Acting Year End

Picture this: 11am on a Monday morning, 10 degrees outside-but the window's open, my hair's knotted up in one big dread lock, a belly filled with french fries -burgers - buffalo fingers - pickle chips - and a salad with no dressing (wanted to save on calories), an empty coffee cup from yesterday trying to be filled by a willful gaze and most importantly an empty room with a giant soap box that I'm about to step on. Ok, ready?


It's my first real day off since the end of my 1st semester at Cap. I asked my old restaurant to put me on the schedule and they did very kindly! However, I have been on the go every since the semester ended. I hadn't really let go since and I haven't gotten a chance to digest all the information that has been thrown at me. All I want to do is eat and drink. Anyway, on Saturday I volunteered to sing Christmas carols at a soup kitchen (that's for a different blog post,) and along side me I had one other gentleman caroler and we were accompanied by a medical resident. He was asking me what I "do," and when I told him I was in school for musical theater he asked me how that was going... I replied, "It's great but it's really tough and takes a lot of energy."
He laughed and said, "Oh, how hard can that be? All you guys do is sing and dance and stuff right?" I laughed gleefully in response as I reached over the table throwing any and all the food l could see at his face!

no, I didn't really do that, but I did stare him down without blinking as I lifted up my shirt reveling my six-pack abs- these didn't come over night buddy.

ok, ok, I didn't really do that either, and I don't really have six-pack abs. I might if I stopped eating all those tasty buffalo fingers. Anyway, that is besides the point. I just smiled and said actually it's a lot of work. It takes a lot to be an actor. I wish I could have shared this quote with him. It's a quote that my acting teacher gave us on our last day. I thought I would share it now with you guys and it'll be like I shared it with him:

Actors are some of the most driven, courageous people on the face of the earth. They deal with more day-to-day rejection in one year than most people do in a lifetime. Every day, actors face the financial challenge of living a freelance lifestyle, the disrespect of people who they should get "real" jobs, and their own fear that they'll never work again. Ever day they have to ignore the possibility that the vision to which they have dedicated their lives is a pipe dream. With every passing year, many of them watch as the other people their age achieve the predictable milestones of normal life-the car, the family, the house, the nest egg. But they stay true to their dream, in spite of sacrifices. Why? Because actors are willing to give their entire lives to a moment - to that line, that laugh, that gesture, or that interpretation that will stir the audience's soul. Actors are beings who have tasted life's nectar in that crystal moment when they poured out their creative spirit and touched another's heart. In that instant, they were as close to magic, God, and perfection as anyone could ever be. And in their own hearts, they know how to dedicate oneself to that moment is worth a thousand lifetimes. - David Ackert

There so take that Dr. :)

Just a little Raw

Everyday I go to school trying and praying to stay open and to do whatever it takes to just become the best singing, acting and dancing performer that I can be. It sounds completely after school special, but it's paralyzing to not know how to get what you want. I so badly want to be a professional performer with versatility, and there are some days where I just hit a wall. Today is one of those days.

The last two months since my last month we worked on a script analysis interp. We took a play as a class and analyzed the crap out of it and then put the show on it's feet for the entire conservatory faculty to see. The scene that I had was a climatic flight between the two best friends over a fiance. Thus, a lot of screaming was involved. So, when I received my feed back today from the teachers there was a lot of academic concern over how I use the instrument. "There's noway that she would be able to sustain that 8 shows a week." My voice and speech teacher spoke up and said, "where she is in her training - it's perfect and was absolutely ok." I know in their minds it's 2 and 1/2 months of training, but it my mind - where I'm coming from we are talking 10 years + 2 and a 1/2 months of training.

I'm frustrated. I shouldn't be here. I'm tossing my hands in the air and I'm saying I don't know how to do this correctly - please tell me how to do it. I know I'm doing it wrong, but how HOW do I fix it?

This leads me to belting.... it's a style of singing that I just can not do. The last time that I tried to belt - I lost my soprano voice. This is terrifying for me. I don't want to have to start all over again. I don't want to go back to square one. I don't know if my voice is in pain. I don't know if I'm singing correctly or with technique.

Part of the pain is working through the processes, and I already feel like I'm sacrificing so much to be here in this moment. Sometimes I have to feel like it's worth it.