Everyday I go to school trying and praying to stay open and to do whatever it takes to just become the best singing, acting and dancing performer that I can be. It sounds completely after school special, but it's paralyzing to not know how to get what you want. I so badly want to be a professional performer with versatility, and there are some days where I just hit a wall. Today is one of those days.
The last two months since my last month we worked on a script analysis interp. We took a play as a class and analyzed the crap out of it and then put the show on it's feet for the entire conservatory faculty to see. The scene that I had was a climatic flight between the two best friends over a fiance. Thus, a lot of screaming was involved. So, when I received my feed back today from the teachers there was a lot of academic concern over how I use the instrument. "There's noway that she would be able to sustain that 8 shows a week." My voice and speech teacher spoke up and said, "where she is in her training - it's perfect and was absolutely ok." I know in their minds it's 2 and 1/2 months of training, but it my mind - where I'm coming from we are talking 10 years + 2 and a 1/2 months of training.
I'm frustrated. I shouldn't be here. I'm tossing my hands in the air and I'm saying I don't know how to do this correctly - please tell me how to do it. I know I'm doing it wrong, but how HOW do I fix it?
This leads me to belting.... it's a style of singing that I just can not do. The last time that I tried to belt - I lost my soprano voice. This is terrifying for me. I don't want to have to start all over again. I don't want to go back to square one. I don't know if my voice is in pain. I don't know if I'm singing correctly or with technique.
Part of the pain is working through the processes, and I already feel like I'm sacrificing so much to be here in this moment. Sometimes I have to feel like it's worth it.
Showing posts with label crazy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label crazy. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Week 5?
I can't believe it's already October 2nd! Time is flying so fast and I have already been in school for 5 weeks! I think? Has it been 6? I'm losing track of time aaaaaand my mind!
This week my butt got kicked in many many many different ways.
We had this acting exercise called the Physical Score. We got this sheet that said Beginning Middle and End. In each of the sections we had a list. In the beginning sections we had to pick one way of entering/beginning the piece. So our choices were as follows: 1) Enter as if you're coming in from the snow or heavy rain. 2)Enter as if you just ran 6 flights of stairs or just ran a mile. 3)Enter as if you cut yourself...etc. Then in the middle section we had to pick six of the actions on the list like: you have a runny nose, yawn, there is a mosquito that just bit you etc. Then at the end we had to pick one action to end the piece ie: you absolutely don't want to leave or you're late for an audition. The point is to basically present natural human behavior. We had to write out every little detail and nuance of what we did. Then we gave it to our acting teacher and presented the piece in the exact same order we wrote it down. DO YOU KNOW HOW FREAKING HARD THAT IS?!?!?!?!? Get up in front of your class for three minutes and do nothing exactly the same way....reeeeeeeaaaady go! By doing nothing I mean do the stuff that everyone does naturally without thinking about it, but don't present or show or perform these natural mundane actions. DO IT. You know what I mean? Don't show the class that you're smelling something completely rank... smell something completely rank. It sounds so easy, but it's really not. It's really hard. Do you get dressed to leave your house in the morning THE EXACT SAME WAY every day? To ever last minute detail like - I go to leave I pick up my keys first, then my ipod, and then my wallet. Now do it again in the same order over and over and over. I hadn't even really thought about how I get dressed in the morning - I just know I have to leave the house and I can't be naked. The end. Thought over. Being a good actor is so much harder than people think.
Anyway, doing these "nothing" types of exercises makes me crazy. Even in my normal state I'm not normal. Yes, I am the type of person that screams Eminem lyrics as loud as I possibly can as I'm entering my apartment building and apartment. If I did that in my presentation, I would be showing... Ugh. Then I have aaaaaaalllllll this undergrad crap that just pours into me and all of my old insecure feelings paralyze me with fear! I had this awful relationship with the head of my undergrad program because basically I'm physco. I don't blame the head of my department for our awful relationship because I couldn't take in what I was supposed to be learning. I am a neurotic perfectionist that was always looking for the mathematical way of being a perfect actor. I wouldn't make an artistic decision because I was always afraid of being wrong. So, every question he'd ask me was answered by another question I asked. Right? I'm irritating. So, him and I created a very detrimental learning environment for me in my undergrad years. I constantly was feeling bad about myself and trying to please him instead of trying to be a good actor. All these crappy old feelings come back and I'm scared to get up there. Again, it's another fine/grey line about studying acting. You definitely want to show that you have put work and rehearsal into whatever you're presenting, and while a bad choice is better than no choice, you still don't want to make the wrong choice!
A break through for me: I had a very successful Physical Score. :) I actually did nothing pretty well. What an awesome feeling... and a large deep sigh of relief.... I felt a little awkward and bad for my classmates who felt like they were not as successful. ( I argued and thought that everyone did a great job.) I also felt a little awkward and the need to explain why I get so uncomfortably nervous. I'm not trying to hussle my class or set the expectation low and then exceed the low expectation I set... I really have these crappy crappy feelings from undergrad that I'm trying to work through. After all, it's been 10 freaking years since I started college. I better be a better actor than I used to be. You would think I would be over that crap by now right?
This week my butt got kicked in many many many different ways.
We had this acting exercise called the Physical Score. We got this sheet that said Beginning Middle and End. In each of the sections we had a list. In the beginning sections we had to pick one way of entering/beginning the piece. So our choices were as follows: 1) Enter as if you're coming in from the snow or heavy rain. 2)Enter as if you just ran 6 flights of stairs or just ran a mile. 3)Enter as if you cut yourself...etc. Then in the middle section we had to pick six of the actions on the list like: you have a runny nose, yawn, there is a mosquito that just bit you etc. Then at the end we had to pick one action to end the piece ie: you absolutely don't want to leave or you're late for an audition. The point is to basically present natural human behavior. We had to write out every little detail and nuance of what we did. Then we gave it to our acting teacher and presented the piece in the exact same order we wrote it down. DO YOU KNOW HOW FREAKING HARD THAT IS?!?!?!?!? Get up in front of your class for three minutes and do nothing exactly the same way....reeeeeeeaaaady go! By doing nothing I mean do the stuff that everyone does naturally without thinking about it, but don't present or show or perform these natural mundane actions. DO IT. You know what I mean? Don't show the class that you're smelling something completely rank... smell something completely rank. It sounds so easy, but it's really not. It's really hard. Do you get dressed to leave your house in the morning THE EXACT SAME WAY every day? To ever last minute detail like - I go to leave I pick up my keys first, then my ipod, and then my wallet. Now do it again in the same order over and over and over. I hadn't even really thought about how I get dressed in the morning - I just know I have to leave the house and I can't be naked. The end. Thought over. Being a good actor is so much harder than people think.
Anyway, doing these "nothing" types of exercises makes me crazy. Even in my normal state I'm not normal. Yes, I am the type of person that screams Eminem lyrics as loud as I possibly can as I'm entering my apartment building and apartment. If I did that in my presentation, I would be showing... Ugh. Then I have aaaaaaalllllll this undergrad crap that just pours into me and all of my old insecure feelings paralyze me with fear! I had this awful relationship with the head of my undergrad program because basically I'm physco. I don't blame the head of my department for our awful relationship because I couldn't take in what I was supposed to be learning. I am a neurotic perfectionist that was always looking for the mathematical way of being a perfect actor. I wouldn't make an artistic decision because I was always afraid of being wrong. So, every question he'd ask me was answered by another question I asked. Right? I'm irritating. So, him and I created a very detrimental learning environment for me in my undergrad years. I constantly was feeling bad about myself and trying to please him instead of trying to be a good actor. All these crappy old feelings come back and I'm scared to get up there. Again, it's another fine/grey line about studying acting. You definitely want to show that you have put work and rehearsal into whatever you're presenting, and while a bad choice is better than no choice, you still don't want to make the wrong choice!
A break through for me: I had a very successful Physical Score. :) I actually did nothing pretty well. What an awesome feeling... and a large deep sigh of relief.... I felt a little awkward and bad for my classmates who felt like they were not as successful. ( I argued and thought that everyone did a great job.) I also felt a little awkward and the need to explain why I get so uncomfortably nervous. I'm not trying to hussle my class or set the expectation low and then exceed the low expectation I set... I really have these crappy crappy feelings from undergrad that I'm trying to work through. After all, it's been 10 freaking years since I started college. I better be a better actor than I used to be. You would think I would be over that crap by now right?
Thursday, September 17, 2009
An Open Letter to Fastrak
Dear Fastrak,
For the last 30 minutes, I've wondered around my apartment trying to articulate my disgust and disdain for you without sounding like an emotional basket-case I once was a few weeks ago. How exactly can I put into words how I feel about you without sounding completely irrational, irate and livid. I can't do it. So, I'm just going to say it.
Fastrak - you're evil. evil. evil evil. evil. evil.
I'm unclear as to why you purposely torture your customers. Is it masochistic pleasure you receive from refusing to fix transponders that are broken? Did you laugh to yourself when your customers get into car accidents that require rental cars that need a transponder you refuse to fix? I bet the real joy comes from sending your customer an EIGHT dollar toll fine she PAID in full that you CASHED, but not before you sent her to a collection agency.
You sent me to collections for EIGHT effing dollars. Do you hold up children at their lemonade stands too? Fastrak, you're a bastard.
Ok, let's not get into name calling - I apologize. I understand that I did have three different addresses in such a short period of time, but if you really processes all that paperwork to send me to collections for eight dollars, you can't bother to fix it after you got my check and cashed it. You act like I hadn't been a customer for FIVE years. We were practically best friends. I was visiting you everyday. I even considered having you in my wedding.
