Monday, November 24, 2008

48 More Days.

The last few days really have given me the opportunity to reflect on what my life is going to be like in NYC. Since my show is open, and the Christmas show is right around the corner, plus - my friends are all moving forward and making their January 2009 plans.

My plans are stagnant.

Plain and simple: I have no plans right now except move to New York - in the dead of winter. I repeated over to myself a million times on Saturday night: it's going to be fine. I'm going to be fine. Everything is going to be fine.

I think I almost convinced myself.

Right now I feel sheer terror, and watching the days on the calendar dwindle closer and closer towards January 10th. It's a day that I have longed for since August when I made the decision to go, but now that it approaches so quickly, I'm freaking out! My life is here in California with perfect weather.

I need guidance.
I'm confused.

I promise not to post false things about my experience. I won't sugar coat , and I will dive in whole heartily with hope and determination. I will forgo my pride if things do not work out. If I find that I am happier here then I am there, I will come home. At the very very least I tried, and many of you who know me, know I will not not easily give up.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Time Management

I need need need to practice my time management skills.

I have to do a good blog everyday. Fail.

I have to get on the move for New York and bang out some details. Fail.

I have to finish a website that I've been dragging my heels on. FAIL!!!!!! - This one is causing me the largest amount of stress right now, but I'll manage. I am resolving this moment to stop being lazy and get on it.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

So Busy

I'm not sure why today has been so busy!

I just have been doing all these errands and getting ready for the show. I haven't forgotten about you, and I'm sorry my posts are so lame. Rest assure - I am doing my best.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Very Tired

I cannot write tonight because I am so tired.

Please forgive me, but I'll leave you with this I am going to Oakland to see him.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Sooooo Good to be Back

My mind should not be idle.
I should always be in a show.
I should always be surrounded by people.

At least for right now.

Being back with the cast was so wonderful. Seeing the emails fly back and forth about how I am not very much fun at parties and how I should "Drink what the lady is serving" made my day! I knew it was going to be a good show.

Sure enough, it was a great show. I mean sure, I had a little phlegm in the back of my throat that I should have cleared out, but eh. It was fine! At the end of "Moon in my Window" some one verbally said that was beautiful! So, that made me feel good, and they didn't start clapping through the acappella part. Thus, they must hear me. It's such a low song in my register. However, let me tell you the funniest part about tonight.

We are all alcoholics in the show, and I think that I have mentioned that before. However, there is this one party scene where we are all together laughing and drinking even with the little 12 year old gondola boy. The mistress of the house pours him a little spot of campari which is supposed to be ice tea! However!!!!!! Oh however!!!!! She doesn't know that the campari she has poured for the young boy is NOT tea! It is campari!

I really should not be laughing about this, and truly it makes me not want my children to be in theatre because they grow fast surrounded by so many adults in their spare time! They will be watching Dumbo until they are 12! They will be little angels and baking cookies with their mother! Not drinking campari with a cast filled with adults!

I'm just glad to be back in the comforts of theatre makes me feel less crazy.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Do Not Be Crazy

I learned a very important lesson this week: don’t be crazy.

It seems simple to some, but a lesson that I keep learning repeatedly to my misfortune.

My sometimes-obsessive nature is causing me to dig, discover and read things that are detrimental to my self-esteem. Granted, nothing should really cause such a significant impact on my self worth, and believe me, I’m working on it, but I did not realize I would be so affected until it was too late.

I’m really concerned about my reaction on more than one level. First and foremost, my poor self-confidence! WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?! I even started rereading some of my old journals and old life documentation on this blog and myself dismayed me. I could not believe some of the predicaments I have put myself through and accepted as natural and normal. Tis a shame, but I can assure you – I’m well aware of the issue, and I am working on it.

I started running and working out again! I have a new gym through my company, and they offer PT program that I am going to take advantage of while I am here. Yesterday I ran in the dark which was NOT a good idea. Running in San Francisco versus suburbia life is MUCH different. First of all, San Francisco is bright. Light is everywhere in San Francisco, but not in Los Altos. I could hardly see in front of me, and I felt nervous to be on the street at 7pm. Thus, my run did not last very long, but I did wake up and feel much better.

