I Am Crazy...

...That has been my mantra over the last few days, but I am working on changing it to: I am talented! I am fabulous! I am perfect for the part! I will do my best and have fun!Actors are crazy; they make things out to be bigger and scarier than what they really are in reality. The auditors WANT you to succeed. I need need to remember this. The auditors WANT you to succeed. They want to find their Maria, and I’m right here. I’ll see you on Monday. I’m saying that over and over and over in my brain as I rock back and forth in the corner: Maria is right here, I’ll see you on Monday.

I have been auditioning FOREVER, and now all of a sudden, everything that I usually do doesn’t seem like enough. My cloths are bright enough, aren’t clean enough, my voice… it’s just not enough! Beverley, it’s enough all I have is myself and everything inside me. It’s enough.

I am so glad that I did not take the time to really “think” this through because I don’t have the usual time I take to drone on and on about what to wear, where to stay, and blah blah. The problem arises – I make a choice – I mark it off my list because I have so many choices to make it is unreal. I don’t have time to dwell. I think this is a blessing.

I told a girlfriend, and she knew I would be falling out, and she has been so amazing by spending 45 min on the phone with me yesterday discussing every detail of a New York auditions, she looked over my resume, she answered my questions about callbacks, she helped me with my mantra, she answered every spastic email I sent her on BOTH of her e-mail accounts, she helped me prepare my audition book and she is amazing in everyway. I am so lucky to have her help and her brain to pick over. I feel less alone as I embark on this adventure by myself.

Two years ago I could not imagine living by myself. I moved.
Two years ago I thought I’d never sing again, but here I am.

One minute I am bursting at the seam to breathe, the next minute I think about how I don’t even consider myself good enough for Broadway by the Bay.

I told my dear friend this morning about the amount of support that I have embraced the last few days, and he said, “you’re whole world just hugged you.” Thank you friends and family I’m hugging you back.