I'm serious fastrak. You have caused me a lot of grief since I've moved to New York. Is this what it's really about? I moved? Well, at this point, I'll never EVER come back to you. I'll just happily wait in line to pay my $12 dollars at the bridge toll because you suck. you suck. you suck.
Love,
Bev
P.S. The Law Enforcement place you sent me too sucks as well...
For the last 30 minutes, I've wondered around my apartment trying to articulate my disgust and disdain for you without sounding like an emotional basket-case I once was a few weeks ago. How exactly can I put into words how I feel about you without sounding completely irrational, irate and livid. I can't do it. So, I'm just going to say it.
Fastrak - you're evil. evil. evil evil. evil. evil.
I'm unclear as to why you purposely torture your customers. Is it masochistic pleasure you receive from refusing to fix transponders that are broken? Did you laugh to yourself when your customers get into car accidents that require rental cars that need a transponder you refuse to fix? I bet the real joy comes from sending your customer an EIGHT dollar toll fine she PAID in full that you CASHED, but not before you sent her to a collection agency.
You sent me to collections for EIGHT effing dollars. Do you hold up children at their lemonade stands too? Fastrak, you're a bastard.
Ok, let's not get into name calling - I apologize. I understand that I did have three different addresses in such a short period of time, but if you really processes all that paperwork to send me to collections for eight dollars, you can't bother to fix it after you got my check and cashed it. You act like I hadn't been a customer for FIVE years. We were practically best friends. I was visiting you everyday. I even considered having you in my wedding.
I'm serious fastrak. You have caused me a lot of grief since I've moved to New York. Is this what it's really about? I moved? Well, at this point, I'll never EVER come back to you. I'll just happily wait in line to pay my $12 dollars at the bridge toll because you suck. you suck. you suck.
Love,
Bev
P.S. The Law Enforcement place you sent me too sucks as well...
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Sirens Squeaks and Sobbing
My crazy is starting to reach new levels of crazy. I know that to some of you that doesn't seem possible, but I can assure you i am speaking the truth. Let's take last week as a prime example.
I spent a few days in Philly to visit a very close friend of mine, and I hadn't seen my sweetheart, Mike, since I left just wanted to clarify that I left on Monday morning and returned on Tuesday night. I had to directly go to work when I returned because I was closing the restaurant. Mike happened to have that night off, so, he was going to meet me at home and we'd go uptown together.
At ten I get a text from him that says- I can't make it by 11 tonight cause the tech guys are working on my computer and they have been working since 6pm.
One would have thought he said - I don't want anything to do with you Beverley so I purposely wasted my entire afternoon and called the tech guy at exactly 9pm just so I could purposely avoid hanging out with you because I had an emotinal break down in my brain.
I responded with - what?!? You don't want to see me tonight?!
Of course I do! I'll just meet you uptown.
No response.
11pm and I say I just got off work I'll talk to you later.
The text gave him a warranted unwelcome feeling so he called me at 12am after receiving 20 nasty where are you text messages and you purposely broke your computer to avoid seeing me text messages.
"I thought you didn't want me to come over?"
"Did I SAY that?"
"No, but... Ok, I'm coming over"
"no, don't bother now. You're only coming over cause I'm upset. If you wanted to come over you would have already been here by now."
insert unspoken curse words clearly directed towards me.
"I'm coming over. "
He arrives to find me weeping in my bed. I continued the uncontrollable sobbing for at least 30 minutes.
C-R-A-Z-Y. Oh, but the story gets better.
The next morning I awoke feeling hungover with embarrassment at my behavior from the night before. My roommate had already left for the day and Mike left for work at 2pm. I got ready for work and left the house at 4pm because I was closing again.
6pm I get a text from my roommate: I'm so sorry. I can't find the cat. I have been searching for 30 min and I can't find her anywhere. I am so sorry.
I was working so I didn't get the message until an hour later. Not knowing how to respond I texted Mike with "oh honey." He promptly responded with " I know. I'm on it." My roommate was apologizing so I thought maybe she left the door open but she hadn't. So, maybe Squeaks couldn't bare my crazy and jumped out the window.
Turns out my roommate called the bomb squad to come and find the cat. A friend from upstairs came down to search every corner of the house. Mike comes tearing down the road in his patrol car sirens blazing from the south Bronx. The friend found her just as Mike arrived on the scene.
She was trapped in my bottom dresser drawer.
Yup. I closed her in while I was getting ready for work. I think I'm getting close to check me in crazy. I swear it was an accident. Please don't call animal services. I love my cat and I had NO idea she was in there.
Mike told me later that he was worried if something had happened to her it would have been to much of a mental strain to my already wavering mental stability. I only have one more week of this crazy and I should return to normal. Well, as normal is obviously a loosely defined term.
I spent a few days in Philly to visit a very close friend of mine, and I hadn't seen my sweetheart, Mike, since I left just wanted to clarify that I left on Monday morning and returned on Tuesday night. I had to directly go to work when I returned because I was closing the restaurant. Mike happened to have that night off, so, he was going to meet me at home and we'd go uptown together.
At ten I get a text from him that says- I can't make it by 11 tonight cause the tech guys are working on my computer and they have been working since 6pm.
One would have thought he said - I don't want anything to do with you Beverley so I purposely wasted my entire afternoon and called the tech guy at exactly 9pm just so I could purposely avoid hanging out with you because I had an emotinal break down in my brain.
I responded with - what?!? You don't want to see me tonight?!
Of course I do! I'll just meet you uptown.
No response.
11pm and I say I just got off work I'll talk to you later.
The text gave him a warranted unwelcome feeling so he called me at 12am after receiving 20 nasty where are you text messages and you purposely broke your computer to avoid seeing me text messages.
"I thought you didn't want me to come over?"
"Did I SAY that?"
"No, but... Ok, I'm coming over"
"no, don't bother now. You're only coming over cause I'm upset. If you wanted to come over you would have already been here by now."
insert unspoken curse words clearly directed towards me.
"I'm coming over. "
He arrives to find me weeping in my bed. I continued the uncontrollable sobbing for at least 30 minutes.
C-R-A-Z-Y. Oh, but the story gets better.
The next morning I awoke feeling hungover with embarrassment at my behavior from the night before. My roommate had already left for the day and Mike left for work at 2pm. I got ready for work and left the house at 4pm because I was closing again.
6pm I get a text from my roommate: I'm so sorry. I can't find the cat. I have been searching for 30 min and I can't find her anywhere. I am so sorry.
I was working so I didn't get the message until an hour later. Not knowing how to respond I texted Mike with "oh honey." He promptly responded with " I know. I'm on it." My roommate was apologizing so I thought maybe she left the door open but she hadn't. So, maybe Squeaks couldn't bare my crazy and jumped out the window.
Turns out my roommate called the bomb squad to come and find the cat. A friend from upstairs came down to search every corner of the house. Mike comes tearing down the road in his patrol car sirens blazing from the south Bronx. The friend found her just as Mike arrived on the scene.
She was trapped in my bottom dresser drawer.
Yup. I closed her in while I was getting ready for work. I think I'm getting close to check me in crazy. I swear it was an accident. Please don't call animal services. I love my cat and I had NO idea she was in there.
Mike told me later that he was worried if something had happened to her it would have been to much of a mental strain to my already wavering mental stability. I only have one more week of this crazy and I should return to normal. Well, as normal is obviously a loosely defined term.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Someone is Always Crazier.
Working in the restaurant business has lead to meeting the strangest type of characters. For instance tonight green suite actor man walks into the restaurant and he promptly sits at the bar. Luckily, I didn't have to serve him, but I got to hear his stories first hand from my friend - the bartender. He orders a drink and pulls his wad of 1 dollar bills crumpled up in his pocket and spends at least 10 minutes counting out 9 dollars. During this transaction, he asks her where she is from. Discovering her hometown once simply was not enough. In her return he asks her again and she politely reminds him that he already asked her. We then find out that he has short term memory problems and wants to know what film we last saw him in. Averting all interaction with crazy mccrazyson, we hang out at the other end of the bar. At some point I had to go into the kitchen to run food out to my tables. I walk by and he grumbles after me "how can she not recognize me. "
crap.
I knew I had to walk by him again and there was no way around it. This time he stopped me with a barking sound that I think resembled a hello. He mumbled at me and I couldn't understand so I awkwardly chuckled and ran away. The bartender then informed me that he was filming a movie today so his mumblings must have something to so with preserving his voice. Clearly, he over used it in the shoot this afternoon
My favorite type of crazy is the cheating sex couple that always seem to come in while I'm working.
This girl came in once at the beginning of my shift and told me that she was waiting for someone. The middle aged hunched over balding man came into the restaurant soon after. I'm a little unclear if this start to their evening was a staged get away from work followed by a staged entrance into the restaurant like no one there would notice they were sitting together. In fact, it was impossible to advert your eyes from this particular couple. From the start they sat super close to each other which is fine but after the third beer in the necking began. I'm not talking about a cute hi- honey -I -love -you -I'm -going -to -show -you- how-much-I- love- you. It's more like -the -disgusting- shoving -tongue- down- her- throat- which- I'm -sure- caused- drool- to -stream-down- her- face- I- wanna- throw -up -in- my -mouth- type of necking. I am not exaggerating when I say that at one point she was standing between his sitting legs and he was starting to caress her chest with his mouth at least the part of her chest that was showing in her low cut blouse. I refused to go over there and serve them because I was scared of what I'd really see if I went over there. I thought maybe if I didn't serve them they would leave. Every once in awhile, he would call out to me from across the room. He didn't want me over there just as much as I didn't want to go over there. I noticed that they both each wore wedding rings and they obviously weren't married to each other because any normal sensible couple would have spared the rest of the people in the joint and gone home to their house and played restaurant. There are plenty of hotels in new York and fat annies isn't one of them. When he finally asked for his check he asked me how much. I replied - for the food or the show? Ok fine. I didn't say that but I really really wanted to.
