Meet the Summer 2012 Practicum Students!

Showcase is coming up and I'm so excited, nervous, anxious......

Mostly, I can't wait for my friends and family to see it. I think it's a great complication of all the work we have put into our craft over the years.

For the most part, rehearsals have been very individual. We go in for 30 minutes and rehearse our song, and then we go home. We also go in for an hour and rehearse our group numbers, but we haven't gotten to see the work that our fellow actors have been doing. So, on Saturday when we did a stumble through I was blown away with by my friends. Usually, we get to watch and see the process, but not this time. I learn so much watching someone else's process, but getting to see my friends do their thing is so inspiring. It goes by so fast, and it's awesome.

The public performances are:
Saturday, September 8th 7pm
Sunday, September 9th 3pm and 7pm
Tuesday, September 11th 7pm

Tickets
$10 in advance and $15 at the door
all funds benefit the practicum fundraising goals.

Last Day of CAP21 Classes

It's such a weird time/sensation. At the end of last semester after we finished Children of Eden we did a graduation because technically the two-year conservatory program technically finished. However, it never felt like the end of school because I knew that I had practicum in the summer and then showcase. I thought that the class portion of the practicum was going to be similar to the classes taken in the conservatory that it wouldn't feel like I had graduated. In someways it didn't feel like I had graduated, but in a lot of ways it did.

The classes in practicum were very different than the classes we took in the conservatory program. They were geared to working on the audition songs for the casting directors and agents and then working on the callback material that was given to us. The mock auditions didn't feel like class - they felt like they were real. While the room is always set up to be a safe learning environment, I still know that the person I'm singing for right now casts eleven Broadway shows.

Anyway, today was the last day of the home classes in the practicum and we have one more mock audition for an agent. Then we go into rehearsals for showcase. I got to class feeling like I had breezed over graduation so much so that nothing was going to feel like a real ending. I suppose when a lot of my friends and family come out to see the showcase, THAT will feel like a real ending, but our vocal performance teacher gave us a few parting/inspiring words to help remind me that this is the end of an era.

Surround ourselves with the people that will go to auditions even when we don't want to. Find away to push through the sludge and go. There are definitely days that I'm not going to want to go to auditions, but I have to muster my energy and do what I love to do.

First Showcase Rehearsal

It's so interesting that I posted about working out and food tips yesterday because we started showcase rehearsals yesterday and everywhere there are conversations about different diets and workout plans. I'm glad I started working towards being in my personal best shape early because so far things are going well, and I have six more weeks to get rid of what Jillian Michaels calls vanity pounds. Hello August, you came very quickly.

Our showcase will run for about one hour. We will open with all twenty of us singing an opening number. Then we each get to sing our chosen solo song. We are also broken up into five groups of four and we get to sing a second number with our group, and then the whole company will close the show with another amazing number.

Last night we started working our opening and closing numbers. They are gorgeous and so beautifully arranged. Our musical director, Joel Waggoner, is incredibly talented and I think the songs are going to sound spetacular. These songs are definitely known songs, but the way they are arranged with new exciting harmonies will blow your mind. It's a very exciting time, and I'm hesitating to say what the songs are because I'm not sure if it's going to ruin the suspense/surprise or whatever.  I'll write about it in six weeks after it's over!

The music rehearsal yesterday did start to remind of me Children of Eden rehearsals from last semester which happened to be a very dark time for me. I'm doing my very best to keep an open mind and just let that experience go. It's in the past and it should stay in the past, but I'm so excited to showcase that it's overriding any of my lingering dark sentiments from Eden. I also have to remember that Eden was cast in Janurary. That is seven months ago - it's a whole different ballgame right now, and I'm ready to play ball.

Power of Practice

Yesterday was my last CAP21 scheduled vocal coaching. I left feeling all the hope I felt right when I first arrived in New York City 3.5 years ago. Hope for a new life and a new career in musical theater. I used to day dream about what it would be like to work as a professional, and back then I didn't know which way was up in this industry. I remember one of my first events out in NYC was with my roommate, at the time, and one of her best friends from highschool. They took me to this awesome concert of an up and coming composer, and I was completely overwhelmed by the wealth of knowledge these ladies had about the NYC theater scene. Then my first couple of auditions were filled with anticipation, excitement and real hope for a chance to perform professionally. Soon I began to feel bogged down by the sea of people with the same aspirations as me, pressures of the restaurant and the endless waiting around in those tiny rooms and halls. It got harder and harder to wake up in the morning and hope quickly turned to despair and I knew that I didn't have the tools to become stronger.

