Do Not Be Crazy

I learned a very important lesson this week: don’t be crazy.

It seems simple to some, but a lesson that I keep learning repeatedly to my misfortune.

My sometimes-obsessive nature is causing me to dig, discover and read things that are detrimental to my self-esteem. Granted, nothing should really cause such a significant impact on my self worth, and believe me, I’m working on it, but I did not realize I would be so affected until it was too late.

I’m really concerned about my reaction on more than one level. First and foremost, my poor self-confidence! WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?! I even started rereading some of my old journals and old life documentation on this blog and myself dismayed me. I could not believe some of the predicaments I have put myself through and accepted as natural and normal. Tis a shame, but I can assure you – I’m well aware of the issue, and I am working on it.

I started running and working out again! I have a new gym through my company, and they offer PT program that I am going to take advantage of while I am here. Yesterday I ran in the dark which was NOT a good idea. Running in San Francisco versus suburbia life is MUCH different. First of all, San Francisco is bright. Light is everywhere in San Francisco, but not in Los Altos. I could hardly see in front of me, and I felt nervous to be on the street at 7pm. Thus, my run did not last very long, but I did wake up and feel much better.

Being in this state of transition is not helping either. Listening to all my friends audition for tons of shows around here and nurturing my new and old strong friendships is causing severe pull on the heartstrings as I near the date to leave for New York.

I’m just taking a deep breath in and accepting that “this stuff” is out of my hands. I’m doing my very best in working towards being the person I want to and am meant to be, and everything will fall into the right place. I have already seen it start to happen. Stressing about things that are out of my control is just another detrimental testimony to my crazy. Again, I’m aware, and I’m making the conscious choices to fight against that instinct, but it’s difficult.

I’m surrounded by love and I’m focusing on all that right now.