How do these people look at themselves in the mirror the next day? At the very least it makes for good entertainment. Next time I'll speak of the ones who try and hit on the waitress.
crap.
I knew I had to walk by him again and there was no way around it. This time he stopped me with a barking sound that I think resembled a hello. He mumbled at me and I couldn't understand so I awkwardly chuckled and ran away. The bartender then informed me that he was filming a movie today so his mumblings must have something to so with preserving his voice. Clearly, he over used it in the shoot this afternoon
My favorite type of crazy is the cheating sex couple that always seem to come in while I'm working.
This girl came in once at the beginning of my shift and told me that she was waiting for someone. The middle aged hunched over balding man came into the restaurant soon after. I'm a little unclear if this start to their evening was a staged get away from work followed by a staged entrance into the restaurant like no one there would notice they were sitting together. In fact, it was impossible to advert your eyes from this particular couple. From the start they sat super close to each other which is fine but after the third beer in the necking began. I'm not talking about a cute hi- honey -I -love -you -I'm -going -to -show -you- how-much-I- love- you. It's more like -the -disgusting- shoving -tongue- down- her- throat- which- I'm -sure- caused- drool- to -stream-down- her- face- I- wanna- throw -up -in- my -mouth- type of necking. I am not exaggerating when I say that at one point she was standing between his sitting legs and he was starting to caress her chest with his mouth at least the part of her chest that was showing in her low cut blouse. I refused to go over there and serve them because I was scared of what I'd really see if I went over there. I thought maybe if I didn't serve them they would leave. Every once in awhile, he would call out to me from across the room. He didn't want me over there just as much as I didn't want to go over there. I noticed that they both each wore wedding rings and they obviously weren't married to each other because any normal sensible couple would have spared the rest of the people in the joint and gone home to their house and played restaurant. There are plenty of hotels in new York and fat annies isn't one of them. When he finally asked for his check he asked me how much. I replied - for the food or the show? Ok fine. I didn't say that but I really really wanted to.
How do these people look at themselves in the mirror the next day? At the very least it makes for good entertainment. Next time I'll speak of the ones who try and hit on the waitress.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Crazy is Overwhelming.
My current boss once told me (in reference to serving tables) - just say it and then let it go. I'm going to apply the same theory here.
I recently re-read my blog again and noticed I write mostly when I'm sad or struggling. I made a choice to try and avoid the musings of a super sad heart, and while I'd like to think that's the reason I have avoided writing the past difficult 7 months, the truth is I've avoided writing because I don't want to write about how unsuccessful, lonely and depressed I've felt here in New York.
I wanted to define the way I use the word "lonely" I have met amazing people and spent great time with people out here in NYC. People who will remain part of my life in future years including my new best friend and partner in whom I find most of my NYC joy. I just miss my CA friends so much. I don't even miss my "life" in SF. While I do love the location, the constant absence of my friends leaves a hole in my heart that can't be filled and is eating me alive right now. I often find myself thinking and wishing their presence remained in my daily life. In truth, I didn't anticipate the absence to slowly become as destructive as it has the past few months. It's worse because I hardly talk to any of them. Not as much as I thought it would and it's killing me. Ok, well, it's torturing me.
I've also gained a lot of weight. A noticeable amount of weight. Enough weight that hardly any of my cloths fit including the cloths that I wore when I didn't feel in the best shape. Enough weight that has made me divert my eyes when I catch glimpses of myself in the mirror or see pictures of myself. I'm in no shape good for my body and I'm mad at myself for getting to this point. My age and drop in metabolism has made it much more difficult to lose unwanted weight as it has in the past. This is destroying my self-esteem and ruining my motivation. So, I can't bring my "lazy" self to work out and I get so mad at myself for it so I continue to eat crappy. A vicious cycle.
Then there is performing. I've sung the same song for the past 7 months. It's obviously not working, so, naturally I should learn more material. Yet, I have noway to work it that will comfort my perfectionistic mind. So, I'm continuously singing the same unperfect song. Another viscous cycle.
A contributing factor to my increasing misery is my brand of hormone pill. I'm on a different brand which I started 8 months ago and I haven't been able to adjust yet. I'm feeling extremes of emotions and I can't control my reactions even while I know it's happening and I know that I'm over reacting.
So, I'm basically caught in two vicious cycles while being an "emotional grab bag." I'm crazy. It's the bottom line. Going crazy slowly at least. I have moments of clarity and I fight to sustain my sanity but often fail miserably. My sweetheart has been amazing with his patience from God, but I know my time is ticking and I will eventually wear on him. There can only be so many melt downs in the kitchen, screaming fits in the living room and sobbing fests while shooting a nerf gun at the wall.
What am I going to do? Embrace this moment of clarity, face this haunting dark crazy and remind myself of all the joy life and New York has brought me. I found my sweetheart - a blessing. I found a job in a tough economy that I didn't have much experience in and it's perfect for auditioning. Another blessing. I am experiencing living more than two hours away from where I was raised. I'm also going to actively search for a creative outlet to sustain me while I continue to audition. Most importantly, I'm going to change my hormone, eat better and work out. Hopefully, those drastic changes will drastically change my mood and return my motivation.
I recently re-read my blog again and noticed I write mostly when I'm sad or struggling. I made a choice to try and avoid the musings of a super sad heart, and while I'd like to think that's the reason I have avoided writing the past difficult 7 months, the truth is I've avoided writing because I don't want to write about how unsuccessful, lonely and depressed I've felt here in New York.
I wanted to define the way I use the word "lonely" I have met amazing people and spent great time with people out here in NYC. People who will remain part of my life in future years including my new best friend and partner in whom I find most of my NYC joy. I just miss my CA friends so much. I don't even miss my "life" in SF. While I do love the location, the constant absence of my friends leaves a hole in my heart that can't be filled and is eating me alive right now. I often find myself thinking and wishing their presence remained in my daily life. In truth, I didn't anticipate the absence to slowly become as destructive as it has the past few months. It's worse because I hardly talk to any of them. Not as much as I thought it would and it's killing me. Ok, well, it's torturing me.
I've also gained a lot of weight. A noticeable amount of weight. Enough weight that hardly any of my cloths fit including the cloths that I wore when I didn't feel in the best shape. Enough weight that has made me divert my eyes when I catch glimpses of myself in the mirror or see pictures of myself. I'm in no shape good for my body and I'm mad at myself for getting to this point. My age and drop in metabolism has made it much more difficult to lose unwanted weight as it has in the past. This is destroying my self-esteem and ruining my motivation. So, I can't bring my "lazy" self to work out and I get so mad at myself for it so I continue to eat crappy. A vicious cycle.
Then there is performing. I've sung the same song for the past 7 months. It's obviously not working, so, naturally I should learn more material. Yet, I have noway to work it that will comfort my perfectionistic mind. So, I'm continuously singing the same unperfect song. Another viscous cycle.
A contributing factor to my increasing misery is my brand of hormone pill. I'm on a different brand which I started 8 months ago and I haven't been able to adjust yet. I'm feeling extremes of emotions and I can't control my reactions even while I know it's happening and I know that I'm over reacting.
So, I'm basically caught in two vicious cycles while being an "emotional grab bag." I'm crazy. It's the bottom line. Going crazy slowly at least. I have moments of clarity and I fight to sustain my sanity but often fail miserably. My sweetheart has been amazing with his patience from God, but I know my time is ticking and I will eventually wear on him. There can only be so many melt downs in the kitchen, screaming fits in the living room and sobbing fests while shooting a nerf gun at the wall.
What am I going to do? Embrace this moment of clarity, face this haunting dark crazy and remind myself of all the joy life and New York has brought me. I found my sweetheart - a blessing. I found a job in a tough economy that I didn't have much experience in and it's perfect for auditioning. Another blessing. I am experiencing living more than two hours away from where I was raised. I'm also going to actively search for a creative outlet to sustain me while I continue to audition. Most importantly, I'm going to change my hormone, eat better and work out. Hopefully, those drastic changes will drastically change my mood and return my motivation.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
The Magic Number is 2
It’s a bleak day today. Thus, the wallowing shall commence in 3…2…1…
Action:
(sigh).** Every anticipated year-end is greeted with the hopes, goals and dreams for a much desired “Happy New Year.” Each time I think, this coming year is going to be so much better. It never does seem to be that much better. Sure, some years are far worse then others like my 2004 – that was a very tough year sans a silver lining. Yet, every other year always seems to have some silver lining: 2000, 20002, 2003, 2005, 2006, 2007. I left out 2001 because that was a great year, and I think it was the only year I though: may all years be this great. I did have some struggles to work out and get through in 2001, but the good far out weighed the negative in that year. Now it’s time to reflect on 2008, and the start of how the number 2 has become my nemesis.
/*Wallowing break:
I will say that the greatest thing that happened for me is that I discovered how supported I am, and I REMEMBERED the silver lining. Now I must focus on it. */
2 Things of 2008
1) I had 2 heartbreaks this year, and there is no pain like the pain from your “best friend.”
I detailed the demise of Pasha in my previous writings, and I was mum about my short captivating heart encounter and that is how it will remain. I will say that he is amazing in every way, and although the feeling of rejection erodes my heart today, I know that we have a sincere friendship that I will continue to value and cherish. Plus, he fulfilled a greater purpose in my life that I will write about when I’m ready.
