Look How Cool This Is

T minus 6 days

Sometimes, I start to have these dreams of being trapped in a cave and being forced to do the show over and over and over and over again.

I had that dream about West Side Story last night. I went to sleep tossing and turning to the music and lyrics of, "when you're a jet, you're a jet all the way from your first cigarette to your last dying day." The faint sounds of the orchestra and singers slowly fade in as I type those words, and I slowly slip off my chair to lay beneath the table.

This weekend was tech, and I'm afraid of the balcony. It doesn't look that high up, but its high enough for me to feel fear. I can't hear my entrance the first time I sing in the entire show which ALSO happens to be the hardest part in the ENTIRE show for me to sing. I know... I know... it's weird, but I can't help it. I think I have started to turn it into a mental thing, and I'm doing everything I can to not feel nervous about it and just SING. Ugh. Just get me through this week. I swear, tomorrow - you're going to have a "squeaky" surprise.

Love

My friends and family,

I am so blessed to be so loved, and thank you so much for sharing my special day with me.

Thank you Thank you!

I'm sleeping and standing at the same time.

... and it's July 1st and we are opening in 11 days.

Some days I think, oh it's going to be fab. Other days I want to hide under the table and pray pray pray pray that when I open my mouth the right notes will come out of my mouth. I don't care if it's the right words. Just please please please may it be the right notes. Please. I will do anything!!!! It would be a special bonus if the notes actually sounded GOOD. We are running the show again tonight, but we are doing it without Anita. It threw me off the last time we did it, but this time - I'm ready to be focused.

In other news, today is my last day as a 25 year old. I'm having mixed feelings about it, I'm getting older and going through so much in my life. I want the time to pass, but I also want it to stand still. This time, though, I'm feeling pretty damn loved.

What's the Best Way to Manage Heart Break?

Check into heart break hotel and be the lead in one of the most amazing stories and musicals of all time!

I’ve been blessed to be working so diligently on such a challenging and wonderful role with an incredibly talented cast. I mean really. It’s heart stopping. It’s not possible to be feeling sad about love when you’ve got this amazing tenor singing in your ear lyrics like, “all the world is only you and me.” “today the world was just an address a place for me to live no better than alright, but here you are..” I don’t care if it’s fake, you can not be sad! Ok, so the whole dying thing kinda puts a huge wrench in the whole experience, but nothing’s perfect.

We ran the whole show recently. Each time it gets better, but the Chino scene is still a mess, and I’m still finding so so so much anger and I can’t find the sadness. I keep hoping that it’s going to come, but so much is going on in my mind and my brain that it’s feeling not real. Plus, I have this haunting voice in my heart that keeps reminding me of college, and how I felt so unsuccessful. It’s discouraging. I don’t know. I’m feeling a little bit confused. Plus, I have this other big thought on my brain at the moment.

Should I move to New York in January?

A lot of my theatre friends have slowly jumped off the ship into the big apple, and just today I got an email from one of them that said, “I’m moving to New York in January. Do you know anyone who wants a roommate? Hey, maybe you can be my roommate.” She was probably joking when she wrote it, but it really got me thinking…. Maybe it’s time I move to New York. Sure, I don’t have my card yet. Sure, I could use a couple more big roles, but I’m net getting any younger. Plus, I have no REAL ties here in the bay area except my relationships, and it’s only going to get harder to make the big move.
I’m seriously considering it.

We Ran the Whole Show

We ran the whole show! I didn' t know we were going to go through ACT 2 so I hadn't gone through my script.
So I had to call line a bunch. Ugh! That's annoying. I didn't want to have to call line, but I did. My singing was all off and just messed up.

It's ok.
Next time we do it... it will be better

Love of MY Life

The hardest scene in the show for me is the one where I’m with Chino and he’s telling me how Tony, the love of my life, killed my brother. It’s really difficult to get to the place where I can really relate to that type of loss, and then go into a fit of anger and rage when the killer comes to my bedroom window. This Friday, I think I found my motivation. Instead of saying, “He killed your brother.” He should say, “He stole your cell phone” because when I left my cell in a cab this Friday, I fell apart and started crying and screaming while chucking all my crap around my apartment. – yes, like a crazy person.

The worst part about the whole thing is that I knew it 5 seconds after I got out of the cab, but I couldn’t turn around and chase the cab down. Oh, it didn’t help it was Friday and lost and found was closed until Monday. So, there I am stranded without my cell phone. I counted down the moments until I could get it back from Yellow Cab prison, and the entire weekend made me actualize just how deep my dependency goes.

So this morning I geared up for operation –Saving-Private-Cell-Phone and headed towards the ends of the Earth, (or errr San Francisco – but, seriously, same thing !) to conquer Yellow Cab Prison. This can’t be part of San Francisco I thought as I parked my car on the gravel road and headed towards the lost and found office walking amongst the broken cabs. – There have been so many times when I myself wanted to smash in the windshield of a cab, and there was something mildly satisfying seeing those broken cabs.

They did not make finding the lost and found office easy, but eventually I was reunited with my greatest treasure and I feel restored.