darkest days. I’m working through it and I am not alone. My spirit is filled with hope despite the whisperings of fear, despair and aloneness. I know that I am not alone, and that this is just part of my path. I have found peace in knowing that this is just part of my plan.

The show is wonderful. I have loved every single moment that I have had spending time with the cast, the music and Jennifer. She brings lightness to me that I have been craving, and I love it. I get a chance to wallow in her stupidity, ignorance, vein spirit and tragic soul! I love it. Love it love it love it! Three more weeks of that show, and then it’s over. I have been dreading that a little bit.

I’m also working on the Christmas show. It’s great. It’s wonderful. We’re going up next week, and I still have some memorizing to do, but I will be ok. I’m not too worried about it. Tonight we get to meet the kids, and I’m looking forward to it!

I cannot believe that today is December 2nd. What a year, and the start of 2009 will be fantastic!! Just 39 more days until I leave!!

Time Management

I need need need to practice my time management skills.

I have to do a good blog everyday. Fail.

I have to get on the move for New York and bang out some details. Fail.

I have to finish a website that I've been dragging my heels on. FAIL!!!!!! - This one is causing me the largest amount of stress right now, but I'll manage. I am resolving this moment to stop being lazy and get on it.

So Busy

I'm not sure why today has been so busy!

I just have been doing all these errands and getting ready for the show. I haven't forgotten about you, and I'm sorry my posts are so lame. Rest assure - I am doing my best.

Another Fantastic Weekend...

...is coming to an end this wonderful Sunday evening.

The weekend of shows was great and spending time with my loved ones was even better. I'm a little disappointed that I didn't get to spend some more time with a friend of mine who was having a birthday this weekend, but that is ok because I will make up to him next week as soon as my dog duty days are over!

I had friends come see the show tonight and yesterday night! That was great! I loved being able to finally talk about and process the show! It was just an all around good weekend.

This week is going to be extremely busy. I have to start working on creating a website, and I am determined to get it done before Thanksgiving. i truly should have had it done much sooner, but one gets lazy. I am getting lazy. I need to get on it.

Now that I have a lot more free time, I can get it done.

Out with the Old in with the NEW

You'd think with more available time I would be addicted to writing like a crazy person. Yet, what did you want me to talk about? How my life got complicated and the very next day I got laid off from work 4 months before my plan to move to NYC?

Ok, sure, I'll pretend for a split second that you have an interest in empathizing with me for a moment, but really you're thinking thank God I still have a job and my love life is fantastic! :)

I'm just kidding - forgive the negative bitter taste to my conversation. The stress of moving out of my wonderful happy apartment and frantically trying to figure out how to feed my mouth and save money for the next few months has been getting to me. I've put everything on the back burner except trying to figure out my livelihood.

I should get used to this. I'm trying to think of this as a sign because this is what my life is going to be like in NYC. Frantic, hectic, jumping from job to job. Not knowing what is going to come next, and I'm trying to embrace this change and find the comfort in the uncomfortable. I had a feeling that my job was going to get outsourced, but I had hoped that it would last until January.

In addition to the unwanted stress, my show Patient A is opening tomorrow night. With all this negative energy surrounding me, I didn't get a chance to really talk about the process. My mine has been defocused. I'm in rehearsal and I figure it out in rehearsal. Then it stays in rehearsal. I haven't had much time to really figure out and analyze the process of the show. I have loved working with my fellow talented actors and with the director who offered a lot of insight to this gem of a show.

The line memorizing!! SO MANY LINES. I mean lines lines lines. Huge speeches about a life that you must convey is/was your own. Speak as if it is the first time you're saying this story. It's very difficult!! Acting is hard and the market is over populated. Yet, I am moving to NYC. I can't give it up - not yet at least.

The Universe is Mad at Me

I'm 26 years old and my face looks like I have chicken pox.

Seriously, I'm 26.

I should be past chicken pox AND the zits that are covering my face. I'm embarrassed to be out in public

Practice with Potential.

"I stopped singing in grade school because someone told me I sucked," says my masseuse during my 90 minute massage that accidentally turned into 60 minutes. The words shook me to my core until she said, "I didn't know why I stopped singing until I worked it out in psychic therapy." Um, I hope you can't read minds also because I'm starting to feel mildly uncomfortable laying naked on your table. 40 minutes later and more relaxed then ever, I started contemplating the idea of potential. When is it ok to rely on potential and when is not?

My amazing eye-brow goddess said to me once, "Potential is a mind-f*ck" when referring to our oh so awesome boyfriends. We quickly spiraled into a conversation of how life is too short to be using the phrases: "putting up with" or "he's working on this." I left feeling totally side swiped and blind sighted by potential in a lot of aspects in my life. Always hoping, waiting and wanting in eager anticipation for "something" to happen. Filled with thoughts of "stop waiting" - "don't settle" - "it's never gonna happen" - "things don't change," I walked away feeling more alone then ever.

Yet, I've heard "you've got potential" used to describe myself so many times that I couldn't imagine how things would be if I didn't believe I had it. If I didn't believe that I could change or if I wasn't hopeful, then... oh, I can't even think of the then.