Not only am I eating, living and breathing heartache at the moment, I’m surrounded by the happy 2somes that I am so blessed to have in my life. Then I stare into the faces of attractive, talented, smart, generous and amazing women wanting to be with their partner in crime, but it doesn’t seem to work out. It haunts me a little. Is that my destiny? Then I see many attractive, talented, smart, generous and amazing women that are extremely happy leading the bohemian single lifestyle. Is THAT my destiny?
The Silver Lining:
I am embarking on the greatest and most important relationship of all, and I’m getting to focus and spend time with myself. I’m constantly reminded of the amazing family and friends and out pours of support and love that so many people in this lifetime lack. I am so lucky. Again, I am so lucky.
2) I moved out of my San Francisco apartment.
The 2nd hardest thing I did this year for I loved that place. It marked a huge milestone for me in my life, and showed tremendous growth for I never thought I could live alone.
The Silver Lining:
I moved out of something great, so I can start building something greater in New York. Something ELSE I never thought I could do which is just another example demonstrating my personal growth. I am moving forward in my life. I am.
These are my heaviest 2 personal tragedies of 2008. Of course I’m leaving out the fact that I was laid off from my job, that there were TWO emotional unexpected deaths, and a bunch of other unfortunate tragedies in 2008, but of course I was going to leave my job anyway and death is a reality I had been lucky enough to only really experience now.
I can’t leave the 2008 conversation without the Yang to the Yin. I must document the 2 greatest events of 2008.
1) Performing.
I performed in an equity house this year, and I got to play Maria in West Side Story (only the greatest role of all time.) Gee, how lucky am I?
2) New York.
I decided to make the move. I’ve talked about this at nauseam. I really can’t say much more about it until I step off the diving board. I’m at the edge now. I’m looking at the water.
Although 2009 is starting off with reminiscent heartache, a genuine fear of the unknown and the desperate plea for a better year, I do remain hopeful and positive. I KNOW there are so many people out in the world that are less fortunate than I. I am so LUCKY to be so blessed. I am grateful that I can remember to think of these things during this transitional period in my life. I just hope that I can remember this mantra through January 10th.
**Every good wallow begins with a sigh.
Action:
(sigh).** Every anticipated year-end is greeted with the hopes, goals and dreams for a much desired “Happy New Year.” Each time I think, this coming year is going to be so much better. It never does seem to be that much better. Sure, some years are far worse then others like my 2004 – that was a very tough year sans a silver lining. Yet, every other year always seems to have some silver lining: 2000, 20002, 2003, 2005, 2006, 2007. I left out 2001 because that was a great year, and I think it was the only year I though: may all years be this great. I did have some struggles to work out and get through in 2001, but the good far out weighed the negative in that year. Now it’s time to reflect on 2008, and the start of how the number 2 has become my nemesis.
/*Wallowing break:
I will say that the greatest thing that happened for me is that I discovered how supported I am, and I REMEMBERED the silver lining. Now I must focus on it. */
2 Things of 2008
1) I had 2 heartbreaks this year, and there is no pain like the pain from your “best friend.”
I detailed the demise of Pasha in my previous writings, and I was mum about my short captivating heart encounter and that is how it will remain. I will say that he is amazing in every way, and although the feeling of rejection erodes my heart today, I know that we have a sincere friendship that I will continue to value and cherish. Plus, he fulfilled a greater purpose in my life that I will write about when I’m ready.
Not only am I eating, living and breathing heartache at the moment, I’m surrounded by the happy 2somes that I am so blessed to have in my life. Then I stare into the faces of attractive, talented, smart, generous and amazing women wanting to be with their partner in crime, but it doesn’t seem to work out. It haunts me a little. Is that my destiny? Then I see many attractive, talented, smart, generous and amazing women that are extremely happy leading the bohemian single lifestyle. Is THAT my destiny?
The Silver Lining:
I am embarking on the greatest and most important relationship of all, and I’m getting to focus and spend time with myself. I’m constantly reminded of the amazing family and friends and out pours of support and love that so many people in this lifetime lack. I am so lucky. Again, I am so lucky.
2) I moved out of my San Francisco apartment.
The 2nd hardest thing I did this year for I loved that place. It marked a huge milestone for me in my life, and showed tremendous growth for I never thought I could live alone.
The Silver Lining:
I moved out of something great, so I can start building something greater in New York. Something ELSE I never thought I could do which is just another example demonstrating my personal growth. I am moving forward in my life. I am.
These are my heaviest 2 personal tragedies of 2008. Of course I’m leaving out the fact that I was laid off from my job, that there were TWO emotional unexpected deaths, and a bunch of other unfortunate tragedies in 2008, but of course I was going to leave my job anyway and death is a reality I had been lucky enough to only really experience now.
I can’t leave the 2008 conversation without the Yang to the Yin. I must document the 2 greatest events of 2008.
1) Performing.
I performed in an equity house this year, and I got to play Maria in West Side Story (only the greatest role of all time.) Gee, how lucky am I?
2) New York.
I decided to make the move. I’ve talked about this at nauseam. I really can’t say much more about it until I step off the diving board. I’m at the edge now. I’m looking at the water.
Although 2009 is starting off with reminiscent heartache, a genuine fear of the unknown and the desperate plea for a better year, I do remain hopeful and positive. I KNOW there are so many people out in the world that are less fortunate than I. I am so LUCKY to be so blessed. I am grateful that I can remember to think of these things during this transitional period in my life. I just hope that I can remember this mantra through January 10th.
**Every good wallow begins with a sigh.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Almost 2009
Aw, I haven’t updated in a while, but I needed a break from my crazy.
Ok. Fine. I have a small chance from escaping all my crazy, but I needed a break from my larger crazy that consumes my heart, my soul and my spirit. It has truly been a long time since I have felt so stoic, cold, empathetic and just a walking contradiction. At times I’m filled with an outpour of emotion, and other times – I’m emotionally numb. Believe you me - these are not my darkest days. I’m working through it and I am not alone. My spirit is filled with hope despite the whisperings of fear, despair and aloneness. I know that I am not alone, and that this is just part of my path. I have found peace in knowing that this is just part of my plan.
The show is wonderful. I have loved every single moment that I have had spending time with the cast, the music and Jennifer. She brings lightness to me that I have been craving, and I love it. I get a chance to wallow in her stupidity, ignorance, vein spirit and tragic soul! I love it. Love it love it love it! Three more weeks of that show, and then it’s over. I have been dreading that a little bit.
I’m also working on the Christmas show. It’s great. It’s wonderful. We’re going up next week, and I still have some memorizing to do, but I will be ok. I’m not too worried about it. Tonight we get to meet the kids, and I’m looking forward to it!
I cannot believe that today is December 2nd. What a year, and the start of 2009 will be fantastic!! Just 39 more days until I leave!!
Ok. Fine. I have a small chance from escaping all my crazy, but I needed a break from my larger crazy that consumes my heart, my soul and my spirit. It has truly been a long time since I have felt so stoic, cold, empathetic and just a walking contradiction. At times I’m filled with an outpour of emotion, and other times – I’m emotionally numb. Believe you me - these are not my darkest days. I’m working through it and I am not alone. My spirit is filled with hope despite the whisperings of fear, despair and aloneness. I know that I am not alone, and that this is just part of my path. I have found peace in knowing that this is just part of my plan.
The show is wonderful. I have loved every single moment that I have had spending time with the cast, the music and Jennifer. She brings lightness to me that I have been craving, and I love it. I get a chance to wallow in her stupidity, ignorance, vein spirit and tragic soul! I love it. Love it love it love it! Three more weeks of that show, and then it’s over. I have been dreading that a little bit.
I’m also working on the Christmas show. It’s great. It’s wonderful. We’re going up next week, and I still have some memorizing to do, but I will be ok. I’m not too worried about it. Tonight we get to meet the kids, and I’m looking forward to it!
I cannot believe that today is December 2nd. What a year, and the start of 2009 will be fantastic!! Just 39 more days until I leave!!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Do Not Be Crazy
I learned a very important lesson this week: don’t be crazy.
It seems simple to some, but a lesson that I keep learning repeatedly to my misfortune.
My sometimes-obsessive nature is causing me to dig, discover and read things that are detrimental to my self-esteem. Granted, nothing should really cause such a significant impact on my self worth, and believe me, I’m working on it, but I did not realize I would be so affected until it was too late.
I’m really concerned about my reaction on more than one level. First and foremost, my poor self-confidence! WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?! I even started rereading some of my old journals and old life documentation on this blog and myself dismayed me. I could not believe some of the predicaments I have put myself through and accepted as natural and normal. Tis a shame, but I can assure you – I’m well aware of the issue, and I am working on it.
I started running and working out again! I have a new gym through my company, and they offer PT program that I am going to take advantage of while I am here. Yesterday I ran in the dark which was NOT a good idea. Running in San Francisco versus suburbia life is MUCH different. First of all, San Francisco is bright. Light is everywhere in San Francisco, but not in Los Altos. I could hardly see in front of me, and I felt nervous to be on the street at 7pm. Thus, my run did not last very long, but I did wake up and feel much better.
Being in this state of transition is not helping either. Listening to all my friends audition for tons of shows around here and nurturing my new and old strong friendships is causing severe pull on the heartstrings as I near the date to leave for New York.