Being in this state of transition is not helping either. Listening to all my friends audition for tons of shows around here and nurturing my new and old strong friendships is causing severe pull on the heartstrings as I near the date to leave for New York.

I’m just taking a deep breath in and accepting that “this stuff” is out of my hands. I’m doing my very best in working towards being the person I want to and am meant to be, and everything will fall into the right place. I have already seen it start to happen. Stressing about things that are out of my control is just another detrimental testimony to my crazy. Again, I’m aware, and I’m making the conscious choices to fight against that instinct, but it’s difficult.

I’m surrounded by love and I’m focusing on all that right now.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

My Old Friends

Here I am with my favorite friends: House, Heroes and The Office.

I'm happy.

Sure. I would much rather be with my friends hanging out, but this is ok. I like hanging out with my old friends.

I will say, however, that I don't really understand how the show that keeps doing the same thing over and over and over and over again. I mean House is right EVERY TIME! EVERY TIME!! Yet his boss doubts him EVERY TIME.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Another Fantastic Weekend... coming to an end this wonderful Sunday evening.

The weekend of shows was great and spending time with my loved ones was even better. I'm a little disappointed that I didn't get to spend some more time with a friend of mine who was having a birthday this weekend, but that is ok because I will make up to him next week as soon as my dog duty days are over!

I had friends come see the show tonight and yesterday night! That was great! I loved being able to finally talk about and process the show! It was just an all around good weekend.

This week is going to be extremely busy. I have to start working on creating a website, and I am determined to get it done before Thanksgiving. i truly should have had it done much sooner, but one gets lazy. I am getting lazy. I need to get on it.

Now that I have a lot more free time, I can get it done.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

What's the Line Again?

Argh!!! The second weekend of Waltz is not going as fantastically as I would like to report! I'm a hot mess on stage right now and my definition of hot should not be repeated incase people are eating breakfast while reading this post.

My husband got a sinus infection and we had to cut a song the night before last, and I miss his strength in all of the group songs. It's throwing me because last night I dropped a line "Grazie" and then THEN I sang the wrong line in one of the group songs. It didn't rhyme with F's line. It stuck out like a sore thumb! The funny part about - well, I can say it's funny now, even though, it was not funny at the time was that I didn't even say my line!! I said one of my husband's lines! I mean I got off stage and I said, "Please someone help me. I seem to have misplaced my brain."

Beverley. Get. It. Together.

It's really embarrassing. I don't want people to come to this show knowing that I can't get it together.

On another note, I've told you that audiences don't like me right? SO strange to get used to! I'm not saying that I should be loved and adored by all, but when I read the character off the page, I did not find her to be unlikeable. Who hates the dumb people?
I guess she is a little stuck up and highly aggravating, but not likable? I mean we should pity her the poor girl! I mean really!!!!! It's ok. I have really loved working on this production. The talented people in this show motivate me to do a better job.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Walk = Action = Change

Who gets kicked out of a Hanson concert? Well, I didn’t know it was possible till the concert on Wednesday.

The path, the road and the journey for Hanson has been an admirable and remarkable experience for the brothers, and I’m not just saying that because I’m completely and utterly enthralled with their music. Alas, I might be a little a bit biased but their effort is undeniable.

After their world-wide sweep in 1997, progressing as artists became extremely difficult because of the record company control. So after producing their 2nd album, Hanson invested in their talent, in their ability and in blind faith started their own record company producing their 3rd album. The upward struggle rang through in every song they produced on “Underneath,” which only came to audience ears after writing over 84 songs for this record that had been shot down by the Tyrant.

Then Hanson went to South Africa and spent time with women and children suffering from HIV and became to determined to make a difference – a contribution to the fight with any and all means necessary including 99c from itunes donated. Shoes donated. Walking one mile in every city during a tour to motivate people from all over the nation to make a difference! This is an extremely passionate subject for the band, and I am continued to be in awe of my favorite band. For them it’s always been about the music. Music changing lives. Music that speaks to people. Music that makes a difference.

So, Hanson’s talking about their journey and their fight to make a difference. It’s quiet in the small venue, and someone screams out, “EFFING PLAY MMMBOP.”