So, I'm not a quitter... sadly, I'm not a quitter. I'm filled with too much hope.

The iphone .05

http://twitter.com/beverleyviljoen

It's very addicting. You can even text your updates, and it feels like you have an iphone. At least that's what I tell myself.

The Doctor.

I loathe, detest, hate and dread the doctors. ANY doctors, dentist, gyno, general practitioner, dermatologist – name it: I avoid it.

I put of my annuals until the VERY last second. So far as to say, I call in a million and one favors to all my doctor friends begging and pleading to re-fill my baby stoppers for me. Well, my drugs are getting too expensive and I’m experience an unusual pain that I figured must not be dismissed, so I scheduled an annual. However, my insurance has recently changed to sucksnet Healthnet and I needed to get a new doctor.

ONLY ONE DOCTOR in my area that is covered, and they managed to fit me in three days later. - My first concern.

I arrived at the doctors office, only to discover, that the office itself was at the end of a long damask and broken down hallway that smelled of old body oder. Run –run faraway Beverley. Alas, I walked into the empty waiting room, and proceeded to fill out all the necessary paper work required for an examine. This also entails a urine sample. Ugh, fine, sure whatever…. She says, “The bathroom is located all the way down at the end of the hall past the elevators.”

Are.you.freaking.kidding.me.

Do you know what she is asking me to do? I have to go to the PUBLIC restroom pee in a cup, and then CARRY IT BACK to the office…. past the elevators….. where everyone can see me? Oh, please don’t mind me… I’m just washing my hands here, and yes that is a cup full of … sitting on the sink.

Ew.Ew.Ew.Ew.Ew.

Can you believe how disgusting that is? It’s so vile. My stomach still turns still thinking about it. I almost walked out right there, but I HAD TO GO to the doctor. It turns out that he was very nice, funny and I actually really liked him a lot. But seriously, get a bathroom inside the office.

Sick.

I brought in 2007 with a cold that knocked me off my feet. If you look at all the New Year’s pictures, I look completely and utterly intoxicated, but no. I just had a fever, and I scarfed down food that cost 200 dollars without tasting a single bite. A lot of that food looked suspect, so, being congested worked in my favor.

Now, I have brought a cold into 2008, but I am determined to shake it before it gets to the point that I’m snuggling up with Nightquil and mucus. At first, I thought it was just in my throat, but I realized soon after that my brain has been affected as well. Yesterday, I think I said, “I feel like I’m counting my petties.” Instead of saying, “I feel like I’m counting my pennies.” Is my intelligence really regressing that drastically? No, it’s gotta be the cold. It’s just gotta.

How should I remedy this?

I absolutely agree with you, coffee.

Coffee is sososososoosososososososoos good, and it makes my heart smile at the mere thought of drinking a nice smooth cup of coffee.  I yearn for the day that I can work remotely in a small café across the world drinking a nice cup of coffee, as I tell you of my travels.

See the type of dreams my brain is concocting in my delirious sickie state?

It's back to work...

But not for me!!!! I'm here with my awesome family. Wanna see?







Ooo, and for SOME reason I am addicted to a baby. This one:


He is seriously the sweetest thing I have ever seen, held, hugged, kissed, chased AND even cleaned. I love love love him. :) Other than the growing list of "things" that I neglected to do this week including: designing and coding my portfolio, working on my monologue and finishing up the two coding projects I have taken on, I have been lounging on the couch eating sees candy praying that my mouth chewing will help exercise my body enough to loose weight. ha! If only!

Happy working.

Friday clean your desk day.

It's Friday.

Every Friday, I like to clean the desk so it's sparkling new for Monday, when I arrive. i haven't so much done it, since I've been at my new job. However, I beginning to feel a little more comfortable as I stay here. It's getting better.

So, I'm going to go clean my desk.

My one 20 minute break today.

me: can you please tell me what happens with wilson and house please

ashley: what season?

me: 3, i just finished 2, and I heard that house has no friends. not even wilson. what happens in 3?

ashley: oh they get past it

me: is it cuddy?

ashley: no, just watch

me: please tell me

ashley: no

me: ugh please. but they get past it? promise?

ashley: yes

me: please tell me what it is

ashley: they are friends this season

me: please sister, tell me

ashley: no

me: fine i'll just look it up

ashley: that is lame

me: so

ashley: just watch it like a normal person

me: when under any circumstances have i acted like a normal person?

ashley: never, but that is lame

Monday Monday la la la la la la la

Wow. You should have heard that song sung in high school. Ashley, maybe you'll go into detail for us? Does dad have a recording?!?!?

I can't get back into the work week. I have so much to do! I thought that all the House watching would get me back into the spirit of hard work. Yet, it's just made me wish Gregory House was a real person, and that there were many many many many many many many more episodes of his greatness.

Alas, I must resort back to the Disney Channel. Oh, I have an idea. How about I do some real work, de-mushafy my brain and start working on some monologues and songs for the 500 auditions I have coming up?

Nah. Let's watch House