I’m just taking a deep breath in and accepting that “this stuff” is out of my hands. I’m doing my very best in working towards being the person I want to and am meant to be, and everything will fall into the right place. I have already seen it start to happen. Stressing about things that are out of my control is just another detrimental testimony to my crazy. Again, I’m aware, and I’m making the conscious choices to fight against that instinct, but it’s difficult.
I’m surrounded by love and I’m focusing on all that right now.
It seems simple to some, but a lesson that I keep learning repeatedly to my misfortune.
My sometimes-obsessive nature is causing me to dig, discover and read things that are detrimental to my self-esteem. Granted, nothing should really cause such a significant impact on my self worth, and believe me, I’m working on it, but I did not realize I would be so affected until it was too late.
I’m really concerned about my reaction on more than one level. First and foremost, my poor self-confidence! WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?! I even started rereading some of my old journals and old life documentation on this blog and myself dismayed me. I could not believe some of the predicaments I have put myself through and accepted as natural and normal. Tis a shame, but I can assure you – I’m well aware of the issue, and I am working on it.
I started running and working out again! I have a new gym through my company, and they offer PT program that I am going to take advantage of while I am here. Yesterday I ran in the dark which was NOT a good idea. Running in San Francisco versus suburbia life is MUCH different. First of all, San Francisco is bright. Light is everywhere in San Francisco, but not in Los Altos. I could hardly see in front of me, and I felt nervous to be on the street at 7pm. Thus, my run did not last very long, but I did wake up and feel much better.
Being in this state of transition is not helping either. Listening to all my friends audition for tons of shows around here and nurturing my new and old strong friendships is causing severe pull on the heartstrings as I near the date to leave for New York.
I’m just taking a deep breath in and accepting that “this stuff” is out of my hands. I’m doing my very best in working towards being the person I want to and am meant to be, and everything will fall into the right place. I have already seen it start to happen. Stressing about things that are out of my control is just another detrimental testimony to my crazy. Again, I’m aware, and I’m making the conscious choices to fight against that instinct, but it’s difficult.
I’m surrounded by love and I’m focusing on all that right now.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
I'm Not An Overweight Hooker
I played wii fit for the first time last night, and I stopped playing feeling very bad about myself. I've since then signed up for the gym, and gotten a personal trainer. I haven't done any of that - except sign up for the gym, and that was before I played wii fit.
I did, however, walk into Walgreens this morning at 7:00am because I had a few things I needed to pick up. We're opening the show tomorrow and I am wearing a blonde wig. Thus, my mission - grab the essentials. I get the mascara, the fake eyelashes, the blonde poppy pins, the wig pins, ask about a wig cap, and finish off with my birth control pills. Once the cashier throughly finished giving me the evil eye, he promptly reminded me that Halloween is over, and that this is not the Walgreens down on polk street. Smiling I said, "I'm in a Show. He replied, "Again, spare me the details."
Who cares if that conversation was in both of our heads! I know it happened
I did, however, walk into Walgreens this morning at 7:00am because I had a few things I needed to pick up. We're opening the show tomorrow and I am wearing a blonde wig. Thus, my mission - grab the essentials. I get the mascara, the fake eyelashes, the blonde poppy pins, the wig pins, ask about a wig cap, and finish off with my birth control pills. Once the cashier throughly finished giving me the evil eye, he promptly reminded me that Halloween is over, and that this is not the Walgreens down on polk street. Smiling I said, "I'm in a Show. He replied, "Again, spare me the details."
Who cares if that conversation was in both of our heads! I know it happened
Friday, October 31, 2008
Happy Halloween
Boo!
Did I scare you? Well, I scared myself. I’ve actually been doing that a lot lately. Waking up after only 5 hours of sleep and looking in the mirror, I jump back in terror thinking what is that THING gazing back at me.
Oh, yes, it’s the sleep deprived, overly caffeinated and running on fumes Beverley starring back at you. (sigh)
I’ve been back from Hawaii for a week, and already it feels like an entire century ago. I realized that as I hit rock bottom last Wednesday:
It was the 3rd day of rehearsal, and I had been gone for a week, so, I was overly thinking about all the moments needing my focused energy. Plus, I have been commuting two hours everyday all over the bay area, and after rehearsal it was pumpkin carving day with my gracious sister who waited up for me to carve with me.
I got home around 11:30pm and we carved pumpkins for an hour with the angry feisty kitty, and she exercised her naturally creative talent and skills with her amazing Happy Halloween pumpkins. Mine looked like an outside cat after an after dark bar fight in the trashcans with the town’s local feral. Who cares that one eye is significantly larger than the other, the mouth is a little disfigured, and the ears are not proportionate! I’m tired ok. I need some sleep.
So, after the quick clean up I turned in around 12:30am. I turned off the lights and went to crash onto my mattress. The darkness took a little longer for my eyes to adjust, but I didn’t care – the goal was to reach my bed. When I arrived at what I thought was my bed, I put all my weight forward onto my hands knowing that I was going to hit the mattress in 2.5 seconds. Alas, I miscalculated the position of my bed, and the mattress was about 2 inches in front of me. Naturally I lunged forward with my leg to catch my fall, but my bed was right there, just not right in front of me. So, I lunged forward into my bed frame. Laughing and wincing with pain I turned on the light to look at the mark. Sure enough – there was the scrape on my knee serving as a constant reminder: get sleep, and don’t be a dumb ass.
Did I scare you? Well, I scared myself. I’ve actually been doing that a lot lately. Waking up after only 5 hours of sleep and looking in the mirror, I jump back in terror thinking what is that THING gazing back at me.
Oh, yes, it’s the sleep deprived, overly caffeinated and running on fumes Beverley starring back at you. (sigh)
I’ve been back from Hawaii for a week, and already it feels like an entire century ago. I realized that as I hit rock bottom last Wednesday:
It was the 3rd day of rehearsal, and I had been gone for a week, so, I was overly thinking about all the moments needing my focused energy. Plus, I have been commuting two hours everyday all over the bay area, and after rehearsal it was pumpkin carving day with my gracious sister who waited up for me to carve with me.
I got home around 11:30pm and we carved pumpkins for an hour with the angry feisty kitty, and she exercised her naturally creative talent and skills with her amazing Happy Halloween pumpkins. Mine looked like an outside cat after an after dark bar fight in the trashcans with the town’s local feral. Who cares that one eye is significantly larger than the other, the mouth is a little disfigured, and the ears are not proportionate! I’m tired ok. I need some sleep.
So, after the quick clean up I turned in around 12:30am. I turned off the lights and went to crash onto my mattress. The darkness took a little longer for my eyes to adjust, but I didn’t care – the goal was to reach my bed. When I arrived at what I thought was my bed, I put all my weight forward onto my hands knowing that I was going to hit the mattress in 2.5 seconds. Alas, I miscalculated the position of my bed, and the mattress was about 2 inches in front of me. Naturally I lunged forward with my leg to catch my fall, but my bed was right there, just not right in front of me. So, I lunged forward into my bed frame. Laughing and wincing with pain I turned on the light to look at the mark. Sure enough – there was the scrape on my knee serving as a constant reminder: get sleep, and don’t be a dumb ass.
Friday, August 15, 2008
I Am Crazy...
...That has been my mantra over the last few days, but I am working on changing it to: I am talented! I am fabulous! I am perfect for the part! I will do my best and have fun!Actors are crazy; they make things out to be bigger and scarier than what they really are in reality. The auditors WANT you to succeed. I need need to remember this. The auditors WANT you to succeed. They want to find their Maria, and I’m right here. I’ll see you on Monday. I’m saying that over and over and over in my brain as I rock back and forth in the corner: Maria is right here, I’ll see you on Monday.
I have been auditioning FOREVER, and now all of a sudden, everything that I usually do doesn’t seem like enough. My cloths are bright enough, aren’t clean enough, my voice… it’s just not enough! Beverley, it’s enough all I have is myself and everything inside me. It’s enough.
I am so glad that I did not take the time to really “think” this through because I don’t have the usual time I take to drone on and on about what to wear, where to stay, and blah blah. The problem arises – I make a choice – I mark it off my list because I have so many choices to make it is unreal. I don’t have time to dwell. I think this is a blessing.
I told a girlfriend, and she knew I would be falling out, and she has been so amazing by spending 45 min on the phone with me yesterday discussing every detail of a New York auditions, she looked over my resume, she answered my questions about callbacks, she helped me with my mantra, she answered every spastic email I sent her on BOTH of her e-mail accounts, she helped me prepare my audition book and she is amazing in everyway. I am so lucky to have her help and her brain to pick over. I feel less alone as I embark on this adventure by myself.
Two years ago I could not imagine living by myself. I moved.
Two years ago I thought I’d never sing again, but here I am.
One minute I am bursting at the seam to breathe, the next minute I think about how I don’t even consider myself good enough for Broadway by the Bay.
I told my dear friend this morning about the amount of support that I have embraced the last few days, and he said, “you’re whole world just hugged you.” Thank you friends and family I’m hugging you back.
I have been auditioning FOREVER, and now all of a sudden, everything that I usually do doesn’t seem like enough. My cloths are bright enough, aren’t clean enough, my voice… it’s just not enough! Beverley, it’s enough all I have is myself and everything inside me. It’s enough.
I am so glad that I did not take the time to really “think” this through because I don’t have the usual time I take to drone on and on about what to wear, where to stay, and blah blah. The problem arises – I make a choice – I mark it off my list because I have so many choices to make it is unreal. I don’t have time to dwell. I think this is a blessing.