Calmly Taylor replies, “Security can you please escort him out.”

Issac says, “Please get your money back.”

Sure enough this guy walks out escorted by security, and Taylor continues to discuss the prevention of small coffins being built in Africa.

C’mon kid – would you make a joke at a funeral?

Truly, it was ridiculous.

Yes, Hanson did play Mmmbop and they were fantastic! The whole concert was fantastic, and for the finale they sang a complicated three part harmony at the end perfectly!!!!!!! Oh, they are so amazing in all respects.

Check out their impressive and generous fight for such an important cause. Take The Walk

Thursday, November 13, 2008

The Show.

Tonight we had a show. My poor "husband" has a sinus infection and lost his voice. So we had to cut song, and our song we struggled through! It was a tough night.

I still have not washed my face and I have not told you about the Hanson concert.


Wednesday, November 12, 2008


I'm so excited for the Hanson concert tonight. Except - I still can't find the cd. Maybe I'll re-buy it tonight.

Every time I go to a concert it's always a little bitter sweet for me because I have to wonder - is this going to be the last one? Is it? Then my heart secretly breaks and I can feel the tears well up and I have to remind myself not to anticipate the negative.

Stay in the now. Stay in today. Enjoy.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Back on Track

Each day things get just a bit easier, but today the holiday party invite that I had to No RSVP for was hard. It set me back, but it's ok. I cried, and feel better.

On the flip side, I talked to my New York roommate today, and yes things are still rolling with the move and I am extremely excited. While I was in Hawaii, we discovered that we got the apartment in Washington Heights! Of course, the money had to be wired the day before we got it essentially, and I was in Hawaii with no access to any bank or internet. I'm surprised Hawaii has running water.

So, the plan thus far, is to drive the car across country spend some time with my family in January, and my plane ticket is bought from Tampa, Florida to New York, New York on Monday January 19th.

It's been hard to be in this transition period for so long considering now that all my friends are looking for new shows to audition for and talking about their amazing callbacks. I am just sitting. waiting. anticipating. a future that is just right around the corner. Just get me through the holidays.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

I can not find my Hanson Cd.

So the whole world has stopped, and I can feel the tears starting to flow down my face.

Yes, I tried itunes. No, it's not there.
itunes - we're fighting.

UGH. It's really hard to focus on anything else except for the fact that I can't find my cd of my favorite band's 10th year anniversary album. Inside I am secretly loathing the fact I bought this lame apple computer and had to switch over my itunes because I'm only figuring out what I lost the hard way!

I'm sitting here at 3:33 pm on a Saturday not working, not rehearsing, and just relaxing. The laundry is going, and I'm trying t figure out what I'm going to wear tonight. :) I have some big plans.

Ok my dear friend called. I'm going to talk to her.

Friday, November 7, 2008

We Open Tonight

And I'm feeling SAD!

This will be my last opening night in the bay area for a while. I hope it won't be my last opening night forever.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

I'm Not An Overweight Hooker

I played wii fit for the first time last night, and I stopped playing feeling very bad about myself. I've since then signed up for the gym, and gotten a personal trainer. I haven't done any of that - except sign up for the gym, and that was before I played wii fit.

I did, however, walk into Walgreens this morning at 7:00am because I had a few things I needed to pick up. We're opening the show tomorrow and I am wearing a blonde wig. Thus, my mission - grab the essentials. I get the mascara, the fake eyelashes, the blonde poppy pins, the wig pins, ask about a wig cap, and finish off with my birth control pills. Once the cashier throughly finished giving me the evil eye, he promptly reminded me that Halloween is over, and that this is not the Walgreens down on polk street. Smiling I said, "I'm in a Show. He replied, "Again, spare me the details."

Who cares if that conversation was in both of our heads! I know it happened

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

I'm Sad California.

I've been mum on religion and politics because it really torments me. I have really strong opinions on what I believe to be right, and I'm well aware that my morality is based in Christianity. Yet, I have to say this because it's eating me up inside.

I have to believe that at the end of the day we all want the same thing: peace, love, respect and equality.

