Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Bye Bye Bye 2008 you were Great

One of the many benefits of documenting life online is being able to hold myself accountable for goals and "New Year Resolutions." They really should just be called January resolutions because throughout the year life gets in the way and changes things, but I'll remain positive. Let's look at the goals for 2008.

I'd like to blog/write more this year, and become more skilled at the art.

Ok. So I wrote more than 2007, but did it become a more skilled art? Perhaps? There is no measure. Am I happy with this goal? Sure. I feel accomplished in this goal. Do I want to continue to pursue this goal? Sure. I have a feeling that I'll be writing A LOT in the coming months.

I'd like to get at least half of my equity points this year.

I must have been drunk when I wrote this. Better yet, I must have been drunk when I THOUGHT this. Ok, so I DIDN'T get half my equity points, but I did perform in four shows this year, which is HALF of what I did last year, but I did get larger roles this year. All positive. Plus, one of the shows was in an equity house. So, I didn't get half of my points, but this goal is unrealistic! So, do I feel like I failed? Nah. Performing wise this year was extremely successful.

Perhaps get married and have a baby. - I'm so joking...

Uuuuummmm.... I'm really speechless. I can't believe that I wrote this. Well, that isn't entirely true because I'm sure I thought it, but I actually documented it? Then I said - just kidding (not really). I don't really have anything to say about this "goal" except it's lame. My time will come.

So, my 2008 goals WERE LAME! Ok, I should be nice and not judge, but c'mon. Let's get real here those goals that were documented were LAME. How about some real goals for 2009, but here is the tricky thing: I want to set my expectations high as long as I don't beat myself up if I do not "accomplish." I set these goals to motivate myself to encourage myself to be the best me I want to be. With that said, "failure", I welcome you, but I will do my absolute best.

2009 Goals.

1) Get a job in New York.
This is probably more of a Jan. goal, but it's the heaviest thing on my mind right now. Work and audition.

2) Get cast in a show.
This is also heavy in my mind. I'm performing a lot in the bay area, and it's hard to leave the work. I hope and pray for opportunities in NYC.

3) Dance.
I love to dance, but it hasn't come easy. The goal is to get into as many dance classes as possible and become a little more solid in my ability. I'm not terrible, but I need to be more solid.

4) Stay (sigh the obvious one) in Shape.
I did ok during the holidays, but I won't have a gym in NYC at first. I hope to find a safe running regiment to maintain. I'm not sure I will be able to motivate myself. My PT here was amazing. It's true, I was lying on the floor of the gym this morning. I'm not exaggerating I was lying on the floor wanting to die!

6) Maintain my relationships new and old.

7) I'd like to work on my ability to communicate and say what is on my mind. Ask for what I want.

8) Start playing the piano and guitar regularly again.

9) Design, code and launch my website.
I have been putting this off because it feels so narcissistic. I will do it this year.

That's enough right? If I have more, I'll post it.

I'm just glad that this is the first year in three years that I have not brought with me a cold! Thanks exercise and rest!

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

The Magic Number is 2

It’s a bleak day today. Thus, the wallowing shall commence in 3…2…1…


(sigh).** Every anticipated year-end is greeted with the hopes, goals and dreams for a much desired “Happy New Year.” Each time I think, this coming year is going to be so much better. It never does seem to be that much better. Sure, some years are far worse then others like my 2004 – that was a very tough year sans a silver lining. Yet, every other year always seems to have some silver lining: 2000, 20002, 2003, 2005, 2006, 2007. I left out 2001 because that was a great year, and I think it was the only year I though: may all years be this great. I did have some struggles to work out and get through in 2001, but the good far out weighed the negative in that year. Now it’s time to reflect on 2008, and the start of how the number 2 has become my nemesis.

/*Wallowing break:
I will say that the greatest thing that happened for me is that I discovered how supported I am, and I REMEMBERED the silver lining. Now I must focus on it. */

2 Things of 2008

1) I had 2 heartbreaks this year, and there is no pain like the pain from your “best friend.”
I detailed the demise of Pasha in my previous writings, and I was mum about my short captivating heart encounter and that is how it will remain. I will say that he is amazing in every way, and although the feeling of rejection erodes my heart today, I know that we have a sincere friendship that I will continue to value and cherish. Plus, he fulfilled a greater purpose in my life that I will write about when I’m ready.

