Has time really gotten that far away from me?
It's true it really has. After the winter break and the second semester started I literally went 2 months without seeing my New York friends -never mind catching up with my friends and family in Florida and California. However, spring break is approaching soon and classes are slowing down and morphing into more rehearsals. It sounds torturous, but it's much better. The first part of the semester included classes and tons of rehearsals. Thursdays I'd leave the apartment at 8am and I wouldn't walk in until 10pm. It's brutal.
The schedule is brutal and so is the material, but I'm going to leave that for another post.
I spent the winter break finalizing a lot of the wedding details which put me in a much calmer place about the event. We've booked the location, the food, the dj, the photographer, the florist, the church, got all the bridesmaids dresses, and bought my wedding dress. Not too shabby for only three weeks of a winter break. I felt pretty good about where we were in the processes until I looked at the checklist which is literally 4 pages long aaaaaaand I checked off 5 items. (sigh) We have the big stuff pretty much under control - but the devil is in the details, right? At least there is enough done that I don't have to think about it until May when I'm done with school.
I guess that's a quick enough update. Oh! I'm leaving for Rome tomorrow! Yes, Rome Italy. I'm looking forward to the much needed relaxing vacation time. I intend to post my traveling updates here, and include some awesome photos.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Monday, December 20, 2010
Acting Year End
Picture this: 11am on a Monday morning, 10 degrees outside-but the window's open, my hair's knotted up in one big dread lock, a belly filled with french fries -burgers - buffalo fingers - pickle chips - and a salad with no dressing (wanted to save on calories), an empty coffee cup from yesterday trying to be filled by a willful gaze and most importantly an empty room with a giant soap box that I'm about to step on. Ok, ready?
It's my first real day off since the end of my 1st semester at Cap. I asked my old restaurant to put me on the schedule and they did very kindly! However, I have been on the go every since the semester ended. I hadn't really let go since and I haven't gotten a chance to digest all the information that has been thrown at me. All I want to do is eat and drink. Anyway, on Saturday I volunteered to sing Christmas carols at a soup kitchen (that's for a different blog post,) and along side me I had one other gentleman caroler and we were accompanied by a medical resident. He was asking me what I "do," and when I told him I was in school for musical theater he asked me how that was going... I replied, "It's great but it's really tough and takes a lot of energy."
He laughed and said, "Oh, how hard can that be? All you guys do is sing and dance and stuff right?" I laughed gleefully in response as I reached over the table throwing any and all the food l could see at his face!
no, I didn't really do that, but I did stare him down without blinking as I lifted up my shirt reveling my six-pack abs- these didn't come over night buddy.
ok, ok, I didn't really do that either, and I don't really have six-pack abs. I might if I stopped eating all those tasty buffalo fingers. Anyway, that is besides the point. I just smiled and said actually it's a lot of work. It takes a lot to be an actor. I wish I could have shared this quote with him. It's a quote that my acting teacher gave us on our last day. I thought I would share it now with you guys and it'll be like I shared it with him:
Actors are some of the most driven, courageous people on the face of the earth. They deal with more day-to-day rejection in one year than most people do in a lifetime. Every day, actors face the financial challenge of living a freelance lifestyle, the disrespect of people who they should get "real" jobs, and their own fear that they'll never work again. Ever day they have to ignore the possibility that the vision to which they have dedicated their lives is a pipe dream. With every passing year, many of them watch as the other people their age achieve the predictable milestones of normal life-the car, the family, the house, the nest egg. But they stay true to their dream, in spite of sacrifices. Why? Because actors are willing to give their entire lives to a moment - to that line, that laugh, that gesture, or that interpretation that will stir the audience's soul. Actors are beings who have tasted life's nectar in that crystal moment when they poured out their creative spirit and touched another's heart. In that instant, they were as close to magic, God, and perfection as anyone could ever be. And in their own hearts, they know how to dedicate oneself to that moment is worth a thousand lifetimes. - David Ackert
There so take that Dr. :)
It's my first real day off since the end of my 1st semester at Cap. I asked my old restaurant to put me on the schedule and they did very kindly! However, I have been on the go every since the semester ended. I hadn't really let go since and I haven't gotten a chance to digest all the information that has been thrown at me. All I want to do is eat and drink. Anyway, on Saturday I volunteered to sing Christmas carols at a soup kitchen (that's for a different blog post,) and along side me I had one other gentleman caroler and we were accompanied by a medical resident. He was asking me what I "do," and when I told him I was in school for musical theater he asked me how that was going... I replied, "It's great but it's really tough and takes a lot of energy."
