The Magic Number is 2

It’s a bleak day today. Thus, the wallowing shall commence in 3…2…1…

Action:

(sigh).** Every anticipated year-end is greeted with the hopes, goals and dreams for a much desired “Happy New Year.” Each time I think, this coming year is going to be so much better. It never does seem to be that much better. Sure, some years are far worse then others like my 2004 – that was a very tough year sans a silver lining. Yet, every other year always seems to have some silver lining: 2000, 20002, 2003, 2005, 2006, 2007. I left out 2001 because that was a great year, and I think it was the only year I though: may all years be this great. I did have some struggles to work out and get through in 2001, but the good far out weighed the negative in that year. Now it’s time to reflect on 2008, and the start of how the number 2 has become my nemesis.

/*Wallowing break:
I will say that the greatest thing that happened for me is that I discovered how supported I am, and I REMEMBERED the silver lining. Now I must focus on it. */

2 Things of 2008

1) I had 2 heartbreaks this year, and there is no pain like the pain from your “best friend.”
I detailed the demise of Pasha in my previous writings, and I was mum about my short captivating heart encounter and that is how it will remain. I will say that he is amazing in every way, and although the feeling of rejection erodes my heart today, I know that we have a sincere friendship that I will continue to value and cherish. Plus, he fulfilled a greater purpose in my life that I will write about when I’m ready.

Not only am I eating, living and breathing heartache at the moment, I’m surrounded by the happy 2somes that I am so blessed to have in my life. Then I stare into the faces of attractive, talented, smart, generous and amazing women wanting to be with their partner in crime, but it doesn’t seem to work out. It haunts me a little. Is that my destiny? Then I see many attractive, talented, smart, generous and amazing women that are extremely happy leading the bohemian single lifestyle. Is THAT my destiny?

The Silver Lining:
I am embarking on the greatest and most important relationship of all, and I’m getting to focus and spend time with myself. I’m constantly reminded of the amazing family and friends and out pours of support and love that so many people in this lifetime lack. I am so lucky. Again, I am so lucky.

2) I moved out of my San Francisco apartment.
The 2nd hardest thing I did this year for I loved that place. It marked a huge milestone for me in my life, and showed tremendous growth for I never thought I could live alone.

The Silver Lining:
I moved out of something great, so I can start building something greater in New York. Something ELSE I never thought I could do which is just another example demonstrating my personal growth. I am moving forward in my life. I am.

These are my heaviest 2 personal tragedies of 2008. Of course I’m leaving out the fact that I was laid off from my job, that there were TWO emotional unexpected deaths, and a bunch of other unfortunate tragedies in 2008, but of course I was going to leave my job anyway and death is a reality I had been lucky enough to only really experience now.

I can’t leave the 2008 conversation without the Yang to the Yin. I must document the 2 greatest events of 2008.

1) Performing.
I performed in an equity house this year, and I got to play Maria in West Side Story (only the greatest role of all time.) Gee, how lucky am I?

2) New York.
I decided to make the move. I’ve talked about this at nauseam. I really can’t say much more about it until I step off the diving board. I’m at the edge now. I’m looking at the water.

Although 2009 is starting off with reminiscent heartache, a genuine fear of the unknown and the desperate plea for a better year, I do remain hopeful and positive. I KNOW there are so many people out in the world that are less fortunate than I. I am so LUCKY to be so blessed. I am grateful that I can remember to think of these things during this transitional period in my life. I just hope that I can remember this mantra through January 10th.

**Every good wallow begins with a sigh.

I'm Sad California.

I've been mum on religion and politics because it really torments me. I have really strong opinions on what I believe to be right, and I'm well aware that my morality is based in Christianity. Yet, I have to say this because it's eating me up inside.

I have to believe that at the end of the day we all want the same thing: peace, love, respect and equality.

I have read many articles apposing Prop 8 and in support of Prop 8, and I've seen and heard the hateful mantras and actions coming from both sides and it sickens me. I'm watching relationships deteriorate before my eyes based on these differences, and it's taking everything in me to remain as open minded as possible, but please explain to me California why Prop 8 passed?

I don't understand.

I'm thrilled to see that our nation is ready for a radical change, but outraged to see that we can not look past our differences and see what is right for our fellow human beings.

It tears me up watching my friends fight an uphill battle towards a fundamental freedom, and I hope and pray that one day we will all stand together in acceptance.

Can I borrow a cup of rat posion?

So, I’ve been making nice with the neighbors, and the other day I got this love note on my door. I wanted to share it with you.

Dear Beverley,

It's come to the attention of some of us tenants that you have another person staying with you. I don’t know how true it is but be aware that the Louies’ charge extra rent for each person staying that’s not on the lease. Either contact the Louies & let them know or have your friend stay elsewhere.

Do you want to have your apartment taken away from you just over that? Better do something soon if that person is planning to stay… maybe even, ask that person to be quieter as I assume you are.

- A Helpful Neighbor.




Dear Helpful Neighbor,

Well if my you mean House, then yes, I do have someone staying at my apartment. Is it my fault that the traffic is so loud it causes my apartment to shake when a car drives by, thus, the TV must be loud enough for me to be hear it? Plus, I can’t help it that I’m a little deafer than others. You act like I’m watching TV at 1am…. I don’t write you love notes for walking in your heels at 6am in the morning, and go to bed at 8pm. I know it’s you, and I know it’s about my TV because you’ve knocked on my door twice in the past month to turn my TV down at 9pm. I politely complied twice, but then realized it was NINE! Now you’re resulting to love notes that don’t make any sense. Awesome.

First of all, are we in college? Do we live in dorms, and you are good friends with my roommates? If so, I don’t recall getting a welcome package from our RA/CSA, and I really think you should have a one on one because this type of communication is not exactly productive.

