The Battered Wife

I never understood the battered wife syndrome because it seemed pretty simple.

He hits you.
You leave him.
The end.

But it's never that easy.

So, he doesn't hit you. Yet, one day you wake up and your self worth and self respect is in the toilet because you refuse to demand better, and you think your expecations are too high. He says, "I can't make you feel anything. You choose your own feelings." He says, "You can't depend on me for your own happiness." You think your expectations are too high, and that he's right. Maybe one day he'll want to marry you. Afteral, you are only 25 and you have plenty of time. Then you realize you want to travel, but he says, "I've already been to all the places you want to go. You should travel on your own."

He's right.
So you change your wants.

You try to call him out on all the things that that are making you so unhappy, but you have to make sure that it's on a Saturday morning so that his brain can focus because if you bring it up when he doesn't want to talk about it he'll just ignore you. Then you discover, it's your fault you feel so horrible. The next thing you know you're looking at a post-it with two suggestions on how to improve your issues.

Then you look around and see all the successful thriving relationships and you think wait what? He calls you everyday? You mean, he doesn't need personal time every weekend? All of a sudden you're struck with envy and this desperate desire to love and be loved in return, but you can't let go. You can't let go because he needs you, he has potential or because he's trying, but the truth is that your self-esteem is nowhere to be found, and everything is your own fault.

But what about that delicate balance?
What if you're wrong? What if he really is so great, but you're doomed by unrealistic expectations and you end up loosing the greatest love you have ever known because you failed to see the positive and only the negative.

But what if you're right?

Please take care. There is this unwritten social subtext that says be humble, but humility can not take place of self-love.

How I'm trying to demand what I deserve because I have to believe that there is someone out there that will not ask me to compromise myself, and help to bring out the best in me. It has to exists and if by chance it doesn't, then self-love is better than the absence of love.