Driving.

Dear San Francisco Drivers,

Please go back to driving school.

All of you.

Please. I mean, I’m begging now. There is not any shame in going back to school no matter what your age is. I had at least 5 or 6 people over the age of 50 in my undergrad classes, and we were nice to them. Really, we were. Here are a few basics that I want to cover with you just to refresh your memory and to keep you alive before you check yourself into the driving classes.

4-Way Stops

Right. Right. Right.
When you get to a stop sign with multiple cars you must yield to the car on the right. You can NOT under and circumstances roll through a stop sign, if there is another car waiting at the stop sign. Also, jerkie stop and starts do not help….it just illustrates your desperate need to return to the books. If you do not follow these guidelines, you will have a Honda Civic smashed into your car, and you better believe that I will get on the horn and take my awesome new camera out to take sharp pictures of your tire marks. Let me see if I can help you remember: Right. Right. Right.

When you get into an argument you want to be…..right.
The hand that I use most offen is….right
The hand that I DON’T use is my…..right
If I don’t yield to the car on my……right….. I’m going to be wishing I went back to school.

Lanes.

This is really really big problem for you. I am a little confused about how you got your drivers license without knowing what the white and yellow lanes on the road means. Maybe you don’t have a good understanding of how wide your car is, but let me make it perfectly clear that you can not drive in two lanes. You need to see lines on either side of your car. If you notice that one giant line is directly underneath your car, YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG! There are other cars around you that are trying to drive in their own lane, and I am certain that you would like to keep the side of your minivan. So, I would suggest moving over unless you would like this Honda civic to wear half of your car on its side mirror.

Also, if there is a GIANT arrow in the lane…it means turn. Do not go straight. It’s really annoying for the people that are a) trying to turn or b) going straight and going into a lane that you’re also going into from the right side. IT REALLY SUCKS, and the Honda horn lacks the mean emphasis that the driver feels.


Tailgating

Get off my ass. It’s NOT going to help. I promise you. I will continue to go 40 miles an hour in a 25, and I will NOT go any faster. I will also NOT go through redlights, and I swear…if you do not back that shit up… I will slow down through the green light.

This also leads me to parking which I will elaborate on below, but for starters… If you see a big sticker with a San Francisco residence definton…. 90% of the time they know how to parallel park. Thus, if the reverse lights are on in front of you…do NOT scoot up as close as you can forcing them to not parallel park. They will sit there, and wait for you to move. However, if you had a LITTLE patients the parker would probably have scooted the rear into that parking spot that you are blocking in about 30 seconds flat. It would have been a lot faster then waiting 5 minutes for you to back it up and go around.


Parking


Learn to Parallel Park. I mean REALLY. Just do it. If you’re going to park in the city, you must learn how to parallel park, and you have to do it fast. It will make EVERYONE’s life just a little bit easier.

Also, if you decide to park on a busy street, DO NOT OPEN YOUR DOOR AS WIDE AS IT WILL GO INTO ON COMING TRAFFIC.

Who gave your license?