I told a girlfriend, and she knew I would be falling out, and she has been so amazing by spending 45 min on the phone with me yesterday discussing every detail of a New York auditions, she looked over my resume, she answered my questions about callbacks, she helped me with my mantra, she answered every spastic email I sent her on BOTH of her e-mail accounts, she helped me prepare my audition book and she is amazing in everyway. I am so lucky to have her help and her brain to pick over. I feel less alone as I embark on this adventure by myself.
Two years ago I could not imagine living by myself. I moved.
Two years ago I thought I’d never sing again, but here I am.
One minute I am bursting at the seam to breathe, the next minute I think about how I don’t even consider myself good enough for Broadway by the Bay.
I told my dear friend this morning about the amount of support that I have embraced the last few days, and he said, “you’re whole world just hugged you.” Thank you friends and family I’m hugging you back.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Love of MY Life
The hardest scene in the show for me is the one where I’m with Chino and he’s telling me how Tony, the love of my life, killed my brother. It’s really difficult to get to the place where I can really relate to that type of loss, and then go into a fit of anger and rage when the killer comes to my bedroom window. This Friday, I think I found my motivation. Instead of saying, “He killed your brother.” He should say, “He stole your cell phone” because when I left my cell in a cab this Friday, I fell apart and started crying and screaming while chucking all my crap around my apartment. – yes, like a crazy person.
The worst part about the whole thing is that I knew it 5 seconds after I got out of the cab, but I couldn’t turn around and chase the cab down. Oh, it didn’t help it was Friday and lost and found was closed until Monday. So, there I am stranded without my cell phone. I counted down the moments until I could get it back from Yellow Cab prison, and the entire weekend made me actualize just how deep my dependency goes.
So this morning I geared up for operation –Saving-Private-Cell-Phone and headed towards the ends of the Earth, (or errr San Francisco – but, seriously, same thing !) to conquer Yellow Cab Prison. This can’t be part of San Francisco I thought as I parked my car on the gravel road and headed towards the lost and found office walking amongst the broken cabs. – There have been so many times when I myself wanted to smash in the windshield of a cab, and there was something mildly satisfying seeing those broken cabs.
They did not make finding the lost and found office easy, but eventually I was reunited with my greatest treasure and I feel restored.
The worst part about the whole thing is that I knew it 5 seconds after I got out of the cab, but I couldn’t turn around and chase the cab down. Oh, it didn’t help it was Friday and lost and found was closed until Monday. So, there I am stranded without my cell phone. I counted down the moments until I could get it back from Yellow Cab prison, and the entire weekend made me actualize just how deep my dependency goes.
So this morning I geared up for operation –Saving-Private-Cell-Phone and headed towards the ends of the Earth, (or errr San Francisco – but, seriously, same thing !) to conquer Yellow Cab Prison. This can’t be part of San Francisco I thought as I parked my car on the gravel road and headed towards the lost and found office walking amongst the broken cabs. – There have been so many times when I myself wanted to smash in the windshield of a cab, and there was something mildly satisfying seeing those broken cabs.
They did not make finding the lost and found office easy, but eventually I was reunited with my greatest treasure and I feel restored.
Monday, March 3, 2008
I'm Back
Hi! I've missed you.
Let's hug. *hug*
Ok, so now that we have that out of the way, let's dish....
It's been so long since I have written, I need to get back into the swing of things. With this said, I must postpone the homeless story because it HAS to be perfect!!!
In my absence, I have:
1) Fallen behind on my homework. (I will get to that today)
2) Desperately tried to avoid scheduling my dentist appointment, but my tooth is going to shatter any second now.
3) Scared myself into working at home, since my desk literally fell on me.
4) Gained weight.
5) Got up on Grey's Anatomy
6) Fell in love with Heroes
7) Working on Lost
8) Took care of stuffy nose Pasha.
9) Working hard to defeat a co-worker at Guitar Hero playing on expert! I WILL DO IT! It's just a matter of time.
OH! I did get called back for Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz in an equity show... that was cool!
So, all in all, it's been a pretty successful vacation if I may say so myself.
Let's hug. *hug*
Ok, so now that we have that out of the way, let's dish....
It's been so long since I have written, I need to get back into the swing of things. With this said, I must postpone the homeless story because it HAS to be perfect!!!
In my absence, I have:
1) Fallen behind on my homework. (I will get to that today)
2) Desperately tried to avoid scheduling my dentist appointment, but my tooth is going to shatter any second now.
3) Scared myself into working at home, since my desk literally fell on me.
4) Gained weight.
5) Got up on Grey's Anatomy
6) Fell in love with Heroes
7) Working on Lost
8) Took care of stuffy nose Pasha.
9) Working hard to defeat a co-worker at Guitar Hero playing on expert! I WILL DO IT! It's just a matter of time.
OH! I did get called back for Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz in an equity show... that was cool!
So, all in all, it's been a pretty successful vacation if I may say so myself.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Snow!
So, I'm heading to the snow this weekend.
I usually go once a year with Ash, and we usually go towards the end of the season where there are lots and lots and lots of ice to cushion my toosh.
This time, we're going in the midst of a blizzard.
I am trying not to jinx it or panic, but it's not looking good out there. It has started raining, and it has not stopped! EEEEEEEKKKKKK!!!
I called Pash around 11am and I said, "I never said I love you this morning, and just in case I die, I want you to know that I love you. Ok, that's it."
He thinks I'm crazy, but I'm not.
I usually go once a year with Ash, and we usually go towards the end of the season where there are lots and lots and lots of ice to cushion my toosh.
This time, we're going in the midst of a blizzard.
I am trying not to jinx it or panic, but it's not looking good out there. It has started raining, and it has not stopped! EEEEEEEKKKKKK!!!
I called Pash around 11am and I said, "I never said I love you this morning, and just in case I die, I want you to know that I love you. Ok, that's it."
He thinks I'm crazy, but I'm not.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Flames of Target
Target shopping on Sunday at 1:30pm is hell on earth.
I should have known better. I did re-read my last Target post, but yet I still braved it. First of all, WHY WHY WHY WHY does it take 20 minutes to get to a Target from San Francisco? Yes, the real estate is probably very expensive, but people shop at Target!!!! People are going to spend all their money at this lovely store because it has EVERYTHING! You need a camera? got it. Mossimo cloths? got it. Hair shampoo? check. Box of cereal? yes. Birthday cards? birthday presents? office supplies? nice furniture for bedroom bathroom or kitchen? How about some cheap furniture? OH! Don't forget all the stuff you need for your car! Tv's, movies, books! What's your store - Target!
Sometimes, it's not worth the battle.
When I arrived, the zoo at the parking lot deceived me because sometimes parking lots can be super busy, but no one is in the store. NOT THIS TIME. I get my cart outside with my special list. Pasha and I are hosting a Thanksgiving dinner at my house with my parents and some other friends this year. In preparation, I wrote out a list. The special list included all of the items on the menu, and then I wrote out all the food items we needed in two categories: Early and Fresh. All of the early items were purchased yesterday, and the fresh items will be purchased right before Thanksgiving. Next to each item, is the name of the store that it will be purchased. This list spanned over two pages.
I put the list at the front of my cart, and put the LAST BOTTLE OF Biolage volumizer shampoo in the cart with the conditioner next to it. The isles were so packed one person could barley walk down let alone a person and a cart. So, to get the toothpaste- I put the cart at the end of the isle and walked half way down. When I got back to my cart, GONE! Shampoo, conditioner AND MY SPECIAL LIST! WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?!?! Cursing to get a new cart, I noticed there were no more carts left for the taking, apparently this means free range. If you need a cart, and people have stuff in it... WHO CARES?! No one's hands are directly on it..it MUST be available for taking. GRRRRRRRRRR.
Luckily, I printed out two copies of the list. One for me, and one for Pasha.
I swear, today, I hate Target.
I should have known better. I did re-read my last Target post, but yet I still braved it. First of all, WHY WHY WHY WHY does it take 20 minutes to get to a Target from San Francisco? Yes, the real estate is probably very expensive, but people shop at Target!!!! People are going to spend all their money at this lovely store because it has EVERYTHING! You need a camera? got it. Mossimo cloths? got it. Hair shampoo? check. Box of cereal? yes. Birthday cards? birthday presents? office supplies? nice furniture for bedroom bathroom or kitchen? How about some cheap furniture? OH! Don't forget all the stuff you need for your car! Tv's, movies, books! What's your store - Target!
Sometimes, it's not worth the battle.
When I arrived, the zoo at the parking lot deceived me because sometimes parking lots can be super busy, but no one is in the store. NOT THIS TIME. I get my cart outside with my special list. Pasha and I are hosting a Thanksgiving dinner at my house with my parents and some other friends this year. In preparation, I wrote out a list. The special list included all of the items on the menu, and then I wrote out all the food items we needed in two categories: Early and Fresh. All of the early items were purchased yesterday, and the fresh items will be purchased right before Thanksgiving. Next to each item, is the name of the store that it will be purchased. This list spanned over two pages.
I put the list at the front of my cart, and put the LAST BOTTLE OF Biolage volumizer shampoo in the cart with the conditioner next to it. The isles were so packed one person could barley walk down let alone a person and a cart. So, to get the toothpaste- I put the cart at the end of the isle and walked half way down. When I got back to my cart, GONE! Shampoo, conditioner AND MY SPECIAL LIST! WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?!?! Cursing to get a new cart, I noticed there were no more carts left for the taking, apparently this means free range. If you need a cart, and people have stuff in it... WHO CARES?! No one's hands are directly on it..it MUST be available for taking. GRRRRRRRRRR.
Luckily, I printed out two copies of the list. One for me, and one for Pasha.
I swear, today, I hate Target.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Emergency - quick, get this girl some Aspirin!