He laughed and said, "Oh, how hard can that be? All you guys do is sing and dance and stuff right?" I laughed gleefully in response as I reached over the table throwing any and all the food l could see at his face!
no, I didn't really do that, but I did stare him down without blinking as I lifted up my shirt reveling my six-pack abs- these didn't come over night buddy.
ok, ok, I didn't really do that either, and I don't really have six-pack abs. I might if I stopped eating all those tasty buffalo fingers. Anyway, that is besides the point. I just smiled and said actually it's a lot of work. It takes a lot to be an actor. I wish I could have shared this quote with him. It's a quote that my acting teacher gave us on our last day. I thought I would share it now with you guys and it'll be like I shared it with him:
Actors are some of the most driven, courageous people on the face of the earth. They deal with more day-to-day rejection in one year than most people do in a lifetime. Every day, actors face the financial challenge of living a freelance lifestyle, the disrespect of people who they should get "real" jobs, and their own fear that they'll never work again. Ever day they have to ignore the possibility that the vision to which they have dedicated their lives is a pipe dream. With every passing year, many of them watch as the other people their age achieve the predictable milestones of normal life-the car, the family, the house, the nest egg. But they stay true to their dream, in spite of sacrifices. Why? Because actors are willing to give their entire lives to a moment - to that line, that laugh, that gesture, or that interpretation that will stir the audience's soul. Actors are beings who have tasted life's nectar in that crystal moment when they poured out their creative spirit and touched another's heart. In that instant, they were as close to magic, God, and perfection as anyone could ever be. And in their own hearts, they know how to dedicate oneself to that moment is worth a thousand lifetimes. - David Ackert
There so take that Dr. :)
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Just a little Raw
Everyday I go to school trying and praying to stay open and to do whatever it takes to just become the best singing, acting and dancing performer that I can be. It sounds completely after school special, but it's paralyzing to not know how to get what you want. I so badly want to be a professional performer with versatility, and there are some days where I just hit a wall. Today is one of those days.
The last two months since my last month we worked on a script analysis interp. We took a play as a class and analyzed the crap out of it and then put the show on it's feet for the entire conservatory faculty to see. The scene that I had was a climatic flight between the two best friends over a fiance. Thus, a lot of screaming was involved. So, when I received my feed back today from the teachers there was a lot of academic concern over how I use the instrument. "There's noway that she would be able to sustain that 8 shows a week." My voice and speech teacher spoke up and said, "where she is in her training - it's perfect and was absolutely ok." I know in their minds it's 2 and 1/2 months of training, but it my mind - where I'm coming from we are talking 10 years + 2 and a 1/2 months of training.
I'm frustrated. I shouldn't be here. I'm tossing my hands in the air and I'm saying I don't know how to do this correctly - please tell me how to do it. I know I'm doing it wrong, but how HOW do I fix it?
This leads me to belting.... it's a style of singing that I just can not do. The last time that I tried to belt - I lost my soprano voice. This is terrifying for me. I don't want to have to start all over again. I don't want to go back to square one. I don't know if my voice is in pain. I don't know if I'm singing correctly or with technique.
Part of the pain is working through the processes, and I already feel like I'm sacrificing so much to be here in this moment. Sometimes I have to feel like it's worth it.
The last two months since my last month we worked on a script analysis interp. We took a play as a class and analyzed the crap out of it and then put the show on it's feet for the entire conservatory faculty to see. The scene that I had was a climatic flight between the two best friends over a fiance. Thus, a lot of screaming was involved. So, when I received my feed back today from the teachers there was a lot of academic concern over how I use the instrument. "There's noway that she would be able to sustain that 8 shows a week." My voice and speech teacher spoke up and said, "where she is in her training - it's perfect and was absolutely ok." I know in their minds it's 2 and 1/2 months of training, but it my mind - where I'm coming from we are talking 10 years + 2 and a 1/2 months of training.
I'm frustrated. I shouldn't be here. I'm tossing my hands in the air and I'm saying I don't know how to do this correctly - please tell me how to do it. I know I'm doing it wrong, but how HOW do I fix it?
This leads me to belting.... it's a style of singing that I just can not do. The last time that I tried to belt - I lost my soprano voice. This is terrifying for me. I don't want to have to start all over again. I don't want to go back to square one. I don't know if my voice is in pain. I don't know if I'm singing correctly or with technique.
Part of the pain is working through the processes, and I already feel like I'm sacrificing so much to be here in this moment. Sometimes I have to feel like it's worth it.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Wedding Week
I have a week off of break and I promised Mr. Simpson that I would spend the entire break (when I'm not doing homework) on wedding stuff.