It led me to school.

Two years later I feel revived again and ready to take on the theater world. I have the necessary tools now to feel as prepared as possible. I've learned so much about the industry here in NYC and I no longer feel overwhelmed. I feel like I have a process now to help prepare me. Yet, I still feel discouraged at times because I want results faster based on my practice methods. I practice all the time. I listen to my voice lessons, record the exercises in my journal and practice them everyday. My awesome awesome awesome voice teacher from school sent me this article called How Many Hours a Day Should You Practice?   I'm trying to heed the advice in this article. Practice specifically and focused for a certain amount of time. Eventually, I'll just wake up and my technique will just be there for me. I know it's true now, but I want it to be sharper and more readily available.

Last Monday I went to my first audition in a very very very long time. I felt at ease, practiced and ready. I hope now most of all I have the confidence to continue to believe in myself and feel hopeful. I want the tools to combat the feelings of despair and rejection. Auditioning can be demoralizing but it doesn't have to be debilitating. Practice makes permanent.

Revamp

Thought it was time to revamp the blog. I got the inspiration for the new title from Stephen Sondheim and the logo inspiration from a tattoo I saw on a fellow cap's foot. Since I'm on vocal rest, I thought it would be a perfect time.

Since I've been back from Rome, we've gotten back into the full swing at school. We've started working on the Sondheim project. It's been a very very difficult time for me. There's been A LOT of singing and learning music quickly. So, my voice has started to give out a little bit which is why I'm on vocal rest now. Last week I had serious melt downs about the process because I've been told at nauseam that the voice goes when you're using it incorrectly. In our circumstances these days it's hard to tell the difference between using incorrectly or just being vocal fatigued. It's hard to tell the difference. I'm in process. I'm working it through it.

Anyway, I'm working on an update from Rome... I'll post that tomorrow.

The Past Few Months

Has time really gotten that far away from me?

It's true it really has. After the winter break and the second semester started I literally went 2 months without seeing my New York friends -never mind catching up with my friends and family in Florida and California. However, spring break is approaching soon and classes are slowing down and morphing into more rehearsals. It sounds torturous, but it's much better. The first part of the semester included classes and tons of rehearsals. Thursdays I'd leave the apartment at 8am and I wouldn't walk in until 10pm. It's brutal.

The schedule is brutal and so is the material, but I'm going to leave that for another post.

I spent the winter break finalizing a lot of the wedding details which put me in a much calmer place about the event. We've booked the location, the food, the dj, the photographer, the florist, the church, got all the bridesmaids dresses, and bought my wedding dress. Not too shabby for only three weeks of a winter break. I felt pretty good about where we were in the processes until I looked at the checklist which is literally 4 pages long aaaaaaand I checked off 5 items. (sigh) We have the big stuff pretty much under control - but the devil is in the details, right? At least there is enough done that I don't have to think about it until May when I'm done with school.

I guess that's a quick enough update. Oh! I'm leaving for Rome tomorrow! Yes, Rome Italy. I'm looking forward to the much needed relaxing vacation time. I intend to post my traveling updates here, and include some awesome photos.

Acting Year End

Picture this: 11am on a Monday morning, 10 degrees outside-but the window's open, my hair's knotted up in one big dread lock, a belly filled with french fries -burgers - buffalo fingers - pickle chips - and a salad with no dressing (wanted to save on calories), an empty coffee cup from yesterday trying to be filled by a willful gaze and most importantly an empty room with a giant soap box that I'm about to step on. Ok, ready?


It's my first real day off since the end of my 1st semester at Cap. I asked my old restaurant to put me on the schedule and they did very kindly! However, I have been on the go every since the semester ended. I hadn't really let go since and I haven't gotten a chance to digest all the information that has been thrown at me. All I want to do is eat and drink. Anyway, on Saturday I volunteered to sing Christmas carols at a soup kitchen (that's for a different blog post,) and along side me I had one other gentleman caroler and we were accompanied by a medical resident. He was asking me what I "do," and when I told him I was in school for musical theater he asked me how that was going... I replied, "It's great but it's really tough and takes a lot of energy."
He laughed and said, "Oh, how hard can that be? All you guys do is sing and dance and stuff right?" I laughed gleefully in response as I reached over the table throwing any and all the food l could see at his face!

no, I didn't really do that, but I did stare him down without blinking as I lifted up my shirt reveling my six-pack abs- these didn't come over night buddy.

