August 13, 2008 began like every normal morning in the “quiet” city streets of San Francisco with my usual 7:01 am alarm jarring anyone within 20 feet, even the dead, and my starving kitty drooling over my face. “Get Up”, she meowed, “Turn that dreadful alarm off then feed me.” Discovering quickly that her meows had little to no effect on her staff (me) – she bit my nose. Love her.
Succumbing to her demands, I faced the day with my heart and mind filled with callbacks, phone calls, turning love sickness, the book I’m reading for my book club and my routine filled life that has up until now satisfied me to my hearts content.
Tweaking out on my usually 4 cups of coffee, I nestled into my usual work day. This time I was on a mission - do some research on the competition. Studying the movements and vocal qualities of this talented bay area lady, my friend im’s me. “They have announced the casting for Tony in the WSS revival.” Oh, I wonder who’s playing Maria, I thought as I typed: Maria + WSS Revival + New York.
Me. I’m playing Maria in the WSS Revival.
At least that’s what I thought when I saw this.
Laughing to myself, I jokingly e-mailed a few of my friends and said: should I go to this audition? The not so jokingly responses overwhelmingly screamed: YES! GO!
By 11:00am my brain filled with actual consideration! What would I have to do to make this work?
1) change my voice lesson.
2) email my director
3) finish q2 report.
4) find a place to stay.
5) Get a Flight.
6) get the time off work
7) find someone to take care of Squeaks.
Wow, the list seemed totally dreary and already I felt defeated, but I could not stop thinking about the fact that this impossible task really laid at my fingertips. All I had to do was really seize the day and all those other overly used clichés. Like an infectious disease the idea of actually going consumed my brain, and the mere thought of singing my favorite role at Chelsea’s studios detrimentally affected my mental health.
It’s Wednesday. That’s less than a week for my VERY FIRST BROADWAY audition. I continually turned to my friends begging for their words of discouragement, but I found only an out pour of support. “I will help you take care of Squeaks.” “Use my account for your tans.” “If you’re worried about money, I will chip in.” “Do it!” “You must do it!” “I’m so proud of you.” All this support showered my insecure self, but yet I could not muster the courage to spend over 600 dollars on a flight. Yet in under 60 min, I managed to find a place to stay, change my voice lesson, email my director, get squeaks handled, q2 report, and get the time off work.
Finding the flight, finding the courage to make the choice, accepting the fact that I am making an expensive decision tormented my soul, my mind and my spirit. Beverley, stop.
This.is.absolutely.crazy.
A moment of peace from my own thoughts came at lunch, which I shared with my co-worker, but by the end of the hour we were talking about how I was going to actualize this dream. This dream is all it’s been – how on Earth?
4:00pm I found my flight: $548! It was the cheapest I had seen all day, and me and the minans were searching!!! $548 seemed like a steal compared to the $1000 dollar tickets I had been seeing. Credit card info all typed in, my co – worker at the ready next to me, switching screens to my facebook e-mail looking, waiting, begging for… for…for what?
What exactly is holding me back? Is it JUST the fear of failure? I talk all the time about how I fail… I fail all the time. ALL THE TIME. Yet, I keep going to auditions, so, wait? What again is holding me back?
Purchase.
I clicked purchase.
Rinse. Repeat.
OMEFFINGGOODNESS! I’m going to New York. I’m going to New York. I’m going to New York. Tears filled my eyes, I gasped for air and I turned to my co-worker who said, “I think you’re doing the right thing.” I typed: I’m going to all the people who seemed interested in what my choice may or may not be. The flood gates for fear opened and the pit of dread grew inside my stomach. Casting in college came pouring back. Auditions for regional theatre came back, ACLO next stop Broadway- really? This is a country bumpkin story of the girl who came from NO WHERE and is now singing on Broadway, but the comforting knowledge of my exponential growth set my mind at ease. For the first time, I’m daring to be the person I have always wanted to be. I did it on a whim – in the span of 6 hours leaving no time for “rational” thought to take over me. Excitement has taken over my life. I thought my usual insecure self would hide the fact I’m making this crazy choice, but I felt like screaming to the world.
I wrote my Dad, I asked him, "Do you think I'm crazy?"
He said, "R u kidding….I am extremely proud that I have daughter who is so committed to following her dreams forgetting about the potential costs…….that’s character and those type of people are few and far between in our society today…….you are going to be very successful no matter what you end up doing but one thing is for sure, you were born to be a performer – so go and don’t get discouraged with initial failures – ever – just keep moving forward…..love youxxxxxxxxxxxxx"
I woke up this morning, and I listened to the song I have to sing for the audition. The feeling of utter anticipation and excitement lifted me off my feet, and I started to run to work. For the first time, in a long time, I feel free.
No comments:
Post a Comment