Life as a Singer

It turns out - I can’t read. Oh, and I should definitely trust myself a little more than I do because everyone else CAN read and learned that I did NOT have to be at rehearsal until 9pm last night. All I had to do was sing “I Feel Pretty” in front of people who have already heard me sing. So, the pressure was off – until I have to. Yet, I’ll be a little more prepared this time and I’ll be a little more grounded.

From the comments of my last post and the conversations I had last night, I wanted to clarify a few things about my anxiety I have about singing.

I’ve always loved loved loved loved to sing since I was the mere age of 5 years old and just because I sang on the way to P.E., randomly bust out into song on the streets or have the tendandcy to sing at the most random times during rehearsal does not by any stretch of the imagination make me a good singer. It just makes me a crazy person who loves to sing. There is a difference – fine line, but a difference. I am not one of those lucky crazy singers that came out of the womb singing not crying. I might have thought I was singing, but really, I was just shrieking. Never have I ever had one of those freak voices that was just plain talented… it took a lot a lot a lot of hard work and a lot a lot of practice.

The only thing that really kept me going was my sheer love for singing because I have a list of stories that would make any normal person run away in complete utter humiliation. For example: in Jr. High School, I auditioned for EVERY SOLO EVERY YEAR. At the time, I thought I was pretty lucky, but now when I think about it I really really looked on the bright side because every year there was about 10 solos offered. In the 3 years I spent there I got 3 of them. In 6th grade I got the first line of the Chanukah song, and in 8th grade I got to sing a verse for the graduation concert. The real humiliating moment was my 7th grade solo in the 50’s concert. Ooo, it was humiliating. The entire Jr High group of singers puts on this 50's bandstand type of event, and then they perform it at schools in Southern California. It was a WHOLE Elvis song, and the rest of the “cast” sang back up behind you, but you also had to do these adlib parts. So, before my audition, I spent DAYS thinking of the best adlibs for the audition. I did, I had the best adlibs, but I couldn’t sing the song. So, the solo was given to someone else. The teacher said I had the best adlibs but I was “flat on all the parts of the song and I kept just getting flatter.” Well, turns out that the original soloist couldn’t do the tour. So, she asked me to sing the solo during the tour. WHAT A PLEASURE! I was so thrilled and I practiced for WEEKS. When it was my turn to sing the song at a concert in front of AN ENTIRE SCHOOL OF ELEMENTRY KIDS or whatever, I crashed and burned. I mean it was horrible it was HORRIBLE. I think I even dropped out because I could tell it was like the tone-deaf child singing in the shower for the entire world. I even overheard people talking shit about me after the performance. It was all anyone could talk about. Cause Jr. High wasn’t hard enough right?

Then in high school, I just had to have the most talented boyfriend ever (well at least I thought so) and all my friends were just the CREAM of the crop when it came to singing and acting. I always stood in a shadow wishing waiting and hoping it would be my turn, and I’m not sure why but people still had faith in me, even though, I crashed and burned over and over and over. I used to be in a quartet, and I was the WORST one. I NEVER sang my part right and the coach at one point threw her hands up in the air with me because I couldn’t even sing the basic melody to a song with out going flat. I pulled the entire group down. I knew it, they knew it, but they were my friends and they knew I was working so hard. I think the national anthem was the only thing I managed to get, but when we sang “Yesterday” I was the one singing the melody and I dropped out because I was singing bad notes. I might as well have been singing “Jealous Guy” cause that’s what it sounded like. I managed to get the lead in the high school play my senior year, but I didn’t sing… I screamed.

College things started to seriously turn around for me. I started singing pretty aggressively with a very talented teacher. I started having recitals and I started playing leads and I had a few bad notes, but things started to really pick up for me in those 4 years I lived up in Santa Rosa. My self – esteem was clearly an issue, and I got in my own way all the time. I still fight in this battle, but we’re talking about YEARS of humiliating singing experience’s here.

After college, it took some time before I found the right teacher, and NOW in just the 1.5 years I’ve been with her, my voice and life has completely changed. I started in choruses, moved to understudy’s and now I’m singing Maria in WSS.

Three things never changed for me in the entire process: 1) I love to sing. 2) I never stopped working or trying even amongst the tears. 3) People believed in me, and they believed in me when I didn’t. –I’m still not sure why.

I still work HARD at singing, don’t get me wrong, my story is not over. When I got to my voice teacher, she called me her charity case because I wasn’t of the caliber she usually taught. She doesn’t feel that way any more she thinks of me as her protégé esk type of student and that “I’ve come so far.” So, when a fellow cast member came up to me after rehearsal and said, “have you always been a great singer?” I meant it when I said, “No.” And you’ll have to forgive me if I have mild hesitations and anxiety to sing in front of people who are extremely talented.