ok, ok, I didn't really do that either, and I don't really have six-pack abs. I might if I stopped eating all those tasty buffalo fingers. Anyway, that is besides the point. I just smiled and said actually it's a lot of work. It takes a lot to be an actor. I wish I could have shared this quote with him. It's a quote that my acting teacher gave us on our last day. I thought I would share it now with you guys and it'll be like I shared it with him:

Actors are some of the most driven, courageous people on the face of the earth. They deal with more day-to-day rejection in one year than most people do in a lifetime. Every day, actors face the financial challenge of living a freelance lifestyle, the disrespect of people who they should get "real" jobs, and their own fear that they'll never work again. Ever day they have to ignore the possibility that the vision to which they have dedicated their lives is a pipe dream. With every passing year, many of them watch as the other people their age achieve the predictable milestones of normal life-the car, the family, the house, the nest egg. But they stay true to their dream, in spite of sacrifices. Why? Because actors are willing to give their entire lives to a moment - to that line, that laugh, that gesture, or that interpretation that will stir the audience's soul. Actors are beings who have tasted life's nectar in that crystal moment when they poured out their creative spirit and touched another's heart. In that instant, they were as close to magic, God, and perfection as anyone could ever be. And in their own hearts, they know how to dedicate oneself to that moment is worth a thousand lifetimes. - David Ackert

There so take that Dr. :)

Just a little Raw

Everyday I go to school trying and praying to stay open and to do whatever it takes to just become the best singing, acting and dancing performer that I can be. It sounds completely after school special, but it's paralyzing to not know how to get what you want. I so badly want to be a professional performer with versatility, and there are some days where I just hit a wall. Today is one of those days.

The last two months since my last month we worked on a script analysis interp. We took a play as a class and analyzed the crap out of it and then put the show on it's feet for the entire conservatory faculty to see. The scene that I had was a climatic flight between the two best friends over a fiance. Thus, a lot of screaming was involved. So, when I received my feed back today from the teachers there was a lot of academic concern over how I use the instrument. "There's noway that she would be able to sustain that 8 shows a week." My voice and speech teacher spoke up and said, "where she is in her training - it's perfect and was absolutely ok." I know in their minds it's 2 and 1/2 months of training, but it my mind - where I'm coming from we are talking 10 years + 2 and a 1/2 months of training.

I'm frustrated. I shouldn't be here. I'm tossing my hands in the air and I'm saying I don't know how to do this correctly - please tell me how to do it. I know I'm doing it wrong, but how HOW do I fix it?

This leads me to belting.... it's a style of singing that I just can not do. The last time that I tried to belt - I lost my soprano voice. This is terrifying for me. I don't want to have to start all over again. I don't want to go back to square one. I don't know if my voice is in pain. I don't know if I'm singing correctly or with technique.

Part of the pain is working through the processes, and I already feel like I'm sacrificing so much to be here in this moment. Sometimes I have to feel like it's worth it.

Week 5?

I can't believe it's already October 2nd! Time is flying so fast and I have already been in school for 5 weeks! I think? Has it been 6? I'm losing track of time aaaaaand my mind!

This week my butt got kicked in many many many different ways.

We had this acting exercise called the Physical Score. We got this sheet that said Beginning Middle and End. In each of the sections we had a list. In the beginning sections we had to pick one way of entering/beginning the piece. So our choices were as follows: 1) Enter as if you're coming in from the snow or heavy rain. 2)Enter as if you just ran 6 flights of stairs or just ran a mile. 3)Enter as if you cut yourself...etc. Then in the middle section we had to pick six of the actions on the list like: you have a runny nose, yawn, there is a mosquito that just bit you etc. Then at the end we had to pick one action to end the piece ie: you absolutely don't want to leave or you're late for an audition. The point is to basically present natural human behavior. We had to write out every little detail and nuance of what we did. Then we gave it to our acting teacher and presented the piece in the exact same order we wrote it down. DO YOU KNOW HOW FREAKING HARD THAT IS?!?!?!?!? Get up in front of your class for three minutes and do nothing exactly the same way....reeeeeeeaaaady go! By doing nothing I mean do the stuff that everyone does naturally without thinking about it, but don't present or show or perform these natural mundane actions. DO IT. You know what I mean? Don't show the class that you're smelling something completely rank... smell something completely rank. It sounds so easy, but it's really not. It's really hard. Do you get dressed to leave your house in the morning THE EXACT SAME WAY every day? To ever last minute detail like - I go to leave I pick up my keys first, then my ipod, and then my wallet. Now do it again in the same order over and over and over. I hadn't even really thought about how I get dressed in the morning - I just know I have to leave the house and I can't be naked. The end. Thought over. Being a good actor is so much harder than people think.