In my college career, I had three trips to the emergency room.
The first trip to the ER (I'll spare you the gross details) was on account of my gynecologist in my young adult life. He could not even fathom the fact that I, Beverley, would have sex before marriage. Not to mention the fact that I had a guy gynecologist! I had been seeing him for over 3 years, and on my last visit, he learned about the atrocious activities I had partook in.---so not the reason I was there, could we please focus dr! We spent the rest of the visit in awkward and uncomfortable silence, and the antibiotics that he subscribed killed the WRONG bacteria causing me to land in the ER. Not a pleasant experience.
The second trip was right after a New Year. The Christmas before I decided to put a second pierced hole in my ear. Totally normal right? I mean.. I pierced my ear for goodness sake.... Anyway, by January my left ear had gotten so infected and swollen, it decided to eat my earing. My ear actually absorbed the top of my earing, leaving a red and crusty top for me to see. I couldn't get the earing out, but the massive amount of pain surging through my body said, "GET THIS THING OUT." Thus, another trip to the ER. When I got there, she looked at my ear and tried to pull the earing out through the BACK. OMG! That hurt so bad! Screaming for my life, she decided to put me on laughing gas, and my friend had to sho the children that were gathering at the door. Nevertheless, the earing finally came out, and I now have a pretty little bump scar always to remind me of this experience.
The third and most eventful trip happened right after I dropped myself and hit my head on the pavement. Ok, no, but I landed in the ER on account of my own stupidity. I was in full swing rehearsals for The Fantasticks, and in one of the songs, I got picked up and thrown over the shoulder. On the night we rehearsed that scene, my back started to hurt. The next morning, and for a week after, my back was in pain. Anyway, one Saturday, it hurt sososoos bad I asked my boyfriend at the time to purchase some pain medication for me. He brought back BAYER. This specific pain medication I had never seen before, and instead of reading the contents, I treated it like Ibuprofen. So, I got the bottle. I popped four of those little suckers into my mouth, and proceeded to do so...every four hours. So, around I don't know, dinner time.. I started getting this excruciating ringing in my ears. So, I popped two Excedrin. Well, Bayer is Aspirin. One Pill is 500ml of Aspirin. Excedrin is also Aspirin. So, by dinner time I started to feel the repercussion of overdosing. Yet, I didn't know it.
My oh-so-not-wonderful boyfriend planned a very romantic evening including dinner at our favorite Chinese restaurant, and then watching movies and cuddling on the couch. All great ideas except 1) he didn't have a car, so, I had to do all the driving around, and 2) I was starting to feel worse and worse. On the way to the restaurant, I said to him, "Hey, I don't think we should go out tonight, I am starting to really not feel well." He got mad, and started accusing me of trying to ruin the wonderful night he planned, and damnit I am obviously trying to sabotage this relationship, and this MUST be a result of the time seven months ago when I....alright, alright...shut it. I rallied, and went to the damn restaurant.
While eating, the ringing got louder, I started seeing black spots and I began to feel less control over my muscles. In no condition to drive, I turned to him and said please drive I can't. The whole way home I heard mouthfuls of how terrible I make everything, but I was fighting for consciousness. We parked and I said, "Take me to the hospital." Sure, I could have said, "Please, would you mind using my car to take me to the hospital?" I'm lucky I got any words out at all! He said something to the effect of -oh no, you don't need to go to the hospital. you are just being dramatic, you are fine, and I bet your back doesn't even hurt, why don't you just go inside and rest a little bit. you'll feel better in the morning, but I can't believe we didn't go and get the movie! I am just going to go and pick something out. Fine.
I got into the house and laid down, and it just was downhill from there. My heart raced at an abnormal speed, the ringing made me deaf and I could barely move my muscles. It was official. I was on crack. Freaked out, I called friends that lived over 45 min away, and begged them to come and take me to the hospital. My begging came in fits of hysterical screams because I was crying, and I couldn't hear cause of the ringing. (This was due to the caffeine apparently. I've been nervous to drink too much coffee ever since.) Anyway, my friends called my boyfriend, and basically told him to stop being such a baby - and get back to get me to the hospital. He did with a bruised ego that got taken out on me, but at this point, I was cracked out. So, trying to talk to me rationally did not work, and infuriated him. When we got to the hospital, My heart rate was 190. They made me drink charcoal to cause me to puke. However, I had digested the Aspirin, so, it was already in my blood stream. Then I had to stay there for a while to make sure that I did not have to go to toxic control center to get my stomach pumped. I didn't have to, but man that charcoal was DISGUSTING. The doctor made the mistake of saying to us that I had digested most of the Aspirin, and I have puked out any of the remaining undigested poison, so, all I can do now is go home and sleep it off. I had a painful sleep, and I woke up the next morning with the worst hangover ever. Then a day filled with you're so terrible, and you didn't even have to go to the hospital, but I was nice enough to drive you, and I can't believe you're not kissing the ground I walk on.
Never a dull moment in the ER, but one of these times happened on April 10th. I move out of my dorm in May, lived with my honorary family for the summer and then to a new dorm in August. In addition to all my moving around, my parents moved at least 4 times too. So, does it shock you that I did not receive my bill? Does it also shock you that I was a naive 18-21 year old little girl who did not think that there were bills floating around not taken care of? (If so, please re-read the Aspirin trip to the ER.) OH! Is it also shocking that after the first facilities collection notice came two years later, that I didn't think oh, perhaps there is a DOCTORS bill floating around?
That's right, I didn't. So yesterday, when I got my collections notice for an outstanding doctor's bill from the same event that I got my LAST collection from came as bit of a shock. Especially since, I have been living on my own now for quite some time, and I am much wiser now. Now, I have to go through a million hoops to get my credit taken care of because now I have TWO collection dings caused by ONE visit to the doctor, and I had NO IDEA that I had any outstanding bills.
I'm mildly irritated.
The first trip to the ER (I'll spare you the gross details) was on account of my gynecologist in my young adult life. He could not even fathom the fact that I, Beverley, would have sex before marriage. Not to mention the fact that I had a guy gynecologist! I had been seeing him for over 3 years, and on my last visit, he learned about the atrocious activities I had partook in.---so not the reason I was there, could we please focus dr! We spent the rest of the visit in awkward and uncomfortable silence, and the antibiotics that he subscribed killed the WRONG bacteria causing me to land in the ER. Not a pleasant experience.
The second trip was right after a New Year. The Christmas before I decided to put a second pierced hole in my ear. Totally normal right? I mean.. I pierced my ear for goodness sake.... Anyway, by January my left ear had gotten so infected and swollen, it decided to eat my earing. My ear actually absorbed the top of my earing, leaving a red and crusty top for me to see. I couldn't get the earing out, but the massive amount of pain surging through my body said, "GET THIS THING OUT." Thus, another trip to the ER. When I got there, she looked at my ear and tried to pull the earing out through the BACK. OMG! That hurt so bad! Screaming for my life, she decided to put me on laughing gas, and my friend had to sho the children that were gathering at the door. Nevertheless, the earing finally came out, and I now have a pretty little bump scar always to remind me of this experience.
The third and most eventful trip happened right after I dropped myself and hit my head on the pavement. Ok, no, but I landed in the ER on account of my own stupidity. I was in full swing rehearsals for The Fantasticks, and in one of the songs, I got picked up and thrown over the shoulder. On the night we rehearsed that scene, my back started to hurt. The next morning, and for a week after, my back was in pain. Anyway, one Saturday, it hurt sososoos bad I asked my boyfriend at the time to purchase some pain medication for me. He brought back BAYER. This specific pain medication I had never seen before, and instead of reading the contents, I treated it like Ibuprofen. So, I got the bottle. I popped four of those little suckers into my mouth, and proceeded to do so...every four hours. So, around I don't know, dinner time.. I started getting this excruciating ringing in my ears. So, I popped two Excedrin. Well, Bayer is Aspirin. One Pill is 500ml of Aspirin. Excedrin is also Aspirin. So, by dinner time I started to feel the repercussion of overdosing. Yet, I didn't know it.
My oh-so-not-wonderful boyfriend planned a very romantic evening including dinner at our favorite Chinese restaurant, and then watching movies and cuddling on the couch. All great ideas except 1) he didn't have a car, so, I had to do all the driving around, and 2) I was starting to feel worse and worse. On the way to the restaurant, I said to him, "Hey, I don't think we should go out tonight, I am starting to really not feel well." He got mad, and started accusing me of trying to ruin the wonderful night he planned, and damnit I am obviously trying to sabotage this relationship, and this MUST be a result of the time seven months ago when I....alright, alright...shut it. I rallied, and went to the damn restaurant.
While eating, the ringing got louder, I started seeing black spots and I began to feel less control over my muscles. In no condition to drive, I turned to him and said please drive I can't. The whole way home I heard mouthfuls of how terrible I make everything, but I was fighting for consciousness. We parked and I said, "Take me to the hospital." Sure, I could have said, "Please, would you mind using my car to take me to the hospital?" I'm lucky I got any words out at all! He said something to the effect of -oh no, you don't need to go to the hospital. you are just being dramatic, you are fine, and I bet your back doesn't even hurt, why don't you just go inside and rest a little bit. you'll feel better in the morning, but I can't believe we didn't go and get the movie! I am just going to go and pick something out. Fine.