I have read many articles apposing Prop 8 and in support of Prop 8, and I've seen and heard the hateful mantras and actions coming from both sides and it sickens me. I'm watching relationships deteriorate before my eyes based on these differences, and it's taking everything in me to remain as open minded as possible, but please explain to me California why Prop 8 passed?

I don't understand.

I'm thrilled to see that our nation is ready for a radical change, but outraged to see that we can not look past our differences and see what is right for our fellow human beings.

It tears me up watching my friends fight an uphill battle towards a fundamental freedom, and I hope and pray that one day we will all stand together in acceptance.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

The Right to Vote

Since I've moved, my polls are now an hour away. I felt my cell phone alarm go off, and I thought I need the extra hour of sleep. I shut it off to try and go back to sleep.

I tossed and turned for ten minutes thinking about how voting is a privilege and how I owe it to my nation, my friends and myself to vote.

I forgo my shower and race to the polls only to stand in line for about 40 minutes, but I sat down at that station and cast my ballad. I walked away feeling rather emotional about this election because it's so important to so many people that I know and love dearly. This election will go down in history, and I have pride knowing my part in the movement towards equality. My part in the movement towards a better nation for my friends and for my family.

I'm sitting here in knots thinking about how the polls are going to sway. Is our nation really ready for the necessary change? One can only hope, and I believe.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Death by Tempo

We have one more rehearsal before our invited dress rehearsal and nothing is going right. I have not worked with all seven of my costume changes, my shoes aren't re-heeled, I left them at thee theatre and the worst thing happened tonight:

At the beginning of Act 2, I am left sitting on the stage waiting for my husband's return. I start this beautiful trio ballad with the first three versus. Tonight also happened to be the first night with the orchestra. I take a deep breath after singing the first verse and incomes dust from that felt like it was left over from the set build. The dust is settling nicely in my throat and I can not breathe to save my life. I am desperately trying to cough as I'm choking out the song lyrics. There. is. no. way. " Moon in my oh-my-I-can-not-breathe." Its just happening, and I'm the only one on stage singing. I had to stop the whole performance, and choke to death on stage. Luckily, the entire cast came to my rescue swarming me with cups filled with water. Glad this is a drinking show and there is tons of liquid all around including water (playing vodka) and tea (playing whiskey). Still I could barely breathe and it didn't come back as fast as I would have liked. That has never happened to me in all my years of performing. Never. Not Once. Its one thing to get lost in a song or have other actors save you, but being the only one on stage with no rescue in sight. Terrifying. I opened my mouth to sing, and all I could thing was please let me breathe.

I felt the dust go into my windpipe and it is still lodged inside my throat.

How many times do I have to learn the same lesson? Do not breathe and swallow at the same time.

Sunday, November 2, 2008


Tech rehearsal is sooooo long! Especially on a night like tonight where I'm running on a few hours of welcomed interrupted sleep, and a christmas show rehearsal right before the dreary hours of tech.

This is going to be a great show! I can't wait for all to come and see.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Do I Hear a Break?

Is it true? Did I really sleep for 10 hours last night? Am I really getting two days off from my hectic rehearsal schedule and life?
I guess not really. I have two huge projects that I should be working on, and trying to wrap m brain around. Yet, I really need a break. I just need to take a moment and breathe and suck in the wonderful idea that I will not be working on any websites. I will not be rehearsing. I will not be driving around. I'm just going to take a big deep breath, and enjoy this wintery rainy day - and take in fall.

Rehearsal for Waltz has been spectacular. I know I haven't really said much about the process mostly because it has been so short, and because with the week off for Hawaii, all my energy has been focuses towards the production. The theatre is only 99 seat house, we have no mics, the sets are looking great, and most of all, the cast is so incredibly talented. It's such a pleasure and an honor to share the stage with these folks. Their talent and dedication has really inspired my creative talent. For one, I want to do a really good job to match their choices. Two, I've always felt like I've lacked creative-ness that I behave more like a monkey. Just do whatever you're told. This cast has really let my creative brain get worked, and I've actually come up with a lot of funny one liners - at least subconsciously. It's a real treat to play the dumb blonde trophy wife - character part for a change. Granted, I'll never trade my love sick, in turmoil and with character arch characters. Yet, after Maria and after Kim, this is a nice break.