I'm trying to change my attitude about the wedding. So far It causes me to have these monumental break downs with me convulsing on the floor and Mr. Simpson hovering over me saying, "Are you don't yet?" Planning the event is supposed to be fun, but I'm finding it stressful and just plain awful.
No matter what the choice is - someone's feeling's get hurt and it's a lot of pressure deciding who's feelings will get hurt the least.
I'm trying to change my attitude about the wedding. So far It causes me to have these monumental break downs with me convulsing on the floor and Mr. Simpson hovering over me saying, "Are you don't yet?" Planning the event is supposed to be fun, but I'm finding it stressful and just plain awful.
No matter what the choice is - someone's feeling's get hurt and it's a lot of pressure deciding who's feelings will get hurt the least.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Becoming an Artist
Finally a week break from the intensity of Cap21. It's a break I didn't anticipate needing, but I'm yearning for this break.
Our last class for the week before the break is Musical Theater History. Our normal teacher was out sick, so, we had the head of the entire school teach half our class. In the first of the half the class, Frank took us on a tour of the new building because we are expanding. Right now our classes are located on the 6th floor of a building with 10 floors with "normal" business people. Everyday we fill the elevator with our yoga mats and our awful conversations about acting, singing and the woes of the aches and pains from dance. Everyday we see them role their eyes as if we are poisoning them with our voodoo conversations. Sometimes they complain about us when they think the "6th" floor people aren't in the elevator. Then we told them that lady gaga and Matthew Morrison waited on this same elevator to go to the 6th floor and they quickly shut up. Anyway, we're finally expanding. We are taking over the 5th floor and the 6th floor and we are thrilled. The halls are so cramped sometimes with all the different programs running through our halls. So, we got to see the new hall. It's amazing with lots and lots of space!
When we got back to our classroom he started talking about the history of theater and by that I mean the history of theater as it pertains to his life. Fascinating to listen to his life as an artist, and then it' just as fascinating to talk to the woman who pretty much developed A Chorus Line. Then it hit me - all these amazing works of theater have changed musical theater as we know it happened because someone created it. I know that sounds tripe, but I'm forgetting that it is important to learn the craft, but it's just as important to push the limits. To reinvent theater. We're constantly saying it in class, but it's important to do it in my career as well: Dare to be wrong.
Our last class for the week before the break is Musical Theater History. Our normal teacher was out sick, so, we had the head of the entire school teach half our class. In the first of the half the class, Frank took us on a tour of the new building because we are expanding. Right now our classes are located on the 6th floor of a building with 10 floors with "normal" business people. Everyday we fill the elevator with our yoga mats and our awful conversations about acting, singing and the woes of the aches and pains from dance. Everyday we see them role their eyes as if we are poisoning them with our voodoo conversations. Sometimes they complain about us when they think the "6th" floor people aren't in the elevator. Then we told them that lady gaga and Matthew Morrison waited on this same elevator to go to the 6th floor and they quickly shut up. Anyway, we're finally expanding. We are taking over the 5th floor and the 6th floor and we are thrilled. The halls are so cramped sometimes with all the different programs running through our halls. So, we got to see the new hall. It's amazing with lots and lots of space!
When we got back to our classroom he started talking about the history of theater and by that I mean the history of theater as it pertains to his life. Fascinating to listen to his life as an artist, and then it' just as fascinating to talk to the woman who pretty much developed A Chorus Line. Then it hit me - all these amazing works of theater have changed musical theater as we know it happened because someone created it. I know that sounds tripe, but I'm forgetting that it is important to learn the craft, but it's just as important to push the limits. To reinvent theater. We're constantly saying it in class, but it's important to do it in my career as well: Dare to be wrong.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
The Unknown in the Familiar
When I first moved to New York, my very first waitressing job and my first job in new york was at the restaurant that I worked at for 1.5 years before I decided to go to Cap21. When I decided to quit, I had all these mixed feelings because I knew I wanted to pursue acting, but I loved the people that I worked with. Plus, the social aspect of working at a restaurant doesn't parallel with any other job. I also felt like I was becoming a career waitress and feeling stuck in my art which is why I left to go to school. I left in July so I could have a break and fly to California for Ash's wedding (whose birthday is also today.) Then in August, the restaurant closed for the month of September to become a brand new restaurant with the same owners.
Friday was the opening day of this amazing place, and while a lot of the staff is coming back, they have hired new people which need to be trained. In the interim time, some of the "old timers" are coming back for guest appearances myself included. When I first said I'd do it, I thought that it would be great since I can't truly have a job while I'm at school, I can pick up a few extra shifts as need be. I didn't anticipate the effect working there would have on me. So, this week I have three shifts, and I'm very grateful for them because I need the extra funds no doubt. Today was my first two hour appearance, and I felt so awkward.