Second of all, is this supposed to be threatening? I mean, I don’t want to judge, but this was the best you could come up with?! Have you reviewed my lease? Man, I WISH I had another person on my lease. I wish I could hear your conversation with the landlord. “Beverley has someone staying at her place.” “Yeah, I know. He lives there.” Actually, my landlord would probably say, “Who’s Beverley.”

Anyway, can you please think of something better to threaten me with, or maybe you can address me like an adult?

Cheers,
Beverley

P.S. I'm throwing a big NEW YEARS eve party, did you want to come? If not, can we use your apartment for our guests?

I swear, I think I went back in time this week.

I lost my shoes this weekend.

Paralyzed by heartache and fear, I can't find the right words at this moment to tell you what happened.

I'm diving into work right now to ease my suffering heart, and I just need time to process my thoughts.

There is humor in every tragedy, so, I lost my shoes this weekend. I chased after Pasha to fight for our relationship, and I took my shoes off in the process. I left them in the street, and when I went back to see if they were there....they weren't. I was in the marina for goodness sake, why is someone gonna take my $60 dollar pair of shoes?!?!? Luckily for me, I drive through the tenderloin every morning on my way to work. I checked out the little shops people have set up, and I looked for my shoes.

Nothing.

Drats! Plus, I did not loose them together. I lost them separately in different locations. What are two people going to do with one shoe?

I'm pregnant - just kidding.

I’ve fallen down on posting, and with November’s vast approach, I thought I would better get on it.

Have you ever been to Lemo’s Farm in Halfmoon Bay?



It resembles very much a children’s farm as apposed to a pumpkin farm. I was unclear on the process… was I supposed to search the grounds for a pumpkin to take home or a child? Hmmm….what type of child should Pash and I take home today, the one pouting in the wheel barrel? The one picking up the goat’s dropping’s in the petting zoo mistaking the poo for a mid-day snack? Oh, how about the one that is standing on the hay stack screaming like the entire world is coming to an end. Quick, someone ANYONE…just give the kid a cookie or a shot of patron.

One of Pash’s friend’s son turned two yesterday, and to celebrate we drove all the way down to Lemo’s Farm. We were the only couple there that did not have children, and even worse…we weren’t married. Luckily, I managed to put myself together enough for a Sunday morning hiding all the sin a single woman in her 20’s experiences in her weekends in San Francisco. This includes sleepless nights at raves, binge drinking till my liver gives out at the hospital and hording off all the pawing men at the strip club as I leave work. OR even worse, I had to hide the fact that Pash and I were plotting how to infect their children with all the evils that I clearly embody.

Grinning and bearing two hours of “mmmmmm this tastes so good…you have some,” “oh, I’m surprised you and Pash are still together, when are you getting married?” “Don’t put your finger in her food honey,” “I am not going to stand in the train line for 60 minutes,” and “oh, you must be too young to understand what we’re talking about” in birth control city was enough for me to realize that I just enjoy reading about other people’s life with kids…. I’m not ready to embark on my own path of motherhood. I’m not entirely convinced that I will ever reach that moment of wanting to embark on my own path, but who knows. I spent the majority of my child hood playing house – that say’s something. Right?

My Pursuit

First of all, I am really dismayed by how OBLIVIOUS I am. How could the majority of the movie "The Pursuit of Happyness" be filmed in my backyard, and I did not even get a GLIMPSE of the cameras?

Regardless, I did watch the movie last night. I've been so consumed by my own self pity, and wallowing in my "stressful" situations; it was nice to take a step back and put my life into perspective. Don't get me wrong, not being able to stand up for yourself and being disabled to pursue happiness is a big issue. The issue just needs perspective, and this movie was a good one.

I highly recommend it.

The Struggle

And so laziness ensues as the free time amounts, and this entry is brought to you by a big ‘ole pigglie wigglie stuffed on taffy cookies and salami. Yummmmm!!!

So, instead of attacking my laundry list of items that include: painting my cupboard, hanging my pictures, working on my show pictures, organizing under my bed, putting together my web portfolio, do my laundry, figure out what I’m getting people for Christmas, book my Christmas plane ticket, working on a monologue, get some freelance work…etc., I have decided to try and figure out what I am going to do with my life.

Ha.
Yeah Right!

However, I’m feeling like my interests are stretched too thin these days, and for some society-motivated or no reason, I am trying to sort it all out. I go through these moods a lot as I seemingly race against the clock, but then the harsh slap of reality reminds me that I’m only 25, but I won’t be this “young” for the rest of my life. When I turn 70, am I still going to be saying that I’m only 70? These unrealistic and non existent timelines have been beaten into my brain one way or another, and I’m feeling suffocated in my own struggle to keep my head above water while maintaining happiness in my “youth”.

There is something in my life that always seems to be lacking, and I find myself more and more these days either wishing away time, or wondering why I didn’t use my time more efficiently in the past.

Now, I’m on this constant search to find my niche.- the career and life that I enjoy, where I’ll make a difference and where I’ll excel at. I find that most of the things I love to do, I really don’t have a competitive skill in.

I’m dabbling in a million different career areas, and I’m finding that my skill level for my age in any given subject is nowhere near par. Is this because I am spreading my self so thin that I am not allowing myself to really focus on a couple of things, and hone my craft long enough to sustain myself and my obsession with nice shoes?

Can a person be really good at multiple things in life that are on all parts of the brain?

When does the time come to realistically analyze your work, your craft, your talent, your skills and really be able to define your niche?

It could be worse, I know. I have a roof over my head, jobs, family that loves me and food on my table every day. (this is obviously true by the gut in my stomach growing larger and larger NOT due to pregnancy).

It’ll be fine. I’ll just keep on trucking, and doing what I love doing regardless. Something has to work out… it always does.