I got into the house and laid down, and it just was downhill from there. My heart raced at an abnormal speed, the ringing made me deaf and I could barely move my muscles. It was official. I was on crack. Freaked out, I called friends that lived over 45 min away, and begged them to come and take me to the hospital. My begging came in fits of hysterical screams because I was crying, and I couldn't hear cause of the ringing. (This was due to the caffeine apparently. I've been nervous to drink too much coffee ever since.) Anyway, my friends called my boyfriend, and basically told him to stop being such a baby - and get back to get me to the hospital. He did with a bruised ego that got taken out on me, but at this point, I was cracked out. So, trying to talk to me rationally did not work, and infuriated him. When we got to the hospital, My heart rate was 190. They made me drink charcoal to cause me to puke. However, I had digested the Aspirin, so, it was already in my blood stream. Then I had to stay there for a while to make sure that I did not have to go to toxic control center to get my stomach pumped. I didn't have to, but man that charcoal was DISGUSTING. The doctor made the mistake of saying to us that I had digested most of the Aspirin, and I have puked out any of the remaining undigested poison, so, all I can do now is go home and sleep it off. I had a painful sleep, and I woke up the next morning with the worst hangover ever. Then a day filled with you're so terrible, and you didn't even have to go to the hospital, but I was nice enough to drive you, and I can't believe you're not kissing the ground I walk on.
Never a dull moment in the ER, but one of these times happened on April 10th. I move out of my dorm in May, lived with my honorary family for the summer and then to a new dorm in August. In addition to all my moving around, my parents moved at least 4 times too. So, does it shock you that I did not receive my bill? Does it also shock you that I was a naive 18-21 year old little girl who did not think that there were bills floating around not taken care of? (If so, please re-read the Aspirin trip to the ER.) OH! Is it also shocking that after the first facilities collection notice came two years later, that I didn't think oh, perhaps there is a DOCTORS bill floating around?
That's right, I didn't. So yesterday, when I got my collections notice for an outstanding doctor's bill from the same event that I got my LAST collection from came as bit of a shock. Especially since, I have been living on my own now for quite some time, and I am much wiser now. Now, I have to go through a million hoops to get my credit taken care of because now I have TWO collection dings caused by ONE visit to the doctor, and I had NO IDEA that I had any outstanding bills.
I'm mildly irritated.
Friday, November 9, 2007
Today
Remember when I told you about this horrible thing that tortures me? Well, today has been especially bad.
I poured my usual cup of coffee this morning at home. I have one cup every morning, which means I have to pour the coffee into the cup every single day. Today, for some reason, I poured 90% of the coffee all down my cabinets and on to the floor. This should have been my first sign, but as I am discovering, I ignore signs.
I came to work this morning, and I decided to make the office coffee...mostly because I wanted another cup. This daunting task is scary because everyone in the office drinks it, and if it's not good, pack up your desk: you're fired. So, I usually hide in my computer, and wait for someone else to make the pot. It's not rocket science, but I fear being held accountable, obviously. However, today I was rocking out to MMMBOP, and my mood is always instantaneously better. Thus, I decided to make the coffee.
When I went to empty out the used grinds for 12 cups of coffee, I dropped it on the floor and all down the trashcan. It was disgusting because shmeered wet coffee grinds almost looks like... I'm sorry, I can't say it...use your imagination.
What's the matter with me? I spent the first 30 minutes of the morning cleaning up the kitchen, and I am convinced that I'm never gonna learn
I poured my usual cup of coffee this morning at home. I have one cup every morning, which means I have to pour the coffee into the cup every single day. Today, for some reason, I poured 90% of the coffee all down my cabinets and on to the floor. This should have been my first sign, but as I am discovering, I ignore signs.
I came to work this morning, and I decided to make the office coffee...mostly because I wanted another cup. This daunting task is scary because everyone in the office drinks it, and if it's not good, pack up your desk: you're fired. So, I usually hide in my computer, and wait for someone else to make the pot. It's not rocket science, but I fear being held accountable, obviously. However, today I was rocking out to MMMBOP, and my mood is always instantaneously better. Thus, I decided to make the coffee.
When I went to empty out the used grinds for 12 cups of coffee, I dropped it on the floor and all down the trashcan. It was disgusting because shmeered wet coffee grinds almost looks like... I'm sorry, I can't say it...use your imagination.
What's the matter with me? I spent the first 30 minutes of the morning cleaning up the kitchen, and I am convinced that I'm never gonna learn
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Stress
For some reason, I can not find a happy medium with my time management. I'm either bored out of my mind, or I'm a frantic can't stop to drink water type of busy. Is there anyone out there that just says, "Ah, I worked very hard for X amount of hours, and now I can spend the rest of my stress-free mind hanging out with the swarming amount of people that can never be disappointed? Instead, I fear the fatal look of disappointment, and I say YES to EVERYTHING. It has gotten me into so much trouble..especially because "I don't want to" isn't a good excuse. I am positive that if I say, " I don't want to," I'm signing my death certificate.
It is very stressful, and my life feels very controlled.
So, I need to ask you... if you a friend asks you to hang out, but you don't want to, and you don't want to hurt their feelings. WHAT DO YOU SAY? My friend says, "hey, let's go wine tasting," and huge amounts of stress and pressure ensues.
Speaking of Stress, I need to re-focus my attentions on work right now, but answer me
this. How do you say NO, and not hurt people's feelings?
It is very stressful, and my life feels very controlled.
So, I need to ask you... if you a friend asks you to hang out, but you don't want to, and you don't want to hurt their feelings. WHAT DO YOU SAY? My friend says, "hey, let's go wine tasting," and huge amounts of stress and pressure ensues.
Speaking of Stress, I need to re-focus my attentions on work right now, but answer me
this. How do you say NO, and not hurt people's feelings?
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Wedding Land
One of Pasha's dear couple friends are getting married....to eachother.
Oh friends, it gets tricky here....
I have been hanging out with these friends for TWO YEARS! That is a long time to spend time with people, and so they asked me to sing in their wedding, which is tomorrow. YAY! It is such an honor and a privilege to be part of such a fantastic wedding for two truly amazing people. The trouble is that they are originally Pasha's friends. Thus, it got a little awkward when I had to be there for the rehearsal yesterday, and I got invited to the rehearsal dinner. "Hey honey, do you want to be my date to your friend's rehearsal dinner?" um, yeah, so, it didn't bode well with him. Especially at the end of the night when he turns to me and says, "Thanks for coming with me." Actually Pasha, you came with me!
Also, Pash and I haven't spent any quality bonding time with each other since our whole fall out. Things feel super strained, and he is more in love with his schedule right now. It's terrible to miss someone who is sitting right next to you in the car.
I asked him to go for a run with me this morning because he is always on me about running with him. I thought, if I wanted to spend anytime with him, then I should do it on his terms. Well, then everyone decided that they all wanted to go jogging this morning, and I sort of got left in the dust. He says, "Why don't you come with us?" WHY? HAVE YOU SEEN THESE PEOPLE? They run all day...everyday. Ok, no...they are very physically fit, and just the other day I watched a pregnant lady with a stroller pass me. Doesn't he understand how humiliating it would be for to watch his friends start walking next to me, while I'm jogging? He says, "Everyone adjusts to the slowest person." Easy for him to say, when he's never been the slowest person. Sure, my issue. my mental block, whatever. I get it, but couldn't he have had a little compassion?
I left his place this morning, and he calls me and says, "One of the girls was only going to go because you were going, and now you're not." Yes, but he didn't mention that this particular girl also came in THIRD place in her division for the bridge to bridge run. Look, I just don't want to be an embarrassment in front of his friends. I already feel like I'm getting put on the spot with the singing. So, now it's 10am on Saturday, and the wedding starts at 4pm. Looks like I'll be sending another Saturday alone.
I'm always alone, and I'm starting to hate it.
Oh friends, it gets tricky here....
I have been hanging out with these friends for TWO YEARS! That is a long time to spend time with people, and so they asked me to sing in their wedding, which is tomorrow. YAY! It is such an honor and a privilege to be part of such a fantastic wedding for two truly amazing people. The trouble is that they are originally Pasha's friends. Thus, it got a little awkward when I had to be there for the rehearsal yesterday, and I got invited to the rehearsal dinner. "Hey honey, do you want to be my date to your friend's rehearsal dinner?" um, yeah, so, it didn't bode well with him. Especially at the end of the night when he turns to me and says, "Thanks for coming with me." Actually Pasha, you came with me!
Also, Pash and I haven't spent any quality bonding time with each other since our whole fall out. Things feel super strained, and he is more in love with his schedule right now. It's terrible to miss someone who is sitting right next to you in the car.
I asked him to go for a run with me this morning because he is always on me about running with him. I thought, if I wanted to spend anytime with him, then I should do it on his terms. Well, then everyone decided that they all wanted to go jogging this morning, and I sort of got left in the dust. He says, "Why don't you come with us?" WHY? HAVE YOU SEEN THESE PEOPLE? They run all day...everyday. Ok, no...they are very physically fit, and just the other day I watched a pregnant lady with a stroller pass me. Doesn't he understand how humiliating it would be for to watch his friends start walking next to me, while I'm jogging? He says, "Everyone adjusts to the slowest person." Easy for him to say, when he's never been the slowest person. Sure, my issue. my mental block, whatever. I get it, but couldn't he have had a little compassion?
I left his place this morning, and he calls me and says, "One of the girls was only going to go because you were going, and now you're not." Yes, but he didn't mention that this particular girl also came in THIRD place in her division for the bridge to bridge run. Look, I just don't want to be an embarrassment in front of his friends. I already feel like I'm getting put on the spot with the singing. So, now it's 10am on Saturday, and the wedding starts at 4pm. Looks like I'll be sending another Saturday alone.
I'm always alone, and I'm starting to hate it.
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