I knew that place like the back of my hand and everything was different. When it was busy, I moved around there like I was sleep walking. Don't get me wrong - I worked very hard, but it's a second nature to me. Then today the place looks the same and the table numbers are the same, but EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT. I felt like that old "remember when" conversation that people have when there is nothing else to talk about. I was trying to find something familiar in this completely new world.
Then I had these overwhelming "why did I leave" emotions flooding me because I was thinking about how comfortable I felt then compared to how extremely uncomfortable I felt today. I started feeling like everything around me was completely changing and I was just floating by never changing always being the same. Even catching up with some of my friends, I realized that so much has been going on that I am completely out of the loop on. I'm excited and a little anxious to work the next couple of shifts I have. I hope the uneasy feeling goes away.
I understand that life changes, but there is a reason the word.. "comfort"-able exists.
Friday was the opening day of this amazing place, and while a lot of the staff is coming back, they have hired new people which need to be trained. In the interim time, some of the "old timers" are coming back for guest appearances myself included. When I first said I'd do it, I thought that it would be great since I can't truly have a job while I'm at school, I can pick up a few extra shifts as need be. I didn't anticipate the effect working there would have on me. So, this week I have three shifts, and I'm very grateful for them because I need the extra funds no doubt. Today was my first two hour appearance, and I felt so awkward.
I knew that place like the back of my hand and everything was different. When it was busy, I moved around there like I was sleep walking. Don't get me wrong - I worked very hard, but it's a second nature to me. Then today the place looks the same and the table numbers are the same, but EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT. I felt like that old "remember when" conversation that people have when there is nothing else to talk about. I was trying to find something familiar in this completely new world.
Then I had these overwhelming "why did I leave" emotions flooding me because I was thinking about how comfortable I felt then compared to how extremely uncomfortable I felt today. I started feeling like everything around me was completely changing and I was just floating by never changing always being the same. Even catching up with some of my friends, I realized that so much has been going on that I am completely out of the loop on. I'm excited and a little anxious to work the next couple of shifts I have. I hope the uneasy feeling goes away.
I understand that life changes, but there is a reason the word.. "comfort"-able exists.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Week 5?
I can't believe it's already October 2nd! Time is flying so fast and I have already been in school for 5 weeks! I think? Has it been 6? I'm losing track of time aaaaaand my mind!
This week my butt got kicked in many many many different ways.
We had this acting exercise called the Physical Score. We got this sheet that said Beginning Middle and End. In each of the sections we had a list. In the beginning sections we had to pick one way of entering/beginning the piece. So our choices were as follows: 1) Enter as if you're coming in from the snow or heavy rain. 2)Enter as if you just ran 6 flights of stairs or just ran a mile. 3)Enter as if you cut yourself...etc. Then in the middle section we had to pick six of the actions on the list like: you have a runny nose, yawn, there is a mosquito that just bit you etc. Then at the end we had to pick one action to end the piece ie: you absolutely don't want to leave or you're late for an audition. The point is to basically present natural human behavior. We had to write out every little detail and nuance of what we did. Then we gave it to our acting teacher and presented the piece in the exact same order we wrote it down. DO YOU KNOW HOW FREAKING HARD THAT IS?!?!?!?!? Get up in front of your class for three minutes and do nothing exactly the same way....reeeeeeeaaaady go! By doing nothing I mean do the stuff that everyone does naturally without thinking about it, but don't present or show or perform these natural mundane actions. DO IT. You know what I mean? Don't show the class that you're smelling something completely rank... smell something completely rank. It sounds so easy, but it's really not. It's really hard. Do you get dressed to leave your house in the morning THE EXACT SAME WAY every day? To ever last minute detail like - I go to leave I pick up my keys first, then my ipod, and then my wallet. Now do it again in the same order over and over and over. I hadn't even really thought about how I get dressed in the morning - I just know I have to leave the house and I can't be naked. The end. Thought over. Being a good actor is so much harder than people think.
