48 More Days.

The last few days really have given me the opportunity to reflect on what my life is going to be like in NYC. Since my show is open, and the Christmas show is right around the corner, plus - my friends are all moving forward and making their January 2009 plans.

My plans are stagnant.

Plain and simple: I have no plans right now except move to New York - in the dead of winter. I repeated over to myself a million times on Saturday night: it's going to be fine. I'm going to be fine. Everything is going to be fine.

I think I almost convinced myself.

Right now I feel sheer terror, and watching the days on the calendar dwindle closer and closer towards January 10th. It's a day that I have longed for since August when I made the decision to go, but now that it approaches so quickly, I'm freaking out! My life is here in California with perfect weather.

I need guidance.
I'm confused.

I promise not to post false things about my experience. I won't sugar coat , and I will dive in whole heartily with hope and determination. I will forgo my pride if things do not work out. If I find that I am happier here then I am there, I will come home. At the very very least I tried, and many of you who know me, know I will not not easily give up.

Time Management

I need need need to practice my time management skills.

I have to do a good blog everyday. Fail.

I have to get on the move for New York and bang out some details. Fail.

I have to finish a website that I've been dragging my heels on. FAIL!!!!!! - This one is causing me the largest amount of stress right now, but I'll manage. I am resolving this moment to stop being lazy and get on it.

So Busy

I'm not sure why today has been so busy!

I just have been doing all these errands and getting ready for the show. I haven't forgotten about you, and I'm sorry my posts are so lame. Rest assure - I am doing my best.

Very Tired

I cannot write tonight because I am so tired.

Please forgive me, but I'll leave you with this I am going to Oakland to see him.

Sooooo Good to be Back

My mind should not be idle.
I should always be in a show.
I should always be surrounded by people.

At least for right now.

Being back with the cast was so wonderful. Seeing the emails fly back and forth about how I am not very much fun at parties and how I should "Drink what the lady is serving" made my day! I knew it was going to be a good show.

Sure enough, it was a great show. I mean sure, I had a little phlegm in the back of my throat that I should have cleared out, but eh. It was fine! At the end of "Moon in my Window" some one verbally said that was beautiful! So, that made me feel good, and they didn't start clapping through the acappella part. Thus, they must hear me. It's such a low song in my register. However, let me tell you the funniest part about tonight.

We are all alcoholics in the show, and I think that I have mentioned that before. However, there is this one party scene where we are all together laughing and drinking even with the little 12 year old gondola boy. The mistress of the house pours him a little spot of campari which is supposed to be ice tea! However!!!!!! Oh however!!!!! She doesn't know that the campari she has poured for the young boy is NOT tea! It is campari!

I really should not be laughing about this, and truly it makes me not want my children to be in theatre because they grow fast surrounded by so many adults in their spare time! They will be watching Dumbo until they are 12! They will be little angels and baking cookies with their mother! Not drinking campari with a cast filled with adults!

I'm just glad to be back in the comforts of theatre makes me feel less crazy.

Do Not Be Crazy

I learned a very important lesson this week: don’t be crazy.

It seems simple to some, but a lesson that I keep learning repeatedly to my misfortune.

My sometimes-obsessive nature is causing me to dig, discover and read things that are detrimental to my self-esteem. Granted, nothing should really cause such a significant impact on my self worth, and believe me, I’m working on it, but I did not realize I would be so affected until it was too late.

I’m really concerned about my reaction on more than one level. First and foremost, my poor self-confidence! WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?! I even started rereading some of my old journals and old life documentation on this blog and myself dismayed me. I could not believe some of the predicaments I have put myself through and accepted as natural and normal. Tis a shame, but I can assure you – I’m well aware of the issue, and I am working on it.

I started running and working out again! I have a new gym through my company, and they offer PT program that I am going to take advantage of while I am here. Yesterday I ran in the dark which was NOT a good idea. Running in San Francisco versus suburbia life is MUCH different. First of all, San Francisco is bright. Light is everywhere in San Francisco, but not in Los Altos. I could hardly see in front of me, and I felt nervous to be on the street at 7pm. Thus, my run did not last very long, but I did wake up and feel much better.

Being in this state of transition is not helping either. Listening to all my friends audition for tons of shows around here and nurturing my new and old strong friendships is causing severe pull on the heartstrings as I near the date to leave for New York.

I’m just taking a deep breath in and accepting that “this stuff” is out of my hands. I’m doing my very best in working towards being the person I want to and am meant to be, and everything will fall into the right place. I have already seen it start to happen. Stressing about things that are out of my control is just another detrimental testimony to my crazy. Again, I’m aware, and I’m making the conscious choices to fight against that instinct, but it’s difficult.

I’m surrounded by love and I’m focusing on all that right now.

My Old Friends

Here I am with my favorite friends: House, Heroes and The Office.

I'm happy.

Sure. I would much rather be with my friends hanging out, but this is ok. I like hanging out with my old friends.

I will say, however, that I don't really understand how the show that keeps doing the same thing over and over and over and over again. I mean House is right EVERY TIME! EVERY TIME!! Yet his boss doubts him EVERY TIME.