Not only am I eating, living and breathing heartache at the moment, I’m surrounded by the happy 2somes that I am so blessed to have in my life. Then I stare into the faces of attractive, talented, smart, generous and amazing women wanting to be with their partner in crime, but it doesn’t seem to work out. It haunts me a little. Is that my destiny? Then I see many attractive, talented, smart, generous and amazing women that are extremely happy leading the bohemian single lifestyle. Is THAT my destiny?

The Silver Lining:
I am embarking on the greatest and most important relationship of all, and I’m getting to focus and spend time with myself. I’m constantly reminded of the amazing family and friends and out pours of support and love that so many people in this lifetime lack. I am so lucky. Again, I am so lucky.

2) I moved out of my San Francisco apartment.
The 2nd hardest thing I did this year for I loved that place. It marked a huge milestone for me in my life, and showed tremendous growth for I never thought I could live alone.

The Silver Lining:
I moved out of something great, so I can start building something greater in New York. Something ELSE I never thought I could do which is just another example demonstrating my personal growth. I am moving forward in my life. I am.

These are my heaviest 2 personal tragedies of 2008. Of course I’m leaving out the fact that I was laid off from my job, that there were TWO emotional unexpected deaths, and a bunch of other unfortunate tragedies in 2008, but of course I was going to leave my job anyway and death is a reality I had been lucky enough to only really experience now.

I can’t leave the 2008 conversation without the Yang to the Yin. I must document the 2 greatest events of 2008.

1) Performing.
I performed in an equity house this year, and I got to play Maria in West Side Story (only the greatest role of all time.) Gee, how lucky am I?

2) New York.
I decided to make the move. I’ve talked about this at nauseam. I really can’t say much more about it until I step off the diving board. I’m at the edge now. I’m looking at the water.

Although 2009 is starting off with reminiscent heartache, a genuine fear of the unknown and the desperate plea for a better year, I do remain hopeful and positive. I KNOW there are so many people out in the world that are less fortunate than I. I am so LUCKY to be so blessed. I am grateful that I can remember to think of these things during this transitional period in my life. I just hope that I can remember this mantra through January 10th.

**Every good wallow begins with a sigh.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Sunday Part 2

It’s the second to last Sunday here in Mountain View!! In 13 days I will be somewhere in Arizona.

I’m sitting here in front of the television wearing my wool cashmere sweater and a purple scarf wrapped around my neck watching the movie/show that inspired it all! The four girls that I watched many hours over while debating whether or not I should move to NYC. The four girls that gave me the courage to pack up my bags in San Francisco and move! When I decided finally to move to New York, I watched many hours of this show to remind myself that I will have a blast despite the wretched turmoil that these four girls went through with love, men and work! Granted, they had each other, and my close network of friends will be strewn across California. It’s ok – that is what the Internet is for, and the telephone does wonders. Who knows what is in store for me, but I am starting to get extremely excited about the move. I am still terrified, but the excitement is taking over.

I spent this weekend looking for a winter coat! I went to Macy’s, Bloomingdales, Nordstrom and Burlington Coat Factory. Each store was covered with winter coats on sale. Macy’s even had a whole floor just for coats! I thought for sure that I would find at least ONE coat that was my size! Alas, I was incorrect. I did not find a coat in my size and I went to the stores at Valley Fair and the stores in San Francisco! I am a 4! A 4!!!!!! Is that really difficult to find? Yes. It is. There were only three 6’s in the entire store, and believe me I searched those stores like I was in ROSS! I suppose that I don’t have any choices left except to just wait until I get to New York. So, I finally buckled down and bought this down jacket that isn’t exactly CUTE, but at least I will be warm. I will be warm, and when I can get there I can look for a cute warm wool coat!

Getting Married Twice

Today is mother's second 49th Birthday, and last year I wrote about how she is so amazing.