Anyway, doing these "nothing" types of exercises makes me crazy. Even in my normal state I'm not normal. Yes, I am the type of person that screams Eminem lyrics as loud as I possibly can as I'm entering my apartment building and apartment. If I did that in my presentation, I would be showing... Ugh. Then I have aaaaaaalllllll this undergrad crap that just pours into me and all of my old insecure feelings paralyze me with fear! I had this awful relationship with the head of my undergrad program because basically I'm physco. I don't blame the head of my department for our awful relationship because I couldn't take in what I was supposed to be learning. I am a neurotic perfectionist that was always looking for the mathematical way of being a perfect actor. I wouldn't make an artistic decision because I was always afraid of being wrong. So, every question he'd ask me was answered by another question I asked. Right? I'm irritating. So, him and I created a very detrimental learning environment for me in my undergrad years. I constantly was feeling bad about myself and trying to please him instead of trying to be a good actor. All these crappy old feelings come back and I'm scared to get up there. Again, it's another fine/grey line about studying acting. You definitely want to show that you have put work and rehearsal into whatever you're presenting, and while a bad choice is better than no choice, you still don't want to make the wrong choice!
A break through for me: I had a very successful Physical Score. :) I actually did nothing pretty well. What an awesome feeling... and a large deep sigh of relief.... I felt a little awkward and bad for my classmates who felt like they were not as successful. ( I argued and thought that everyone did a great job.) I also felt a little awkward and the need to explain why I get so uncomfortably nervous. I'm not trying to hussle my class or set the expectation low and then exceed the low expectation I set... I really have these crappy crappy feelings from undergrad that I'm trying to work through. After all, it's been 10 freaking years since I started college. I better be a better actor than I used to be. You would think I would be over that crap by now right?
This week my butt got kicked in many many many different ways.
We had this acting exercise called the Physical Score. We got this sheet that said Beginning Middle and End. In each of the sections we had a list. In the beginning sections we had to pick one way of entering/beginning the piece. So our choices were as follows: 1) Enter as if you're coming in from the snow or heavy rain. 2)Enter as if you just ran 6 flights of stairs or just ran a mile. 3)Enter as if you cut yourself...etc. Then in the middle section we had to pick six of the actions on the list like: you have a runny nose, yawn, there is a mosquito that just bit you etc. Then at the end we had to pick one action to end the piece ie: you absolutely don't want to leave or you're late for an audition. The point is to basically present natural human behavior. We had to write out every little detail and nuance of what we did. Then we gave it to our acting teacher and presented the piece in the exact same order we wrote it down. DO YOU KNOW HOW FREAKING HARD THAT IS?!?!?!?!? Get up in front of your class for three minutes and do nothing exactly the same way....reeeeeeeaaaady go! By doing nothing I mean do the stuff that everyone does naturally without thinking about it, but don't present or show or perform these natural mundane actions. DO IT. You know what I mean? Don't show the class that you're smelling something completely rank... smell something completely rank. It sounds so easy, but it's really not. It's really hard. Do you get dressed to leave your house in the morning THE EXACT SAME WAY every day? To ever last minute detail like - I go to leave I pick up my keys first, then my ipod, and then my wallet. Now do it again in the same order over and over and over. I hadn't even really thought about how I get dressed in the morning - I just know I have to leave the house and I can't be naked. The end. Thought over. Being a good actor is so much harder than people think.
Anyway, doing these "nothing" types of exercises makes me crazy. Even in my normal state I'm not normal. Yes, I am the type of person that screams Eminem lyrics as loud as I possibly can as I'm entering my apartment building and apartment. If I did that in my presentation, I would be showing... Ugh. Then I have aaaaaaalllllll this undergrad crap that just pours into me and all of my old insecure feelings paralyze me with fear! I had this awful relationship with the head of my undergrad program because basically I'm physco. I don't blame the head of my department for our awful relationship because I couldn't take in what I was supposed to be learning. I am a neurotic perfectionist that was always looking for the mathematical way of being a perfect actor. I wouldn't make an artistic decision because I was always afraid of being wrong. So, every question he'd ask me was answered by another question I asked. Right? I'm irritating. So, him and I created a very detrimental learning environment for me in my undergrad years. I constantly was feeling bad about myself and trying to please him instead of trying to be a good actor. All these crappy old feelings come back and I'm scared to get up there. Again, it's another fine/grey line about studying acting. You definitely want to show that you have put work and rehearsal into whatever you're presenting, and while a bad choice is better than no choice, you still don't want to make the wrong choice!
A break through for me: I had a very successful Physical Score. :) I actually did nothing pretty well. What an awesome feeling... and a large deep sigh of relief.... I felt a little awkward and bad for my classmates who felt like they were not as successful. ( I argued and thought that everyone did a great job.) I also felt a little awkward and the need to explain why I get so uncomfortably nervous. I'm not trying to hussle my class or set the expectation low and then exceed the low expectation I set... I really have these crappy crappy feelings from undergrad that I'm trying to work through. After all, it's been 10 freaking years since I started college. I better be a better actor than I used to be. You would think I would be over that crap by now right?
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