The Magic Number is 2

It’s a bleak day today. Thus, the wallowing shall commence in 3…2…1…

Action:

(sigh).** Every anticipated year-end is greeted with the hopes, goals and dreams for a much desired “Happy New Year.” Each time I think, this coming year is going to be so much better. It never does seem to be that much better. Sure, some years are far worse then others like my 2004 – that was a very tough year sans a silver lining. Yet, every other year always seems to have some silver lining: 2000, 20002, 2003, 2005, 2006, 2007. I left out 2001 because that was a great year, and I think it was the only year I though: may all years be this great. I did have some struggles to work out and get through in 2001, but the good far out weighed the negative in that year. Now it’s time to reflect on 2008, and the start of how the number 2 has become my nemesis.

/*Wallowing break:
I will say that the greatest thing that happened for me is that I discovered how supported I am, and I REMEMBERED the silver lining. Now I must focus on it. */

2 Things of 2008

1) I had 2 heartbreaks this year, and there is no pain like the pain from your “best friend.”
I detailed the demise of Pasha in my previous writings, and I was mum about my short captivating heart encounter and that is how it will remain. I will say that he is amazing in every way, and although the feeling of rejection erodes my heart today, I know that we have a sincere friendship that I will continue to value and cherish. Plus, he fulfilled a greater purpose in my life that I will write about when I’m ready.

Not only am I eating, living and breathing heartache at the moment, I’m surrounded by the happy 2somes that I am so blessed to have in my life. Then I stare into the faces of attractive, talented, smart, generous and amazing women wanting to be with their partner in crime, but it doesn’t seem to work out. It haunts me a little. Is that my destiny? Then I see many attractive, talented, smart, generous and amazing women that are extremely happy leading the bohemian single lifestyle. Is THAT my destiny?

The Silver Lining:
I am embarking on the greatest and most important relationship of all, and I’m getting to focus and spend time with myself. I’m constantly reminded of the amazing family and friends and out pours of support and love that so many people in this lifetime lack. I am so lucky. Again, I am so lucky.

2) I moved out of my San Francisco apartment.
The 2nd hardest thing I did this year for I loved that place. It marked a huge milestone for me in my life, and showed tremendous growth for I never thought I could live alone.

The Silver Lining:
I moved out of something great, so I can start building something greater in New York. Something ELSE I never thought I could do which is just another example demonstrating my personal growth. I am moving forward in my life. I am.

These are my heaviest 2 personal tragedies of 2008. Of course I’m leaving out the fact that I was laid off from my job, that there were TWO emotional unexpected deaths, and a bunch of other unfortunate tragedies in 2008, but of course I was going to leave my job anyway and death is a reality I had been lucky enough to only really experience now.

I can’t leave the 2008 conversation without the Yang to the Yin. I must document the 2 greatest events of 2008.

1) Performing.
I performed in an equity house this year, and I got to play Maria in West Side Story (only the greatest role of all time.) Gee, how lucky am I?

2) New York.
I decided to make the move. I’ve talked about this at nauseam. I really can’t say much more about it until I step off the diving board. I’m at the edge now. I’m looking at the water.

Although 2009 is starting off with reminiscent heartache, a genuine fear of the unknown and the desperate plea for a better year, I do remain hopeful and positive. I KNOW there are so many people out in the world that are less fortunate than I. I am so LUCKY to be so blessed. I am grateful that I can remember to think of these things during this transitional period in my life. I just hope that I can remember this mantra through January 10th.

**Every good wallow begins with a sigh.