Starting Over...Again

Every few posts I seem to say, "I can't believe I haven't blogged in such a long time." Who wants to keep reading about that? It's boring, but what struck me as incredibly interesting and heartbreaking was this post: Crazy is Overwhelming I wrote that just over a year ago, and the heart breaking part of that story is that I have been fighting those exact same horrible feelings and issues for over a year now. Except it got worse. I'm on the upswing of things and "they" say it has to get worse before it can get better.

Let's start with the good shall we?

I'm engaged.

I've been so busy "dealing" with life - I forget to take a moment and just breathe in happiness. I moved out of my Harlem apartment in early February of 2010. While it was sad and very difficult to leave my roommate at the time, I had a new roommate - my fiance to be. It was a monumental step for me because I had not ever lived with a partner before. I'm 28 and always had roommates or I lived alone. The adjustment has not been seamless but worth it. We comfortably live on the west side right by a park in a very accessible and happening part of town. I couldn't be happier here.

He proposed to me on a very hot evening in July right in front of Lincoln Center dressed in a suit and miserably waiting for me for over an hour. :) It's truly a romantic story ending with champaign and dancing right by the fountain in front of Lincoln Center. This location is where we ended our first date and began the rest of our lives together. I'll save this post for another entry.

"My lonely, unsuccessful and depressed life in New York" is just now turning around. I still miss my CA friends so much. So so so so much. I spent most of this August celebrating my honorary sister's wedding and introducing my fiance to my life in California. The whirl-wind tour ended with a beautiful celebration of love: a gorgeous wedding. I cried for most of the flight back to NYC. The torturous absence of my daily interaction with my CA friends I described in my last years post still eats me alive. I still constantly wait for the next time I get to see them and my heart is pained knowing that the reasons to see them are few and far between. Their absence still brings tears to my eyes, but it is no longer destructive. I miss them, but we still keep in contact and we still see each other as much as possible. I have a stronger focus now which keeps my missingness less destructive.

My Weight.
A huge huge huge huge battle. Right before I left for California, I cried on the phone to the mother of the bride because I wasn't sure I was going to fit into the bridesmaid dress that I just tried on in June. I had packed all my winter clothes in May and for the wedding in August, I had to unpack them to take them to California because California has a much brisker climate than New York in the summertime. I tried on all my clothes and NOTHING fit. Last year nothing fit... I was forced to buy new clothes. This year nothing fits... I was forced to buy a diet book. No, seriously I was beyond frustrated because I HAD been working out. Not working. For me - it's the balance of what I'm eating and working out. In the past, I could eat whatever I wanted and just work out. This is not the case anymore. I have to eat right AND work out. I have the luxuary of having my own personal nutritionist. :) Ok, not really, but kinda. I have a friend that is studying to be a nutritionist and I am CONSTANTLY picking her brain apart probably to the point of irritation, but she's studying - she says she needs the practice. She also recommended this diet book to me called: "The Perfect 10"

This is the start of week 3 for me and the diet has indeed done wonders. I still have a way to go, but for the most part I'm watching unwanted rolls melt off my body. I'm no longer cringing away from the mirror, and I don't cry every time I have to get dressed in the morning. I'm still not in love with taking pictures, but I'm going to get there. This weight gain took 2 years to manifest itself. It's going to take a little longer than 3 weeks to completely get rid of it. Since moving to New York, I gained close to 30 pounds.

So, what am I eating in my diet?

For the first three weeks, no grains, no processed sugar, no alcohol and more fat. This was very very very difficult to do. I realize now just how bad the restaurant industry was for my self-esteem and my state of mind at the time. I was eating french fries twice and day and drinking every day of the week. I'm not saying that I blame my job nor am I saying that I wouldn't go back to waitressing. I'm saying that at the time I wasn't able to make good choices for myself and for my body because of my self esteem. It's not healthy and I didn't have the strength or the will to just say No. Giving up these foods has been by far the hardest things to do, and it's given me complete awareness! I didn't realize just how often I was drinking a bottle of wine in one sitting. That's a lot of calories. Eating more fat has also been a little bit hard to wrap my brain around considering that most of the mainstream diets this day and age still have not grasped the concept yet. Every protein or vegetable or fruit carbohydrate must be eaten with a little bit of fat. The fat helps the body break down the carbohydrates much faster according to this book. So, I'll eat eggs in the morning with avocado or a piece of cheese or I'll eat full fat yogurt with berries. Lunch I'll have a salad with only olive oil as the dressing or lemon juice as the dressing with a little bit of cheese in the salad. Dinner I'll have chicken pan fried in olive oil seasoned with salt and pepper and chili peppers or tomatoes or coconut with steamed raw or sauteed vegetable. You're not supposed to count calories, but I still taper them. I'll have a big breakfast smaller lunch and a smaller dinner. I've cut caffeine out as well for the most part. I'll drink a cup of decaf coffee with whole fat milk. No sugar. I allow myself one cup of green tea a day because of the antioxidants and the amount of caffeine is nothing compared to the 4 cups of coffee I used to drink. Right now I hold out my arm and it doesn't shake. Snacks include: veggies (no carrots and no beets), nuts, hummus, seeds, avocado. I usually only need snacks if I have worked out a lot that day or I'm up for more hours that usual. The fat keeps me fuller longer. After stage 1 the detox stage you can start bringing whole grains back into your diet. Not a lot, but you can bring it back depending on how much energy you expend. Alcohol and sweets can be brought back sparingly. Stage 3 you can start treating yourself to your occasional hamburger or fried french fries or pizza - it's NEVER good for you, but at least the body will be able to handle it. I plan to get a full physicals as soon as I'm done. I'll let you know how my arteries look, my cholesterol and my blood pressure all look.

Working out.
I tried Bikram Yoga. It was great but didn't work. I've gone back to school and I'm dancing 9 hours a week. It's going to whip my body into shape. I'm no longer concerned. I still try and workout 6 days a week. There are 3 days we don't work out in school. I try and do some type of cardio on Wednesdays and Saturdays.

Then I talked about performing.
I was still floundering. I decided to do something about it. I applied to a professional program called Cap21. It's NYU's old program, but it's bigger, better and stronger than ever! I'm so glad that I took the leap of faith and plunged myself into this program. I quit my restaurant my job. I'm spending 40+ hours a week focusing only on acting, dancing and singing. I'm surrounded my people that are in the same place that I am regarding performing. This is going to plunge me into the New York scene and I'm so grateful for it. I seriously can't wait to just live. I'll break down my experience in the program a little more, but this post is already getting too long.

I'm taking control of my life. I'm only sorry that it took me so long to do it.