Thursday, October 11, 2007

A Trip to One of the Greatest Places on Earth...

Disneyland? No. Didn't go there.

Any tropical place in the world? Nope. Not yet at least.

Target you say? Yes. You are right. Target.

And like many of the greatest places on Earth, I have a very love hate type of relationship with Target. In my suburban days, I visited target every day. I knew the ins and outs of every single target within a 20 mile radius. I'd have a list of seven things I needed, and I'd briskley wipe out that list in ten minutes flat avoiding the seducing scent of stale butter popcorn. These thoughts of old plagued my mind because I decided it was a good idea to go to Target on my lunch hour.

I live in San Francisco.
The closest target is 20 min away. No problem! I'll be in there for 10 minutes.

On my drive there, I try and build up my Target confidence, as I try to actually visualize WHERE the fondue pot, fondue fluid and deodorant is located in the store. I need three things. Not a problem.

When I arrive in Target, I immediately charged the store like a race horse who just heard the go gunshot. Yet, I didn't act like a race horse at all... No, in fact, I acted like a sheep. "Bah Bah," said my brain, while I frantically meandered around the store begging for my eyes to find the "Kitchen Supply" sign.

HELLLLLLLOOOOOOO is it really supposed to be that hard?

So, lets find someone to ask. Um, does anyone work here? Great...
Not to worry, here is a phone.. I'll just get on the speaker phone and page one of the wor....oh, I'm sorry am I not allowed to touch that?

Just kidding. I didn't do that, but I did find a sales associate on the next isle down.

"Excuse me can you tell me where you keep your Fonude Pots?"

Blink. Blink.

I apparently did not know that I could speak German, but I can.

I repeat, "Kitchen electronics?" She shows me and says, "We don't have Fondue Pots," just as I notice the Chocolate Fondue Fountain and the ONE fancy smacy electronic fondue pot staring right at us. Riiiiiiigggght crazy sales lady...

This is it? You have got to be kidding me I said to my increasingly agitated self who noticed the clock said 12:36pm. That's ok. This is Suburbia... Target = Starbucks... there is another one just around the corner.

I get to the second Target in 4 minutes flat, and enter the parking lot battlefield. I think it's worse than driving in San Francisco. I park, and run into this store. I know where the kitchen section is in this Target because the last time I was here, Pasha spent two hours deciding which knife set to buy. TWO HOURS LOOKING AT KNIVES, so, I got real friendly with the kitchen section. I run over, and THERE IS NO FONDUE POTS! WHA? There was a worker right next to me, and I am running out of time. So, I asked her.
"Excuse me, where are the Fondue Pots?"

"Fondue Pot....is that like a...um, like this?" She shows me a slow cooker.

"Um, no...it's like a Fondue pot. You know, like chocolate fondue melts the chocolate. You dip things in it?"

"No. we don't have those."

I looked online and saw a cagillian, and I remember the last time I was here there was a whole ISLE of fondue pots. Maybe that was just the olden days?

I was not about to try again with another sales person, so, I decided to take it out on myself and not in my head mind you. I start talking out loud, angry arms included, to myself wishing that there was actually another person there to scold. Luckily, Ed saw me and decided that I was a damsel in distress.
He says,
"Those arms tell me that you are not finding what you're looking for?"

Really sir? What gave you that idea? Was it my deranged cry echoing in the store, as I ran up and down the isle screaming like a lunatic that caught your ear? Or was it the fact that I completely tackled your coworker to the ground taping pictures of fondue pots to her shirt and forehead?

I collected myself and responded, "I'm looking for a fondue pot."

Condescendingly he says, "Ok Miss, I'll do everything possible to make sure you walk out of here smiling."

Ugh, if you say one more cheesy thing like that, I'm going to throw my cart against this kitchen isle and jump up and down in the chaos while pulling my hair out....I must have said that out loud because he called for back up, and I had the only two workers in the store looking for a fondue pot for me. Well at least I was getting help, and together the three of us found one.

I walked towards to the check out store thinking... it took three people? Really?
Do I come off as someone that could potentially violate your safety? Inside I felt like a person that needed to be put into a stray jacket IMMEDIATELY, but people can sense that? I'm a nice girl. Really. I'm just having a stressful day. Ooo Halloween candy, I'll pick some up for the office. Already my nerves are getting put back in check.

As I was checking out, I noticed that the time was now 12:57pm... I needed to get out of there FAST, and the guy at the check out counter scans my bag of candy and puts it in my hand. WHA? I go to put it in the bag he's bagging and he says, "NO, it's open."
I'm instantaneously feeling livid again.
I thought, 1) I'm much older now... I trick or treated for many years, and my parents were good parents. I learned how to go through the candy with a fine tooth comb to make sure that none of the candy was open. Do I look like a moron?
and 2) YOU SCANNED THIS!~ So even if the candy was tainted by Target's workers or customers, you were still going to make me PAY FOR IT? Great to know that I'd have to pay for my own poison. Or maybe you were telling to get another one. Well, either way, the bag wasn't open.

So, I left Target feeling like a walking mental case that either needed a shot of alcohol or paxil, but I got my fondue pot.

4 comments:

ashley said...

Attention Target Shoppers...nutcase...aisle 37

Unknown said...

I thought you'd like to know that Pam and I just spent close to 5 (FIVE!) hours at Target. We got a little carried away with our wedding registry. But it was so much fun. We even had lunch in the shelf aisle.

The Urban Food Maven said...

Bevs - This post is flippin' HILARIOUS! You make me laugh...
I misses you...

Rosy the Raptor

jenny said...

oh lordy! :)