Crazy is Overwhelming.

My current boss once told me (in reference to serving tables) - just say it and then let it go. I'm going to apply the same theory here.

I recently re-read my blog again and noticed I write mostly when I'm sad or struggling. I made a choice to try and avoid the musings of a super sad heart, and while I'd like to think that's the reason I have avoided writing the past difficult 7 months, the truth is I've avoided writing because I don't want to write about how unsuccessful, lonely and depressed I've felt here in New York.

I wanted to define the way I use the word "lonely" I have met amazing people and spent great time with people out here in NYC. People who will remain part of my life in future years including my new best friend and partner in whom I find most of my NYC joy. I just miss my CA friends so much. I don't even miss my "life" in SF. While I do love the location, the constant absence of my friends leaves a hole in my heart that can't be filled and is eating me alive right now. I often find myself thinking and wishing their presence remained in my daily life. In truth, I didn't anticipate the absence to slowly become as destructive as it has the past few months. It's worse because I hardly talk to any of them. Not as much as I thought it would and it's killing me. Ok, well, it's torturing me.

I've also gained a lot of weight. A noticeable amount of weight. Enough weight that hardly any of my cloths fit including the cloths that I wore when I didn't feel in the best shape. Enough weight that has made me divert my eyes when I catch glimpses of myself in the mirror or see pictures of myself. I'm in no shape good for my body and I'm mad at myself for getting to this point. My age and drop in metabolism has made it much more difficult to lose unwanted weight as it has in the past. This is destroying my self-esteem and ruining my motivation. So, I can't bring my "lazy" self to work out and I get so mad at myself for it so I continue to eat crappy. A vicious cycle.

Then there is performing. I've sung the same song for the past 7 months. It's obviously not working, so, naturally I should learn more material. Yet, I have noway to work it that will comfort my perfectionistic mind. So, I'm continuously singing the same unperfect song. Another viscous cycle.

A contributing factor to my increasing misery is my brand of hormone pill. I'm on a different brand which I started 8 months ago and I haven't been able to adjust yet. I'm feeling extremes of emotions and I can't control my reactions even while I know it's happening and I know that I'm over reacting.

So, I'm basically caught in two vicious cycles while being an "emotional grab bag." I'm crazy. It's the bottom line. Going crazy slowly at least. I have moments of clarity and I fight to sustain my sanity but often fail miserably. My sweetheart has been amazing with his patience from God, but I know my time is ticking and I will eventually wear on him. There can only be so many melt downs in the kitchen, screaming fits in the living room and sobbing fests while shooting a nerf gun at the wall.

What am I going to do? Embrace this moment of clarity, face this haunting dark crazy and remind myself of all the joy life and New York has brought me. I found my sweetheart - a blessing. I found a job in a tough economy that I didn't have much experience in and it's perfect for auditioning. Another blessing. I am experiencing living more than two hours away from where I was raised. I'm also going to actively search for a creative outlet to sustain me while I continue to audition. Most importantly, I'm going to change my hormone, eat better and work out. Hopefully, those drastic changes will drastically change my mood and return my motivation.