Friday, June 13, 2008

You wore your suit...

...and I flocked like a bee to honey.

I'm here, and I've been writing. I've been writing one of those letters. You know, the letters that you sit and spend WEEKS writing and perfecting to describe exactly how you're feeling; then you never send it.

Here's the opening paragraph to one of mine:

As the days pass by, it has become painfully obvious that my words will never reach your ears, but these emotions that have infected my heart, body and soul and must come out in one fashion or another. That lurking eminent feeling of loss looms over me and fills me with dread. Yet, for the first time, in a long time, wrong or right, risking or not, sad, elated, scared and excited, I just plain don’t care. This is who I am. This is how I feel and I'm going to tell you about it.

aaaaand scene.

These letters can be extremely therapeutic for a young dramatic lady spending her days reflecting tenaciously on her current state of mind. I started writing this letter in a very different place. I had the hopes to actually give this letter a home, but then it happened. I felt it in the pit of my stomach and I could not control it. Up, up, up it came and out went the word vomit. That disgusting, nauseating and vile-should-be-kept-to-yourself words dripping with all this feeling came out, and I was done. Now three single spaced typed pages later, I lay at the bottom of the bathroom floor dry heaving words. Type. Type. Type. delete - delete - delete - delete - delete. (sigh)

Regardless, is it really safe to be actually inking these type of things?

It's that constant debate. What's too private for the Internet? Should you really be writing it in your journal? If you write one of those letters then should you burn it later?

It's pretty hard for me to edit myself when I'm puking up words, so, I use my journal or write those letters and then stick it in my journal. I have a few safe people on journal burning duty if anything were to happen to me. Yet, I'm still not convinced that my words will never be unread, but should I care if I'm dead? - That's how I rationalize it. I won't care. I'll be dead.

So in the meantime, it all comes out to help organize the emotional roller coaster I take myself on, and if anyone were to read it, I would say: It's your own fault! I didn't open the journal and say please read this.

1 comment:

Jonathan Beckett said...

Excellent post. I always used to get in trouble for writing "too much" on the internet, but seem to be a bit more guarded now than I was once upon a time.

If the words you puke up are this good, it would be a shame not to share them :)