This year - I'm going to write about how my Dad got down on his knee and proposed to her again! After twenty-seven years of being married and thirty-two years of being together, my Dad tells my Mom that he cannot breathe without her. That the thought of being without her seems impossible! Everyone around in the family was bawling their eyes out including both my parents, and I only wish that I could have been there to experience the joyous occasion.

It's just a reminder for me.

There are good men out there, and one will find me. I can't wait to meet him.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Merry Christmas

Sister: Are you really cooking in your stilettos?

Me: Yes. I'm so 1950s

Sister: Yeah, seriously.

Me: Ummm coming from the girl who is sewing a hat for her Boyfriend.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Ok Getting Closer.

It’s true. I have not updated in a long time, but do you want to know how long and drawn out and how sad things have been as I struggle through the transition of this move?

My last post is still true, but this time I’m watching my life wind down quickly and quietly here in the Bay Area.

Do I Hear A Waltz closed this past Saturday, and my heart grew heavy with goodbyes because it marked the start of all my goodbyes. My friends are trying to squeeze time in for me with the holidays, and each time we see each other there is this tinge of – will this be the last time? I am aware that this move doesn’t have to be forever, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I keep reminding myself that even if I stayed things would be different. I’m looking at the people around me and seeing how their lives are moving forward, growing, changing and it would still be happening even if I was staying here. It is hard to leave comfort for the unknown, and I am finding the courage within myself that I didn’t even know I had. I keep saying over and over and over – if it doesn’t work out, just come home.

Even with that said, I’m feeling like a misfit. I still don’t really have a place. This bouncing around and lack of nesting is making me feel a little “I don’t belong.” I have faith that soon enough everything will fall into place, but the months of dragging on and leading up to this move has been painful. While I’d like to say that I wouldn’t do it again, so many great great great things happened in these past few months that never would have happened if I had left. For that I am grateful, and I am so glad that I stayed despite the fact I feel like I’m dragging my heels.

The Christmas show I worked on simultaneously with Waltz presented a very touching moment in my career. It was great to work with the kids, but also great to work with an amazing director and other amazing acting adults who shared their wisdom in living and experiencing NYC. I also got some great contacts that I will follow up on.

I put in my last invoice yesterday, and a coworker of mine gave me the 2nd Lil’ Wayne cd. It was very touching because I think we’ve had one conversation about how I like Lil’ Wayne, but maybe the fact that I do is so jarring to someone it is hard to forget! The last few days here at work have been great. We’re wrapping up the web project, well, phase 1 at least. So, now I’ve been asked to sing in a video for the company, and it’s been a lot of fun. I’m getting paid to sing!

I’m still trying to figure out what type of job I need to get in New York, but that is going to take some time to figure out. I think I need to spend more time with the people and with the scene.

Ok. That’s it for now.
Merry Christmas.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Almost 2009

Aw, I haven’t updated in a while, but I needed a break from my crazy.

Ok. Fine. I have a small chance from escaping all my crazy, but I needed a break from my larger crazy that consumes my heart, my soul and my spirit. It has truly been a long time since I have felt so stoic, cold, empathetic and just a walking contradiction. At times I’m filled with an outpour of emotion, and other times – I’m emotionally numb. Believe you me - these are not my darkest days. I’m working through it and I am not alone. My spirit is filled with hope despite the whisperings of fear, despair and aloneness. I know that I am not alone, and that this is just part of my path. I have found peace in knowing that this is just part of my plan.

The show is wonderful. I have loved every single moment that I have had spending time with the cast, the music and Jennifer. She brings lightness to me that I have been craving, and I love it. I get a chance to wallow in her stupidity, ignorance, vein spirit and tragic soul! I love it. Love it love it love it! Three more weeks of that show, and then it’s over. I have been dreading that a little bit.

I’m also working on the Christmas show. It’s great. It’s wonderful. We’re going up next week, and I still have some memorizing to do, but I will be ok. I’m not too worried about it. Tonight we get to meet the kids, and I’m looking forward to it!

I cannot believe that today is December 2nd. What a year, and the start of 2009 will be fantastic!! Just 39 more days until I leave!!