Anyway, doing these "nothing" types of exercises makes me crazy. Even in my normal state I'm not normal. Yes, I am the type of person that screams Eminem lyrics as loud as I possibly can as I'm entering my apartment building and apartment. If I did that in my presentation, I would be showing... Ugh. Then I have aaaaaaalllllll this undergrad crap that just pours into me and all of my old insecure feelings paralyze me with fear! I had this awful relationship with the head of my undergrad program because basically I'm physco. I don't blame the head of my department for our awful relationship because I couldn't take in what I was supposed to be learning. I am a neurotic perfectionist that was always looking for the mathematical way of being a perfect actor. I wouldn't make an artistic decision because I was always afraid of being wrong. So, every question he'd ask me was answered by another question I asked. Right? I'm irritating. So, him and I created a very detrimental learning environment for me in my undergrad years. I constantly was feeling bad about myself and trying to please him instead of trying to be a good actor. All these crappy old feelings come back and I'm scared to get up there. Again, it's another fine/grey line about studying acting. You definitely want to show that you have put work and rehearsal into whatever you're presenting, and while a bad choice is better than no choice, you still don't want to make the wrong choice!

A break through for me: I had a very successful Physical Score. :) I actually did nothing pretty well. What an awesome feeling... and a large deep sigh of relief.... I felt a little awkward and bad for my classmates who felt like they were not as successful. ( I argued and thought that everyone did a great job.) I also felt a little awkward and the need to explain why I get so uncomfortably nervous. I'm not trying to hussle my class or set the expectation low and then exceed the low expectation I set... I really have these crappy crappy feelings from undergrad that I'm trying to work through. After all, it's been 10 freaking years since I started college. I better be a better actor than I used to be. You would think I would be over that crap by now right?

Vocal Tech

I'm having a trying week at cap, but it's ok. As I told a fellow student, we have to have these moments where we can look at ourselves and just embrace where we are at. Give yourself a hug and say, "I love you Beverley. I love where you are at in your process to become an artist, and I'm going to continue to stay open and allow myself to get better." The self deprecation only hinders me. I felt defeated before I even began AAAALLLLL the time when I was in undergrand, and I developed a very awkward relationship with the head of my theater department. I'm trying to move past that with this conservatory experience. I'm trying to accept that brilliance cannot be achieved 100% of the time, but constant focus can be there for me.

This is what vocal tech has been like thus far: on the first day we each sang a song of our own choice. Then we learned together a group song which was "Goodnight my Someone" from the Music Man. Then we each had to sing the group song on our own. Then we learned our first song which was chosen by our teacher. We each sang that song on our own twice now. This past week we were working on the pelvic floor and today we had vocal health day.

On pelvic floor day, all the women went into one room and the men went into the other room for obvious reasons. Anyway, the whole concept was completely new to me. I have discussed opening the rib cage, but opening the hips and the pelvic floor. I have no idea how to do that or even how to feel that. We tried sitting down, squatting over and standing up. I didn't even know how to begin to think about it. After the class, I was honest about my experience discussing the pelvic floor, but then it was my turn to sing. So, my teacher had me singing in the squatting position, which apparently was an amazing sound to everyone else, but I just didn't hear it when I listened to the recording afterwards. I felt deflated because to everyone else that seemed like a breakthrough, but then I heard the tape and thought - I've sung better than that. I felt awful after class.

Today we had a class on vocal health. I think we could have talked about vocal health a lot longer than two hours. We saw some awesome vocal folds actually working. We saw what damaged vocal folds look like and what they would sound like if it happened. That was useful information, but Julie Andrews story is enough to terrify me because she was an incredible singer. How could she not know that she was singing incorrectly? We haven't started working on the belt yet, and truth be told, it's scaring the crap out of me. Plus, my voice doesn't feel like it's in good form now as it is. I'm hoping it was just the song and that it will get better with this second song that I'm singing.

Art Alive

Yesterday and today my acting class had to perform there solo Art Alive Piece. We all went to the met and picked a piece of art that inspired us. From this piece of art we had to create a 3-5 minute performance piece from our own inspiration. We had limited restrictions. It could be anything. We couldn't just read from our journal, but anything else - the sky is the limit.

These types pf projects are absolutely terrifying for me. My first thought is 1) I'm not creative enough for this. 2) I don't really "Get Art" and 3) THIS IS FOR ARTSY FARTSY PEOPLE. I mean seriously..... how on Earth can I create something from nothing. This is going to look and feel incredibly silly. MY very creative and artfully generous teacher said to me, "You're going to be fine." She obviously could see the sheer terror in my face when she was explaining to us what we were required to do.

I could hardly sleep the night before we went to the met. There was just absolutely NO WAY TO PLAN THIS. There is no way to be pre plan this project and let myself be safe. It's so interesting to be so terrified when there is NO WRONG answer. How on Earth could that be terrifying?

When I arrived at the Met, I was thinking, " Oh Crap - This is so overwhelming. I'm not going to find anything that inspires me. I don't even know what inspires me." Those thoughts are running through me as I spent the first 10 minutes there just trying to get my barrings on the museum. It took me forever just to figure my way around, which left me only 20 minutes to be inspired. Inspired is not the same as overwhelmed. I looked at a couple of pieces of art before I stumbled upon Juan's The Sense of Site. I really started thinking about all the things that I could associate with this piece of art. I even walked away from the piece of art, but I couldn't let it go. I just had millions of associations with this one piece of art.

Then when I was listening to my ipod on the train, I started thinking about school and the Glee rendition of "Dream on" came on. Ideas started flooding into my brain and all of a sudden I had my entire piece almost worked out. I went back to the piece of art that I had seen at the met and I all of a sudden 100 more ideas came to mind, and I realized that maybe my first interpretation of the piece was wrong. I still look at it now, and I think that my second idea might have been more in tune with what the artist was trying to get across. However, I wanted to go with my gut because I was connected to the idea, and I didn't want to second guess myself.

My piece was about the internal and external struggle of good and evil everyone struggles with themselves. How often have we looked in the mirror and despised what we saw? Have you EVER been able to look at yourself in the mirror and told yourself everything you did that and all the things you were proud of yourself for doing then at the end looked at yourself directly in the eye and said "I love you." - ? I can't tell you enough how difficult that has been for me, and how much of a mental block that has been for me. It was difficult for me to even work on the piece for long amounts of time because I really allowed myself to explore that evilness that I believe lives inside of everyone. I had horrible nightmares. I dreamed that I murdered Mr. Simpson in cold blood. I used a staple gun and then stapled F You on the front of our wooden door. It's terrifying.

I showed my piece today in class, and it was terrifying to show that type of vulnerability to relationships that are 4 weeks old. While these peoples are colleagues and friends, they are also our future co-workers and employers. I find though it's tricky to be critical and judgmental when people have poured time and themselves into the project. It's truly inspiring to see. I loved watching the other pieces. I loved the way they made me feel uncomfortable, light-hearted and it was interesting to see the same type of torment that so many of us go through in performance. It was also interesting the relationship I started to develop with my own work. The part of me that felt silly and awkward started to leave when I felt like I was in there. I was in this project. I'm showing something that is horrifying to me. It's hard to judge that, and when Larry today asked in class if there was anything we could do to make it better. I had trouble answering that question because the piece was what it was. Sure, I wish I had rehearsed in the space and felt a little comfortable in my environment. I wish I had ended the piece better and left a beat, but I felt proud of the story. I felt proud of the route I decided to go, and I felt brave for showing that to my classmates.

Now, don't get me wrong... I still think a lot of acting exercises are artsy fartsy, but today was a huge accomplishment for me. I would consider it a "break through."

Cap21 week 3

I am so blessed to be in this program.

It's so hard. I'm exhausted every night. All I want to do is sleep when I get home, and this week we had one day off because of labor day.

We're working 9 hours a week on dance, and our dance teachers do not mess around. Especially our modern teacher. I drip with sweat when I walk out of that class. It's very hard, but I am so happy to be there. I love dancing and I'm looking forward to getting into sick shape with much better dancing technique. I am looking forward to looking less awkward in dance calls or better yet dance callbacks.

One of my favorite aspects of the program is the fact that all my teachers are working professionals. It's very motivating to study from people who actually are lucrative performers in NYC. This is what I need and I love it.

I'm spending this whole weekend doing homework. I have two acting projects next week, I'm singing in vocal tech, I have a test in voice and speech and a huge essay I'm writing for musical theater history.